As I Call You Down
by floorplanhobo
Summary: Life had lost all sense for Eli, and he just wanted the easy way out. But when Clare Edwards saved his life, not matter how much he resented her for it, everything changed. A story about friendship, love, and the tricky road to happiness.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. The title of this fic belongs to Fistful of Mercy. The lyrics in this chapter belong to Mumford & Sons. I only own an insane amount of books and CDs.**

**Author's note: Another attempt at a happier fic. It will be a combination of the tone used in **_**Momentum**_** and **_**Recollection**_**. Also, this is AU but I will try to remain as IC as possible. This will be more of an Eli/Clare/Adam friendship fic but it will also focus on Eclare because I love them ok? Haha. I will eventually write a sequel for Vices, I just need to do some research on that one. Thanks to ****ArentYouSophiaLoren-8887, for giving me a last name for the therapist in this chapter. Go read her stuff now, it's brilliant!**

**Important note: Eli is 21, Clare is 20, Adam is 18. That's all. **

"_I've nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide. Align my heart, my body, my mind… to face what I've done and do my time."_

_**Dust Bowl Dance**_**, Mumford & Sons**

_**Eli**_

"When you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing that crosses your mind?"

The therapist looked around, waiting for people to speak. Everybody was quiet, the usual shyness of a fairly new support group, with people still having difficulty opening up.

Eli Goldsworthy blinked slowly, trying to stifle a yawn. The rest of the people in the circle seemed deep in thought, and he decided to focus on his sneakers instead. He looked up and looked over at Dr. Berlasky, who was writing down some notes on his notepad.

The first thing that crosses your mind…

_Fuck, I'm still alive. That's what crosses my mind every single day.  
_

A middle-aged man, Ronnie, raised his hand and the therapist beckoned him to speak. Ronnie gulped nervously as he stood up to address the rest of the group, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans.

"The first thing that crosses my mind when I wake up… I'm so lucky to be alive," said Ronnie in a small voice, and the group muttered in agreement.

Eli rolled his eyes as the group started clapping at Ronnie's words, and he glanced at his right arm. The vertical scar was still painfully visible, even though his suicide attempt had occurred almost a year ago.

"Elijah? Do you want to share?" asked Dr. Berlasky tentatively, and all eyes fixed on Eli, making him feel uncomfortable.

"Nothing. Nothing crosses my mind when I wake up."

"Are you sure?" insisted Dr. Berlasky. "Elijah, this group is meant to help you open up, to find the reasons behind your actions… you need to speak up."

Eli glared derisively at the therapist and crossed his arms, staying put on his seat. "I have a very boring mind, it's always blank. Therefore, I never think of anything when I wake up. It's quite lovely actually."

He could feel the hate in everyone's eyes, but he didn't care. He thought that the whole idea of attending a survivor group was ridiculous, but he did it for his parents.

Eli stood up, not being able to stand the tension in the room anymore. He knew that his fellow suicidal comrades hated him, they hated him because he was so young and apparently had everything going on for him, and yet, he had tried to kill himself.

They didn't understand. No one did.

"I need to go to the restroom" he blurted, taking his jacket from the back of the chair, and the therapist waved his hand dismissively as another patient stood up to speak.

Eli walked out of the room, looking around nervously. Bullfrog had dropped him off, but he had cash with him, so he knew that taking a cab was no problem. As he exited the building he noticed a lone bicycle sitting in the parking lot, and he looked around once again.

He thought of Julia, and gulped as he walked over to the bike, his heart racing. Eli touched the handlebars with his hands, and he stole the bike, pedaling away as fast as he could.

He needed to escape.

_**Later**_

"Do you remember when we used to hang out here? We always had a great time, didn't we?" he muttered, glad that the place was abandoned.

Eli walked on the railroad tracks, smoking his cigarette slowly as he admired the landscape surrounding him. He remembered his first date with Julia, how they had escaped to the tracks without hesitation, sharing a first kiss under the moonlight.

He arrived to the part of the tracks where a river ran underneath, and he looked down tentatively. The height made him nervous and he smirked when he recalled a certain scene…

"_Look, Eli, I'm dancing on the tracks!" mocked Julia, spinning on her feet._

"_Julia, if you fall you're going to die," said Eli uneasily. "Plus, the current is insanely strong…"_

_Julia smiled at him and stopped moving, standing in the middle of the abandoned tracks. "I've heard the stories. People jumping off the tracks into the water and dying at once. A beautiful, poetic suicide. Would you miss me if I died?"_

"_Probably," shrugged Eli. "But you haven't kissed me yet, so I'm not sure of that." _

"_Come over here and I just might," purred Julia coquettishly. _

"_I think I will stay here. Yup."_

"_Eli Goldsworthy, are you afraid of heights?"_

_Eli cocked an eyebrow at her and his smirk became more pronounced. "Just a little. I'm more afraid of you, actually."_

_Julia frowned playfully and walked closer to him, swaying her hips as she did so. Her bright brown eyes shined under the moonlight and her thick dark hair contrasted beautifully with her pale skin. _

_Eli really liked her, she made him nervous and anxious, but goddamn, he liked her. _

"_Don't be," she breathed, and kissed him on the lips._

Eli blinked, waking up from his haze, and he noticed that he was standing at the very edge of the tracks, the dark water running underneath them, several feet below. He glanced again at his scar and winced as he recalled his botched suicide attempt. If Cece hadn't arrived home from work an hour earlier…

He dropped his cigarette into the water and watched it fall, the height dramatically obvious, and drew breath. His head was pulsing as he walked closer to the edge, as he closed his eyes, the sun burning the back of his neck.

"Should I jump, Julia?" he yelled, although he knew that he would get no response. The wind messed up his hair and he could feel the tears stinging his eyes as he considered what to do.

His parents would be okay. They would report him missing but the police wouldn't take them seriously since he was suicidal. His case would be dismissed after a few months, and his body would be eventually found. It was all about closure, and his parents would have it. He was just being a burden to them, he was aware of that. His mother would check on him constantly, call him at his job every single hours, making sure he was doing okay. His father raided his room in search for anything sharp, and every time Eli wanted to shave, he had to do it in front of Bullfrog.

All those unnecessary precautions, to save a life that wasn't really a life. Eli felt almost ghost-like, living for the mere sake of living, breathing just because his body refused to stop doing it.

"Julia, I know it's been almost three years… but I still miss you," he whispered, and closed his eyes, ready to jump.

He felt when the tracks disappeared from under his feet, the wind slapping him hard on the face as he fell, the fall lasting an eternity. He thought of his parents and Julia, and opened his eyes just in time to see the water getting closer and closer.

Eli hit the water face down and panicked as he felt the pain sear across his face. He was still alive, and the water was flooding his lungs rapidly, the current taking him down fast.

Eli opened his mouth to breath, a stupid move, and more water entered his lungs. He tried to reach the surface, but the current kept pulling him down, and he closed his eyes, expecting to stop breathing at any was dying, a slow, painful death, and there was nothing he could do about it. But at least he was dying, and this gave him a sick sense of comfort.

"Eli… I love you."

He felt Julia's arms close around him, but his eyes remained shut. He was drowning, and he couldn't help but smile as everything started to fade away…

_Light everywhere…_

_His lungs were still hurting, but that was probably normal…_

_The soft sound of grass and rock crushing underneath his weight...  
_

_Julia was coughing next to him, and this struck him as odd...  
_

_Warm lips on his…_

_Oxygen down his throat… _

Eli opened his eyes and started coughing uncontrollably, water spilling out of his mouth as did. Oxygen started filling his lung, making them expand painfully, the water trying to find a way out.

"Thank God. You're alive. Where's my bag, oh God, I need my phone, oh God, oh God."

Eli blinked confusedly, still coughing up water, and the only thing he could see was someone's silhouette on top of him. He blinked again and saw a pair of blue eyes staring back at him as he groaned in pain. Everything was spinning around him, the light fading away once again, and the silhouette spoke in an almost-angelic voice before he passed out.

"Welcome back."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. The title of this fic belongs to Fistful of Mercy. The lyrics in this chapter belong to Panic! At The Disco. I do own a lot of Panic! merch though. **

**Author's note: Adam will make his appearance in the next chapter. This chapter is kind of meh, but again, these are the exposition chapters so... yeah. **

**ALSO: I disabled anon reviews because of some person who decided to attack me here instead of saying it to my face. I know several of you don't own ff accounts and like to review, but no worries. I know that you are reading, and that's enough for me. I might enable anon reviews again sometime in the future, but I'm not sure. Thanks for understanding. **

"_This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital. It's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional, it sure as hell ain't normal but we deal... we deal."_

_**- Camisado, Panic! At The Disco**_

_**Clare**_

She parked her car and sighed deeply, running her fingers through her still-wet hair. Clare glanced at the building in front of her, the intimidating hospital, and she tried hard not to panic. After the ambulance rescued them, after talking to some local reporters who had shown up at the scene, she had gone back to her dorm and taken a shower, still shaken by the events.

Clare felt glad that Alli wasn't there, she didn't feel like explaining. She didn't want to answer questions about anything, and especially not about the reason why she had been at the river when the young man almost drowned.

"_Clare, we need to talk."_

Clare closed her eyes as she remembered K.C's words, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"_What's wrong? Is everything okay?"_

"_Do you remember Jenna Middleton?"_

"_Yes, she's in that sorority, right? The blonde one? Why?"_

"_She's pregnant."_

Clare was surprised at the pained moan that escaped her lips, but the words were still piercing her heart. K.C's face, his hesitation, the way the sweat was running down his forehead...

"_Oh. Oh."_

"_I'm sorry, Clare. We hooked up one night and now-"_

"_You cheated on me? How could you? After I gave you everything?"_

Clare opened her eyes and glanced at her ring-less finger and the pain became almost unbearable.

"_I was drunk, Clare."_

"Stop it," muttered Clare to herself, trying to forget about the conversation. She had broken up with K.C, and she had decided to skip classes after that. She remembered about her childhood, when her dad used to take her to the river whenever she felt sad, and it had made sense to go there and forget about everything.

And then she saw him drowning, his arms trying to scratch the surface, and something told her she needed to save him. Clare jumped in right away, and it surprised her how light and non-responsive the young man was when she reached him, and for a moment she feared that it was too late.

She got out of the car, wondering if the guy was doing all right, and if she would be able to see him. Clare walked into the hospital and looked around, hiding her hands in the pockets of her jacket.

"Excuse me... I was here earlier... with the young man who almost drowned..." she said timidly as the nurse sitting at the welcome desk raised her head.

"Lady, do you have any idea how many drowning victims we get?" drawled the nurse. "What's his name?"

"Um..."

A paramedic walked by and smiled at Clare. "There's our hero. I still can't believe you went in and saved that guy, that was really amazing."

Clare blushed and shrugged. "Is he doing okay?"

The paramedic nodded and pointed at a man sitting in the waiting room. "That's his father. You might want to talk to him... we told his parents about you, but you just left suddenly and we didn't get your name."

"Thanks," said Clare shyly and the nurse just rolled her eyes. Clare walked over to the man, who seemed to be dozing off, and poked him gently in the shoulder.

"Honey, is he- Oh." The man blinked and stared quizzically at her. "Sorry, I'm not in the mood to give out autographs..."

His voice sounded slightly familiar to Clare, and she shook her head. "Um, I'm not looking for an autograph. My name is Clare Edwards... I... um, _found_ your son in the river."

The man's eyes widened and he stood up quickly, giving her a bone-crushing hug. "You saved our Eli, you little piece of awesomeness," the man said, and Clare couldn't help but smile. The man pulled away, placing his hands on her shoulders and Clare's heart broke at the look of gratitude on his face.

"You can call me Bullfrog by the way," he said non-chalantly. "Man, wait until Cece -my wife- knows you're here."

"Actually... I just came back to make sure your son is doing okay," admitted Clare. "That's all I wanted to know..."

"Eli is doing fine... given the circumstances," said Bullfrog darkly. Clare raised an eyebrow and felt that there was something the man wasn't telling her, but she knew it was none of her business to pry.

Clare knew that she could have called the hospital, but it was likely that they wouldn't have given her any information over the phone. And for some reason, she wanted to see Eli again. She thought about the way he was muttering after he started breathing again, the way his eyes opened suddenly, full of sorrow, and Clare felt haunted by them.

"You need to come see him... he needs to see you," said Bullfrog cheerfully, his face lighting up. "Cece wanted some time alone with him, that's why I was here, but I'm pretty sure they're done now. Come on."

Clare had no time to protest; Bullfrog grabbed her by the sleeve and pulled her down the hallway, still chattering excitedly, and Clare heard him say something about "-maybe you can help him."

"Sorry?" started Clare, but they arrived to a door and Bullfrog stopped talking. He knocked softly on the door and a gentle voice replied from the other side. Bullfrog looked at Clare and gave her an encouraging smile as he opened the door.

They walked in, and Clare saw a woman sitting next to Eli's bed, wiping her tears with her sleeve.

"Cece, Eli, this is Clare... Edwards, right? She's the one who rescued Eli."

Clare's eyes fixed on Eli, who glared at her and immediately looked away, making her feel uneasy. Cece stood up and walked over to her, giving Clare the warmest hug she had ever received. Clare wanted to hold on to the woman and cry, but she merely gulped.

"Thank you, lovely. We are so grateful, and we think that you were very, very brave. I have no idea how to thank you," whispered Cece into her ear before pulling away.

"Um... no problem," said Clare embarrassingly. Both Cece and Bullfrog were staring at her as if she was the solution to all their problems and Clare felt extremely uncomfortable.

"Eli, honey, we're going to step out for a moment..." said Cece meaningfully, and Clare's heart started racing. "Maybe you can talk to Clare and... thank her."

"Bye," snapped Eli.

"We'll be right back," smiled Cece, grabbing her husband's hand. Eli's parents walked out of the room and Clare just stood there standing awkwardly, not knowing what to say. Flashbacks of Eli laying on the grass, his dark clothes clinging to his body, how defenseless he looked... Clare remembered running her hand through his hair before giving him mouth-to-mouth, trying to revive him. She felt terrified when she noticed that he wasn't breathing, even though she didn't know him...

"I... I just wanted to check on you. After what happened."

"That's nice of you," said Eli dryly, still not looking at her.

"Are you feeling okay?" asked Clare.

"Oh, yes," he replied sardonically, and Clare frowned. "I feel great."

Clare was slightly annoyed by Eli's reply, and she moved closer to the bed. She noticed the bruises on the left side of his face, and she felt tempted to touch them. Her eyes then trailed down to his right arm, and stifled a gasp when she saw the scar on it. One vertical, botched scar, horribly visible for everyone to see.

"Enjoying the view?" asked Eli, and Clare realized that he was finally looking at her.

"I... I was just..." Clare gulped as she realized that Eli's almost-drowning had been no accident, and she didn't know what to say.

"Spare me the pity," said Eli coldly, hiding his arm under the sheets.

Clare nodded, and she felt a lump in her throat. She couldn't wrap her mind around the idea of someone trying to commit suicide, and the misery etched on Eli's face broke her heart. Clare touched his hand and clutched softly, but he still remained distant.

"If you ever want to talk," said Clare softly. "I'll leave my number with your parents if you want to... If you ever need someone to listen to you."

Eli looked back at her, his eyes fixed on her, and Clare trembled slightly. His eyes were filled with resentment and bitterness, reflecting some of her own emotions after the talk with K.C.

"I don't need salvation," said Eli finally, moving his hand away from Clare's.

"Excuse me?" asked Clare, feeling confused.

"You're wearing a cross around your neck," pointed Eli. "I don't need you and your god telling me that everything is going to be all right, so save it."

Clare's hand touched her cross absentmindedly. "Do your parents know that you tried to kill yourself... again?" she asked scathingly. She wasn't sure why she felt a sudden hatred toward Eli, she just knew that his attitude was infuriating her.

"I slipped," said Eli furiously. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure... sure," retorted Clare. "You don't have to be mad at me, you know? I just did what I thought was right."

"Nobody asked you to," snarled Eli, his green eyes flashing with anger. "I didn't ask you to go in and save me. You're not my hero, so if you want me to be eternally grateful to you, don't hold your breath."

"I don't want to be a hero," said Clare bitterly. "Do you think that you're the only one with problems? You just used the easy way out."

Eli sat on the bed, and for a moment, Clare feared for her life. "Shut the fuck up," said Eli, his voice quiet yet filled with fury. "You don't know anything about me. Just get out of here and forget we ever met. I will sure as hell try to forget."

"Fine," snapped Clare, and walked away.

"Stop trying to be a savior!" called Eli after her as Clare slammed the door behind her. She stomped down the hallway, angry tears stinging her eyes. It had been a mistake, going back to the hospital. Eli had just made her day worse.

"Clare! Clare!"

She could hear Eli's parents calling after her, but she didn't want to stay. She didn't want to tell them that Eli was hopeless, that he wouldn't stop until he killed himself...

Clare reached the parking lot, her heart heavy with sorrow, and broke down as soon as she got into her car.

_**Later**_

"Edwards, a 20 year-old college student, modestly played down her actions when interviewed about the rescue at the river.

Clare frowned as she walked into the room, and saw Alli staring intently at the TV. Clare glanced at the screen and saw her own face, her hair dripping with water, her lower lip trembling.

"I... I wouldn't say I'm a hero... I was just here."

"The name of the male individual will remain private, but Miss Edwards' actions will not," the reporter was saying, a bored tone in his voice. "Just proof that good people are still out there. Joseph Hunter, reporting live, Channel 6 News."

Alli turned to look at Clare, a look of awe on her face. "You saved someone today?" squealed Alli, running over to her and giving her a hug. "You're famous! How did that happen? And what were you doing there? Was he cute? Does he owe you his life? Of course he does, he better-"

"Alli, stop," said Clare sadly, and Alli frowned at her.

"Are you okay?" asked Alli worriedly.

"No," admitted Clare, and started sobbing.

Alli wrapped her arms around her tightly, stroking Clare's hair gently. Clare just held on to her, thinking of K.C, of Eli, of her very messed-up day. Alli sighed and pulled away, an encouraging smile on her face.

"Tell me everything."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. The title of this fic belongs to Fistful of Mercy as well as the lyrics in this chapter. However, I do own The Violent Scissors, the band mentioned in this chapter. I made that band up, so don't you dare use it! Just kidding, I don't really care. But if you do use the name, credit me when you win a Grammy!**

**Author's note: I had a really bad day today, but writing this chapter made everything better. I don't know, it just did. All this is set up a month after last chapter... it will all make sense eventually, I promise. Hey, Adam Torres in this chapter! And Clare! And Eli! And a lot of exclamation points! Enjoy.**

_"I gotta make it out of this here gloom, there's a lot of innocents in this room. What would happen if things come 'round...There's no waiting baby and I mean right now." _

_-Things Go 'Round, Fistful of Mercy_

_**One month later**_

_**Clare**_

She looked at the slip of paper on her hand, and wondered if Alli had given her the right address. The bookstore looked old and shabby, but Alli had insisted that it was the only place where Clare would be able to find her Ethics textbook.

Clare sighed and walked into the store, wrinkling her nose at the smell of old books and records. It was a small store, but it seemed to have a wide selection of pretty much everything, so Clare looked around, holding the piece of paper in her hand.

Her eyes fixed on a book with a blue cover, titled _Veronika Decides to Die_. She grabbed the book in her hands, reading the summary... it was a book about suicide. She thought briefly of Eli, and wondered if he was doing okay. She thought of him often, of his eyes, of how cold his skin felt when she was trying to revive him.

She shook her head, trying to forget about him. He had definitely forgotten about her. Clare kept hoping that somehow he would call her, try to locate her. She even went to the river several times, expecting to see him.

Clare wondered if he was still alive.

She put the book back in the crate and sighed, looking around. She needed to find an employee, she would never be able to find a thing in that place...

"Are you stalking me?"

Clare jumped at the sound of the familiar voice and she turned around, trying not to gasp out loud. Eli was standing in front of her, his eyes as cold as ever, but he also looked extremely tired, and Clare pitied him. Her eyes fixed on the badge on Eli's vest and regained her composure, clearing her throat.

"Clare... Clare Edwards, right? Patron Saint of the Suicidal," said Eli, crossing his arms while he studied her.

"Do you work here?" she asked haughtily.

"No, I just like wearing this badge," retorted Eli coldly. "What are you doing here?"

"It's a bookstore, I am looking for a book, obviously." The tension between them was almost unbearable, and Clare hated herself for blushing. Eli bit his lower lip and dug his hands in his pockets, shrugging at her.

"Well? Tell me the title," he said dryly. "I don't read minds."

"You're being really rude," snapped Clare. "I need to speak to your manager."

Eli pointed at his badge, a smirk appearing on his face. "I'm the manager."

Clare was furious and she turned to walk away, but Eli grabbed her by the wrist. His touch wasn't cold anymore, and she found herself not wanting him to let go of her.

"Jason?" called Eli, his eyes still fixed on Clare.

"Yeah?" a breathy voice asked.

"I'm going outside for a cigarette break," responded Eli, and let go of Clare's wrist. His eyes were not filled with bitterness anymore, and his expression softened.

"No problem, boss."

"Follow me," muttered Eli, walking to the back of the store. Clare hesitated, knowing that Eli was a complete stranger to her, but followed him anyway. Eli stood next to the emergency exit and swung the door open, and both stepped outside.

Eli took out a cigarette pack from his pocket and held it out for Clare, and she shook her head. He shrugged as he lit one, and Clare found him extremely alluring. He still seemed broken, but at least he was alive.

"You didn't leave your number," he said finally, still smoking.

"Excuse me?" asked Clare, blinking as the smoke made her eyes water.

"You said you would leave your number with my parents but you didn't." Eli turned to look at her, his messy hair all over his face, and Clare felt her heart stop as their eyes met.

"I thought you didn't want it," replied Clare, trying to sound calm.

"I wanted to apologize," said Eli, looking away from her and staring at the cigarette in his hands. "I was a jerk that day at the hospital."

"You... well, you almost died," said Clare, pleased at the apology. "I guess you were in a bad mood."

Eli snorted and threw the cigarette to the ground, stepping on it. "These are going to kill me..." he glanced at her and smirked at his comment, but Clare said nothing.

"Sorry, then," he said, the smirk still on his lips. "Sorry for being a jerk."

"If you really wanted to call me you could have read the paper," said Clare suddenly. "My name was in there, it named the college where I go to... You could have looked me up."

"Yeah, I didn't want to talk to you that bad," sneered Eli. "Plus, I figured you didn't want to talk to me."

"I just wanted to know... I mean, I thought of you often."

"I have that effect on the ladies," said Eli smugly.

"I just wanted to know if you were alive," blurted Clare. "Don't flatter yourself."

"Third time is the charm," said Eli, leaning against the brick wall. "Maybe next time I'll get lucky."

Clare just glared at him, she wanted to shake him and tell him that life was not meant to be taken lightly, that life was a gift... and then she thought of K.C, how she had to deal with the embarrassment of having to see him with Jenna, both of them holding hands, talking about their future. She had never contemplated suicide, but she had often felt despair during the past month.

"Why are you crying?" asked Eli, his voice filled with sudden apprehension.

"What?" Clare wiped her eyes, not aware that she had teared up while thinking of K.C. "Sorry, it was the smoke..."

"Right," said Eli, narrowing his eyes. "Anyway, I guess we have to go back and find your book. I just wanted to talk about this outside... I don't want the guys knowing that I tried to kill myself... again."

"Why?" asked Clare curiously. "Why do you want to die?"

"No offense, but saving my life doesn't make you worthy of knowing that," said Eli, waving his hand dismissively.

"I risked my life trying to save you," said Clare, raising an eyebrow.

"Did I ask you to do that?" retorted Eli.

"No, but-"

"What the fuck?" muttered Eli as a group of young men ran into the alley, shouting at the top of their lungs. Clare automatically moved closer to Eli when she noticed that they were beating someone up.

"I'm going to kill you, you freak!"

_**Adam**_

_Run._

Lately, running seemed to be the best thing to do. He knew that he had messed up when he approached Bianca that day at the school cafeteria. He should have known better than to flirt with Fitz's girlfriend, but no, he had to prove something. He always had to prove something, just because he was... different.

He hated being 18 and still in high school, but that year he missed had messed everything up. Adam blinked, back to the present, his legs stretching in front of him as he tried to run away from Fitz and his cronies.

_Run, damn it, run!_

The bullies were catching up with him, and Adam thought it would be a good idea to dart into an alley. Once again, he had messed up. He felt when Fitz grabbed him by the collar, throwing him to the ground, and his head hit the pavement. The four boys started hitting and kicking him, and he couldn't breathe... He was going to die in an alley, just like his mother had predicted, and he grinned through bloody teeth at the irony.

The bitch had been right once again.

"I'm going to kill you, you freak!" bellow ed Fitz, punching him in the stomach.

"Don't punch him in the tits," snorted Owen, kicking Adam in the knee.

"You fuckers, get off of him!" an unknown voice called, and the bullies stopped. "I'm calling the police."

"Run!" yelled Fitz, and Adam closed his eyes, the pain invading his senses as he heard the receding footsteps.

"Man, are you okay?" asked a hoarse voice, and Adam opened his eyes slowly. A young man was staring at him, and as Adam glanced around, he noticed a girl with curly hair peering anxiously at him.

The young man helped him get up, and Adam winced, his body aching. He knew that he hadn't broken anything, but the pain was still almost blinding. "Thanks," mumbled Adam, feeling embarrassed.

"I have a first aid kit in the bookstore, come on." Adam held on to the man, and soon enough they were sitting in a small office, surrounded by books.

"I know how to do this," the girl said, snatching the first aid kit.

"Fine, Clare, go for it. If you mess up the kid's face you're the one getting sued, not me."

"You're so nice, Eli."

Clare dabbed at Adam's bloody eyebrow and she frowned. Adam looked into Clare's blue eyes and was distracted from the pain, thinking about how lovely they were. He blinked as the alcohol started burning, and Clare smiled at him.

"What's your name?" she asked gently.

"Adam Torres."

"I'm Clare, and the killjoy over there is Eli."

"That is a very mature introduction," snorted Eli in the background. Clare rolled her eyes and Adam felt amused at the tension between the couple, but remained silent.

"You don't need stitches," she said cheerfully. "And your lip is slightly busted, but it looks fine."

"Cool," said Adam breathlessly and Clare moved away.

"Bullies," said Eli, shaking his head. "Having nothing else to do. Why were they following you?"

Adam gulped, looking down at his shirt. It was slightly torn, but he felt grateful that the bandages weren't visible. "Because I kind of flirted with the leader's girlfriend," shrugged Adam. "I didn't know having game was a crime."

Clare and Eli laughed, making Adam grin at them. "They're just morons," said Adam, touching his lip with his fingers. "Neanderthals that think that fighting and grunting will get them places."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," sighed Eli. "Do you need us to call someone for you? Your parents? I don't want you to go outside and have those assholes beat you up again."

"I have my phone, I..." Adam reached for his shirt pocket and pulled out his phone, which was completely broken."Well, this is just great."

"You don't have the only phone in the world, you know," chuckled Eli, pointing at his cell phone and handing it to him. "They made more than one."

Adam snorted and took the phone from Eli, but he didn't want to deal with his parents. "I'll call my brother, if you don't mind," said Adam.

Clare shot a meaningful look to Eli, who just smiled at Adam, and both walked out of the office, leaving him alone.

Adam dialed Drew's number and waited, his head throbbing.

"Yo."

"Well, hello, Drew, how are you doing today?"

"What's up, bro? Didn't recognize the number."

"Oh, not much. Woke up this morning feeling like P. Diddy."

"You did not just quote that. God, you're lame."

"Hey, you were the one dancing along to that song at Aunt Greta's birthday."

"Aunt Greta and pop music do not mix well."

"Not at all. Are you busy?"

"Not really. Why?"

"I kind of need you to pick me up."

"Um... okay. Why don't you call Mom or Dad?"

"Because... I got into a fight."

"Adam, not again!"

"I just hit on some chick, no big deal."

"I hit on chicks all the time, and yet, look at my flawless face."

"Okay, skin commercial, can you pick me up or not? I'm at the old arts district at a bookstore called..." Adam looked at some of the business cards on the table. "Shale. Odd name for a bookstore."

"All right. Be there as soon as possible."

"Thanks, man."

"Don't mention it. Seriously, don't mention it. You know the parents will flip if they know we had contact with each other."

"No worries, black sheep."

"See ya later."

"Bye."

Adam hung up and stared at the phone, feeling more alone than ever.

_**Eli**_

"Here you go, _Principles of Ethics _by some dude," said Eli brightly, handing the book to Clare. "Second edition, so it's a little... um, _vintage_."

Clare smiled at him and he felt his heart flutter just staring at her. "Vintage, huh?" grinned Clare, taking the book from his hands.

"Code word for fucking old," smirked Eli, moving closer to her.

"Nice to see that you're still the same jerk even after saving a life," said Clare sarcastically.

"I did not save a life," said Eli, rolling his eyes. "I think that you're confusing me with Clare Edwards. She has better hair than I do."

"How much?" asked Clare, ignoring him and reaching for her purse.

Eli didn't want to charge her for the book, after all, she had saved his life. He was sure that she deserved something in exchange, like a "thank you," but he didn't want to say it. He thought of just giving the book away, but a better idea came to mind.

"Your phone number."

Clare looked at him, raising her eyebrows. "Sorry?"

"Just give me your phone number and we'll call it a day," said Eli, feeling an adrenaline rush through his veins. He had no idea why he wanted to see her again, he still slightly resented her for saving him, for not letting him die.

All that he knew was that he couldn't let her walk out of his life again.

"Why?" asked Clare, still staring curiously at him.

"I might give you a call before my next suicide attempt," said Eli mockingly and Clare shook her head.

"Not funny."

"Really? Damn, and here I go, thinking I could have a career as a comedian."

Clare chuckled and pulled a notebook and pen out of her bag, and scribbled her number down. She handed the slip of paper to Eli, still looking hesitant.

"Sometimes... I just need someone to talk to," explained Eli. "Therapy doesn't help, and my friends are not an option."

"I understand," nodded Clare.

"This doesn't mean that we're friends," added Eli quickly, wanting to somehow distance himself from her.

Clare looked affronted and just shrugged. "That's fine with me. Thanks for the book."

She started to walk away and Eli opened his mouth to speak. "Don't expect my call. I'm not sure of this."

Clare turned around and looked at him, and Eli hated the expression of pity in her face. "I won't, don't worry. I have better things to do."

Clare left the store and Eli groaned, feeling like an idiot. Why did he always push people away? Clare didn't deserve his behavior, and he felt like running after her and apologizing all over again, but Adam walked out of the office and he faked a smile for the boy

"Thanks," he said, handing Eli's phone back. "My brother will pick me up soon... Where's your girlfriend?"

Eli choked and started coughing, and Adam patted him on the back, looking alarmed. "Are you okay?" asked Adam, looking horrified.

"Yeah... I... Clare is not my girlfriend," said Eli quickly, still coughing. "Just a girl I know."

"Oh. Sorry." Adam blushed and looked away, making Eli feel stupid.

"So..." started Eli, clearing his throat."Feel free to look around." Adam browsed the record section, while Eli still thought of Clare, of how tenderly she had taken care of Adam, and his heart warmed up.

"Ugh," he said to himself, not wanting to think about her anymore. Clare was a constant image in his dreams/nightmares, always standing next to him in the railroad tracks. But Julia was always there too, and in his nightmares he would struggle, trying to choose...

_Choose what? _he asked himself, and rubbed his temple in frustration. Eli glanced at his watch and noticed that his therapy group session would start in a couple hours and he rolled his eyes. Now he had to go three times a week, had to listen to the same sob stories, and he would still not talk in front of people.

Eli was growing tired of his parents' over-protectiveness and wondered how he would break the news that he was moving out. He couldn't live there anymore, and he knew that the news would not be welcome, not with his "fragile" mental state.

_Oh, well, _he thought. _They will survive._

"Holy Moses, you have a The Violent Scissors vinyl!" exclaimed Adam excitedly. "I love them!"

"Good band," agreed Eli, waking up from his wretched thoughts. "I've seen them live several times. Not as good as Dead Hand, but..."

"God, I love Dead Hand," grinned Adam. "Dude, you guys have the best vinyl selection ever! I might come here often."

"That's all right with me," shrugged Eli. "As long as it's in a different fashion, and with that I mean, no bullies beating you up in the alley."

Adam chuckled and took the vinyl in his hands. "How much?"

"Nah, don't worry about it," said Eli calmly. "Just come back and buy more stuff."

"Fair enough," smiled Adam. "And thanks again for saving my life."

Adam's expression was one of awe and gratitude, and Eli felt uneasy. He wondered if Clare felt that way whenever she thought of him, of saving his life. Was it normal to feel weird? Maybe he was more messed up than he initially thought.

"I... No problem. No problem at all."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the lyrics featured in this chapter. **

**Author's note: Apparently heartbreak is good for writing, I feel kind of happy about this chapter, even if it sucks. This chapter is Eclare-centric, but no worries, Adam will come back next chapter. I love him, so much. Long chapter, but I needed to write this kind of Eclare, I just needed to. Hopefully you will like it. **

**Special note: Legal drinking age in Canada (except for a few provinces where it's 18) is 19. I also sort of altered some details about the night Julia died. And Eli is not a hoarder in this fic, just thought I would clarify that. **

"_No, you won't disarm my heart. The last gift you will get from me is the combination or the key."_

_**Unsafe Safe, The Hush Sound**_

_**A week later**_

_**Eli**_

Slow business days were the death of him, literally. Last time the store had looked like that he had tried to kill himself for the first time. And then to top it all off, Jason had called in, saying that he was feeling sick or some lame excuse like that.

Eli tried to keep distracted by reading, but it wasn't helping. He was still remembering the small fight with his parents after he announced that he was moving out. They were surprised when he told them that he had found an apartment, they were worried that he wasn't ready to be on his own yet.

So after many tears and promises of calling every night to check in, his parents had let go. Eli promised them that he would continue going to therapy, even if he thought it was useless. He tried to forget about the concern on Cece's face, the hesitation on Bullfrog's eyes.

Eli felt guilty for being such a lousy son, for making them go through unnecessary pain. He put the book aside and groaned, feeling miserable.

_Kill yourself. Do it now._

Eli looked around the store and walked over to the record section, trying to organize the already neat racks. He found a Fall Out Boy CD and remembered how he made fun of Julia for liking them, even though deep inside he enjoyed some of their songs.

His mind betrayed him one more time, taking him back to the night Julia died.

"_Are you sure you don't want me to give you a ride home?" asked Eli, kissing Julia on the lips. She stood under the doorway, her dark eyes shining with deep love, and shook her head._

"_I'll be fine. My stepmother will flip if I don't get back before midnight. And it's such a nice night to ride my bike back home, you know?"_

"_You and your damned bike," chuckled Eli. "I feel like your bike gets more love than I do."_

"_Don't get jealous," said Julia, moving closer to him and kissing him softly. "I spread my legs for both."_

"_Such a classy comment," smirked Eli, his heart beating faster._

"_That's why you're with me, I'm a classy broad," she grinned. "I'll see you tomorrow, and we'll go through college applications and we will be okay."_

_Eli kissed her again, not wanting to let go, but he eventually did. "See you tomorrow. Stay on the sidewalk, lunatic drivers do not care for bikes."_

_Julia walked over to her bike and turned around to face him, giving him a little wave before leaving. "I love you!" she yelled, loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear. Eli grinned, embarrassed, but waved back at her, watching Julia disappear into the night._

Eli opened his eyes and heard a pained sigh escape his lips. He had never told Julia he loved her, that was his only regret. She said the words several times, even though she knew that Eli wasn't ready. But he loved her, he truly did. Every time she looked into his eyes, every time she whispered into his ear during sex, every time they held hands... it was love. And he had been a coward. If he had known that Julia would get killed that night...

He remembered coming back from the funeral, the college applications on his desk, and he felt angry. Angry because his life had been destroyed in just one night, all his will for living had disappeared... and yet, he never thought about suicide after Julia's death. Not until...

"Fuck!" he yelled, suddenly glad that Jason called in and that he was all alone in the bookstore. He grabbed a snowglobe Cece had gotten him years ago and threw it to the wall, the shards of glass flying everywhere.

Eli started breathing heavily, the anxiety running through his veins, his vision blurry. He walked haphazardly to the mess he had created, and picked up a long, thin shard of glass. He stared at it in wonder, and looked around even though he was alone.

_Do it. Just do it already, no one will stop you this time._

He placed the glass on top of his scar and felt how the tip started to cut his skin, a drop of blood contrasting again his own paleness.

_Your mother won't stop you..._

_Dig deeper..._

_Clare is not here to save you..._

Eli blinked and stared at his arm, removing the glass from his skin. He dropped the shard, terrified of what he almost did, and started gasping for breath. He reached for his phone and looked through his contacts, desperate for help.

He breathed deeply, wanting to calm down before calling her. He didn't want to scare her away.

Not again.

_**Clare**_

She was tired of waiting for his call.

Every time her phone rang, her heart started beating faster at the thought of Eli, but no. It was never him. Alli kept telling her she was obsessed with saving that man, and maybe she was right. Clare just couldn't stop thinking about him, and this angered and frustrated her.

Clare stared at the enormous pile of homework she had and tried not to panic. Her work had slacked since she sat at many of the same classes that K.C took, making everything extremely awkward. She realized that it had been a mistake, going to the same school, planning their life together...

Well, she had never expected him to cheat on her. Clare thought he was the one. She wiped her tears with her sleeve when she heard the door open, knowing that Alli would be concerned to find her in that state.

"Ugh, horrible day," groaned Alli, sitting on her bed. "I need some Lady Gaga to cheer me up."

"Whatever it takes to make you feel better," mocked Clare as Alli put her headphones on. Clare turned back to face her computer, the writer's block killing her. She could hear the music coming from Alli's headphones and rolled her eyes, smirking to herself.

She heard a buzzing sound and realized that it was coming from her purse. She took her time looking for her phone, and when she finally found it, she sighed, wondering if it was another telemarketer.

"This is Clare."

"So, I've been told that anti-freeze tastes really sweet. I guess I'm about to find out."

Clare almost dropped her phone at the sound of his voice, feeling relieved and flustered, anxious and happy, all at the same time.

"Eli?"

"I mean, seriously. Why would you make anti-freeze taste sweet? Mmm, kill yourself, one sugary treat at a time. I'd rather have a doughnut. Great idea! Anti-freeze covered doughnuts."

"Eli, this is not funny."

"You know what, Edwards? I think that you're the only person in the world who does not find me funny. The rest of the people I know find me hilarious."

"Maybe they're deaf?"

"Ouch, woman. You're not helping my current state of distress."

Clare giggled, and she could almost see the smirk on Eli's lips.

"You called. I thought you said you wouldn't."

"I never said that. I said I wasn't sure about it."

"Hmm. So... are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm great. Just hanging out in the bookstore during a very uneventful day, drinking anti-freeze."

"Sounds like you're having a blast."

There was a moment of silence and Clare just held on to the phone, wondering why Eli had decided to call her at last.

"Clare... any plans for tonight?"

Clare glanced again at all of the books on her desk, at the papers due, at the screen of her laptop where an essay waited for her...

"Nope, I'm free. What's up?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to hang out and talk. Have some drinks or something?"

"I'm not really into anti-freeze."

"Such a shame, really."

"But yeah, I would like that. Where do you want to meet?"

"I'll be here until eight, so maybe you can come over? There's a bar just a couple of blocks away from here."

"I'll be there around eight then."

Another awkward silence, and Clare just waited with bated breath. She had only seen Eli three times in her life, but the reactions his mere voice caused were astonishingly confusing.

"See you then."

"Bye."

Clare hung up and looked back at Alli, who was still listening to music with her headphones on and reading some fashion magazine. Clare threw a pencil at her and Alli squealed, throwing it back.

"What?" asked Alli, taking her headphones off. "This better be worth pausing Lady Gaga."

"Eli just called," said Clare simply.

"Really?" asked Alli excitedly. "What did he want?"

"We're having drinks tonight," said Clare casually, putting her books aside. Alli started giggling like she usually did whenever Clare had some gossip for her, throwing her magazine away.

"I really need to meet this guy," said Alli. "Is he cute?"

"I... I guess," said Clare nervously. She kept thinking of Eli's eyes, of the way he smirked, how she wanted to run her fingers through his hair... "Haven't given it much thought."

"You should have a one-night stand with him," commented Alli. "Get over K.C that way. You did save Eli's life, least he could do!"

Clare blushed furiously and shook her head vehemently, horrified at Alli's suggestion. "Alli! I wouldn't be able to do that! I'm getting over K.C just fine, and also... I'm pretty sure that Eli hates me."

Alli stared at her, a knowing smile on her lips as she reached for her magazine again. "He called you. If he really hated you, he wouldn't call."

"Maybe he feels like he owes me," mused Clare. "That's all."

"He _does_ owe you, that's why I'm saying, sleep with him."

Clare shook her head again and glanced over at her screen, trying to finish her essay before heading out. Alli could be so silly sometimes...

_**Later**_

"Hello?"

Clare closed the door after her and her eyes searched for Eli, but he was nowhere to be seen.

"Lock the door and turn the sign around so they can see we're closed, please," called Eli from the office and Clare obeyed. She walked over to the office and saw Eli sorting through piles of records and books, seemingly exhausted.

"The owner forgot to tell me that we were getting an order today," he said apologetically. "Sorry about the mess."

"Don't worry about it," nodded Clare. "Do you still want to hang out? We can do it another day if you want..."

Eli finished looking though the books and stood up, brushing the dust off his black jeans with his hands. "Nah, I'll finish tomorrow."

Clare noticed the band-aid on Eli's arm and frowned. "What happened?" she asked, pointing at his arm.

Eli shrugged and said nothing, still trying to fix the piles of books.

"Is that why you called me?"

Silence.

"Did you try to...?"

"You ask too many questions," snapped Eli finally. They stared at each other and Clare held on to her purse, her heart aching. Eli looked away and grabbed his keys from the desk hurriedly, his lips pursed.

"I had a bad day, that's all."

Clare looked at him and just wanted to walk over to him and give him a hug, but she just stood there, looking at him.

"I promise to be more pleasant once we get out of here," said Eli, sounding embarrassed. "I'm such a dick sometimes. Not all the time, though."

"Just ninety-nine percent of the time, huh?" mocked Clare, making Eli chuckle.

"Come on, let's go," he said, beckoning her to follow.

_**Later**_

"Another Long Island Iced Tea?" blurted Eli. "Not counting but... Really? Those are dangerous!"

Clare grinned mischievously at him as she sipped on her drink. Eli had ordered two shots of whiskey on the rocks and was just staring at her in admiration.

"They're good!" said Clare defensively.

"You don't even realize you're drunk until you're falling all over the place," chuckled Eli. "Kudos to you, Madam I-love-risking-my-health."

"You're terrible," giggled Clare, and put her drink down. Their eyes met, and Clare felt a burning sensation inside of her that had nothing to do with the alcohol. They didn't speak for what seemed an eternity, they just looked into their eyes, enjoying the silence.

"Question time," said Eli suddenly, breaking the spell between them. "Up for it?"

"Sure," smiled Clare. "If I get to ask questions as well."

"Maybe," teased Eli. "Okay... what were you doing at the river that day? It's not exactly a popular spot, you know."

Clare gulped, trying to figure out how much to tell him, not knowing if she could be completely honest with him. Eli drank some more whiskey and looked at her, waiting for her answer.

"I had a bad day, I just needed to be by myself," said Clare, sipping on her drink.

"A bad day? What happened?" insisted Eli.

"I... I had just broken up with my boyfriend," confessed Clare, and avoided looking at Eli.

"Wow. Sorry to hear that," said Eli, the softness in his voice surprising her. "Why?"

Clare drank some more, and stared at her napkin, not wanting to break down in front of Eli. "He cheated on me... and he got the other girl pregnant."

"Isn't that nice," said Eli sardonically. "What a jerk."

"Whatever, I'm almost over it now," shrugged Clare. "I hope they have tons of babies with good hair and no brains."

Eli choked on his drink, and then started laughing. "Glad to know you're over it. How long did you guys date?"

"A little over two years," said Clare sadly. "I really thought... never mind."

"What?"

"Never mind."

Eli didn't say anything, he just drank in silence.

"You? Are you dating someone?" asked Clare curiously.

"Nope. I mean... I date, but nothing serious," said Eli carelessly. "You're going to college, right? What's your major?"

"Public relations, the writing part of it," said Clare, noticing Eli's reluctance to discuss his love life. "I really wanted to major in English, but apparently you need to major in something that will get you hired. You know, apparently making money is a big deal these days."

"I know, right? How shocking," chuckled Eli.

"And you? Are you going to college?"

Eli remained silent and he seemed uncomfortable. "Oh, I mean, I just figured..." blurted Clare.

"I intended to... but everything kind of fell apart," said Eli cautiously. "Um, I was planning on going to college with my girlfriend at the time, but it didn't work out."

"Did you guys break up?"

"No."

Clare looked at him, and the sorrow she had seen in his eyes the day she rescued him was present again, and she knew that she was venturing into dangerous territory.

"Sorry for being so nosy," mumbled Clare.

"Don't be sorry," said Eli, attempting a smile. "No, we didn't break up. She died. She was riding her bike at night and got hit by a car. I was eighteen, she was seventeen."

Clare felt her heart sink at Eli's words, suddenly understand where all the pain came from. She wanted to comfort him, to tell him that everything would be okay, but she chose to remain silent. A question lurked in her mind and decided to take advantage of the moment to ask it.

"Is that why you... you know, tried to kill yourself? Twice?"

And suddenly, the walls came up again, and she could feel how Eli was distant once again. He looked at her, his expression neutral, and she knew that she had gone too far. "Yes and no... and maybe we can talk about that next time," said Eli.

"Oh, does that mean that you want to hang out again? I'm flattered."

"You're not half-bad to hang out with," winked Eli.

Clare laughed and stared at her empty glass, wanting to say something to make Eli feel better. She jumped in her seat as she remembered a story she listened to during Mass and smiled excitedly at him.

"Yes?" he asked, noticing her expression.

"Last Sunday, the priest gave an example about how monkeys were caught back in the day," started Clare.

"Monkeys? In a sermon? No more drinks for you!"

"Let me finish."

"Okay, okay," said Eli in amusement. "Finish the monkey story."

"Apparently they used to cut holes in trees and put nuts in there," continued Clare.

"Holes and nuts? Oh, this is a dirty story."

"Eli!"

"Sorry, sorry, go ahead," he grinned.

"Anyway, when the monkey tried to take the goodies, its hand would get caught. The only way of escaping was to let go of the nuts, but the monkey wouldn't let go, it wanted to hold on to them. It couldn't let go, and it got killed because of that."

"So what you're trying to say is... that I look like a monkey?" teased Eli.

"No. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes... you just have to let go. You have to let go of whatever is making you feel like you need to end your life."

Eli's expression changed, and he looked somewhat sad. Clare felt guilty at once, and cleared her throat, throwing an apologetic look at him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," she mumbled, and looked down. "I just wanted to make you feel better."

Clare felt Eli's hand close to her face and she looked up as Eli took a loose curl and tucked it behind her ear. His hand brushed her cheek and it lingered there for a few seconds, making Clare blush.

"Hmm," said Eli before removing his hand. "That makes sense. It's not that easy, though."

"No... it's not," admitted Clare.

Eli looked at his empty glass and then back at her, and she couldn't read the emotion in his eyes. "Want to go get some coffee? To sober up a bit?"

Clare nodded and Eli stood up, digging his wallet out of his back pocket. Clare started looking for her card, but Eli grabbed her hand gently and shook his head.

"I'll get it," he smiled, and walked away.

Clare stared after him, still confused, still feeling the touch of his hand on her cheek.

_**Eli**_

He walked into his room and looked at all the boxes he had to take to his new apartment, and tried not to feel overwhelmed. Eli knew that it was time to grow up, and Clare was right, he needed to let go of whatever was holding him back.

_Clare. _

She was such a lovely girl, and Eli sighed as he felt a familiar emotion creep into his heart. But there was still the resentment, he still resented her for saving his life, for not letting him die. He was a mess, and she didn't deserve a guy like that, not after her asshole boyfriend had cheated on her. He didn't deserve her.

_Wait, what? _He thought. _What are you talking about? It's not like you want to date her, that is ridiculous. _

He snorted and tried to be quiet as he walked around his room, not wanting to wake up his parents. He sat on his bed, knowing that it would be one of the last nights he would spend in his bedroom, and the memories came rushing back in. It was the bedroom where he had spent many nights with Julia, where he had written his first poem, where he had...

He closed his eyes and lay down, thinking about the night he tried to kill himself for the first time. Yes, the room had many memories, but it was time to let go. Clare's words went through his mind again and he couldn't help but smile.

He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, not being able to fall asleep. Eli glanced at the band-aid on his arm and wondered what would have happened if he hadn't thought of Clare while holding the glass. "Ha," he muttered simply, finally realizing what had happened earlier that day.

Without her knowledge, Clare Edwards had saved his life again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the lyrics featured in this chapter. Oh my, I own the "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback single. I have no idea why. Excuse me while I go cry in a corner for owning this. I also own The Violent Scissors, the fake band featured in this chapter/fic, as well as their song titles, lyrics, etc. **

**Author's note: Well, another long chapter. Adam is back, booyah! There will be some flashbacks, but it's for backstory and story flow. Hopefully you will like it, I certainly enjoyed writing it. **

"_Why can you read me like no one else? I hide behind these words, but I'm coming out. I wish I kept them behind my tongue, I hide behind these words." _

_**It's Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine, I'm Thinking It Must Be Love, Fall Out Boy**_

_**Days later**_

_**Clare**_

"_Hold on. Are you telling me that fries don't count as part of a nutritious breakfast?" asked Eli in mock disbelief as he poured ketchup on his fries, grinning at her._

"_I seriously doubt it," chuckled Clare, taking a bite out of her order of waffles. They were eating breakfast at a diner before Eli's shift started, celebrating that he had finally moved in to his new apartment. _

"_You need a house-warming party or something," suggested Clare as Eli ate his fries, looking at her. _

"_Yeah, because I have a shitload of friends," said Eli, gulping._

"_Well, you can invite your parents... Jason... what about Adam?" asked Clare excitedly. "You told me he's been a constant presence at the bookstore, right?" _

_Eli raised an eyebrow at her and smirked widely, chuckling lightly as he continued to eat. "You're more excited about this than I am," he mocked._

"_I'll cook!" chimed Clare._

"_Who said that I want you at my party?" blurted Eli sardonically, and Clare threw a napkin at him. _

"_Violence is never the answer," said Eli, trying to sound hurt. "Especially throwing paper utensils at a poor man who is only trying to eat."_

_Their eyes met, and Clare could feel the blush on her cheeks after both started laughing like maniacs, oblivious to everything around them. _

"Clare. Clare."

Someone was poking her in the shoulder and she blinked, waking up from her daydreaming. She had been doing that constantly, her thoughts mostly consisting of the time she spent with Eli, and a nervous smile appeared on her face.

Clare glanced and saw that it had been K.C the one who had been trying to get her attention, making her gulp uneasily. "The teacher just asked you something," muttered K.C, and Clare looked over at her professor, who had his arms crossed.

"Welcome back to earth, Miss," he said crossly and Clare heard some of her classmates snickering. "This is not high school, there is no time for daydreaming about the next keg party. If you intend to pass this Geology class I would suggest to start paying more attention to fossils and less attention to-" the professor waved a hand around, "-Neanderthals."

"Sorry," squeaked Clare, her face burning. The professor continued the lecture and Clare started scribbling down on her notebook, realizing that the pages were blank. She wanted to blame Eli for being constantly distracted, but she couldn't help but smile at the thought of him. Yes, Eli still had some secrets of his own, but he was opening up more, and he was smiling more.

She couldn't deny it, she liked him. Clare liked the way his green eyes studied her face, how he brushed his hand against hers whenever they were hanging out, the hesitation in his face whenever they said good-bye. She smiled again, feeling all warm inside as she bit the top of her pen, and suddenly remembered that K.C was sitting next to her.

Clare glanced at him and noticed that he was staring at her curiously before looking away, his expression flustered. Clare decided to ignore him and waited patiently for the class to end. She had finally found her copy of _Hocus Pocus_ by Kurt Vonnegut and read the whole thing so she could discuss it with Eli, and she couldn't wait for her classes to end so she could drive to the bookstore.

The class finally ended after a painful wait, and Clare grabbed her books hurriedly, trying to get out of there before K.C-

"Hey, hold on," said K.C brusquely and Clare looked over at him.

"Yes?" she asked coldly.

"Clare... I don't want you to hate me," said K.C miserably. "I want you in my life."

"You should have thought about that before cheating on me," snapped Clare, putting her books in her bag. "Before getting another girl pregnant."

"Clare-"

"K.C, I gave you my all," muttered Clare angrily, glancing at her ring finger. "I just can't forget that and pretend it's okay."

K.C just sat there in defeat and looked away, staring intently at his hands. "Sorry."

Clare just huffed and walked away, trying to forget about K.C, and the mere thought of seeing Eli later made her feel better.

_**Adam**_

_She's the girl who will cause sleepless nights, the one who will make you lose your life and mind-_

Adam looked around the cafeteria as he listened to The Violent Scissors' latest CD with his headphones on, writing notes on his journal so he could critique it with Eli later. Adam really enjoyed talking to the older boy, he was a good substitute for Drew sometimes. Adam sighed sadly, hoping that someday Drew would be able to make up with their parents...

Flashbacks of the night Drew moved out went through Adam's mind, his older brother's words etched in his brain..

"_He is going to miss a whole school year if you send him away!" bellowed Drew angrily as Mr. and Mrs. Torres stared blankly at him. Adam was sitting on the couch, clutching the dress he was wearing in a bitter way. Adam glanced at the bags at the door and winced, not wanting to go away._

"_Your sister is just confused," said Mrs. Torres coldly. "She needs help to figure this out and stop this whole 'I'm a boy' thing."_

"_But I am a boy," protested Adam, but everybody ignored him._

"_My brother doesn't need to figure anything out," said Drew stubbornly. "Adam is a man, just deal with it! You guys are insane, trying to change who he is-"_

"_Enough," snapped Mr. Torres. "We're taking Gracie to the clinic, she will stay there for six months, and hopefully all this will be solved."_

_Adam started crying, not wanting to leave, not wanting to change. _

"_You can't change who he is!" yelled Drew. "He is trapped in an unwanted body, why can't you see that? He didn't choose to be born a girl, and he certainly didn't choose such shitty parents."_

_Adam jumped at the sound of his mother's hand slapping Drew's cheek, the sound echoing throughout the living room. _

"_Fuck you," spat Drew, and walked over to Adam. _

"_Brother," he said kindly. "Hang in there. I... I will save you, okay?"_

_Adam nodded, sniffling hard, and Drew kissed him on the cheek. "You look terrible in a dress," muttered Drew, making Adam snort. _

"_I'm leaving," announced Drew. "I'm leaving this house, I'm waking out of your lives, except my brother's. Good luck to all of you, and see you in hell, my dear parents." _

Adam cleared his throat, smiling as he remembered the day Drew showed up at the clinic for a "visit" and helped him escape. Their parents had been furious, making the possibility of reconciliation an impossibility.

Adam's parents were more accepting after the incident though, but Adam wished that Drew would make amends with them so he could have his family together and happy again.

_Happiness is not something you just achieve, you need to work at it until your hands bleed-_

"Ironic," chuckled Adam as he continued to listen to his music, finally starting to eat his sandwich. Bianca walked by and Adam winked at her, causing the girl to shake her head in disgust at him. The whole school knew that he was a transgender, making people stare and mutter at him whenever he walked down the hallways.

But Adam was used to it, so it really didn't bother him too much.

A new song started playing and Adam reached for his pen as he continued to chew, waiting for the vocalist to start singing.

"Is this seat taken?" a cheerful voice asked, and Adam looked up. A stunning girl with long, dark hair and blue eyes was smiling at him, holding a lunch tray.

"I... uh... yeah, I mean, no, I mean, go ahead," said Adam nervously, pointing at the empty chair in front of him.

"Thanks," the girl smiled, sitting daintily in front of him. Adam couldn't stop staring at her, she was just too beautiful, she was probably the most beautiful girl he had ever met. "My name is Fiona Coyne, I just transferred here. My parents said that maybe public school would correct my devious ways."

"That is a very honest introduction," chuckled Adam. "I'm Adam Torres, school pariah and competitive eater... not in a professional way, though."

"Ah, a shame, I've heard they make a lot of money," said Fiona, poking at her salad with her fork. "What are you listening to?"

"Oh, The Violent Scissors," said Adam, closing his notebook.

"I love their music!" squealed Fiona. "Especially their song _Breaking and Entering_, I love it."

"Wow, that is my favorite song," gaped Adam in disbelief. "_It's this internal bleeding, caused by your constant breaking and entering_..."

"I'm not good at singing but..." Fiona blushed. "_You're just breaking me apart, every time you enter and leave this wretched heart._"

"I've never met a girl who likes this band," said Adam breathlessly as Fiona giggled. "I am in awe."

"I'm full of surprises," said Fiona coquettishly. "You're the first person I've talked to today who is actually entertaining."

"Oh, and you haven't seen my magic tricks," grinned Adam, making Fiona laugh. "Rabbits are not allowed in school, sadly."

"Unless we're dissecting them," sighed Fiona. "Isn't that sad?"

"Tragic," said Adam, lost in Fiona's beauty.

The bell rang and Adam started putting his things away, not taking his eyes off Fiona. She was staring back at him, a coy smile on her lips, and Adam gulped.

"Will you join me for lunch tomorrow?" asked Adam, standing up.

"I'll see what I can do," said Fiona coquettishly. "I'll pencil you in."

"As long as you don't write me off," said Adam sincerely. He remembered all those girls who had stopped talking to him after finding about his "situation," he thought of Bianca, he thought of his mother, telling him that she feared that he would get killed for being different...

Fiona smiled at him, her eyes filled with a mixture of hesitation and nervousness, as if afraid to make a move. Adam had never felt so nervous around a girl before, and the sensation scared him.

"Don't worry, Adam. I won't. It's a promise."

_**Eli**_

He sat behind the counter, immersed in _Hocus Pocus_ by Vonnegut, reading one page quickly after another. Eli hadn't read the book in ages, but he had mentioned it to Clare, and he promised to discuss it with her.

A smile appeared on his lips as he thought of Clare, and he couldn't help but feel anxious about his feelings for her. He kept telling himself that he only felt grateful because she had saved his life (even though he would never admit that publicly), that he wasn't attracted to her at all.

But every time they met and spent time together, he could feel the familiar rush of falling for someone, a rush he hadn't felt since Julia died. Sure, he had dated some girls, but those "relationships" had never lasted for more than two or three weeks. He was too damaged, and most girls couldn't handle that, didn't have the time to. He understood why they left him, he always did.

Clare was different and that scared him. She was the kind of girl who would stick around, and Eli found himself falling for her. He thought of the last time they had seen each other, just a couple of nights before, and grinned.

"_Have you ever read this book?" asked Clare, holding a book with a blue cover. The store was already closed, but Eli had promised Clare he would let her browse the book section to her heart's content after closing. _

"_It's a blue book, so no," said Eli from behind the counter, studying Clare's body. "I only read books with red covers, I'm picky like that."_

"_Smart-ass," chuckled Clare. "It's called Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho." _

"_Oh... yeah," said Eli uneasily. "I read a book about suicide, shocking, huh?"_

_Clare stared at the book, flipping through the pages pensively. "Does it have a happy ending?"_

_Eli tapped the glass on the counter, considering his answer. He decided to move and walk over to Clare, his steps slow as he tried to not appear too nervous in front of her. Damn, Clare made him feel like a clueless teenager all over again, trying to be careful of every word that escaped his mouth. _

"_It depends on your point of view," said Eli finally, standing next to her. Clare looked up and blushed at his closeness, and he could smell her perfume, the scent enthralling him. _

"_Does she die in the end?" she asked as Eli moved even closer. _

"_You have to read it, Clare," smirked Eli. "I'm not spoiling the ending for you."_

"_What about your ending?" she asked in a small voice. Eli touched Clare's cheek, his fingertips burning at the sensation of her skin. _

"_What about it?"_

"_Have you thought about what kind of ending you want?"_

_Eli didn't know what to answer, he just moved closer to her, his heart aching..._

"_Boss! I finished sorting through the books!" called Jason, walking in suddenly, making Eli and Clare jump and move away from each other._

"_Ah, that's... that's good," said Eli, clearing his throat. Jason stared curiously at them but said nothing and shrugged, walking back to the office. _

_Eli and Clare looked over at each other sheepishly, and he wanted to beat up Jason for interrupting them. _

"_Take the book," said Eli. "A gift from me to you."_

"_You're going to lose your job if you keep giving me stuff for free," teased Clare. _

_At least I won't lose you, thought Eli. At least you will keep hanging out with me, even though I can't offer you what you deserve. Because I like you, Clare, I like you because I can be myself with you, because you don't judge me... because not only did you save my life that day at the river, you save my life every single time you smile at me. _

"_Don't worry about it," he said instead. _

"Yo!"

Eli jumped off his seat and he heard Adam's familiar chuckle. "Hey, Adam," said Eli, putting his book away. "What's up, little dude?"

"Not much," shrugged Adam. "I finally listened to the new Violent Scissors album."

"And?"

"It's fucking perfection," admitted Adam. "You were right."

"As always," said Eli smugly. Adam looked around as he held on to his backpack, his eyes resting briefly on Jason and Pamela, the other girl who worked part-time at the store.

"How's Clare?" asked Adam suddenly. "I haven't seen her since that day... you know. I've been meaning to ask you, but we always end up talking about music whenever I'm here. Have you seen her lately?"

Eli felt his face starting to burn and he coughed nervously, causing Adam to raise his eyebrows at him. "Uh, she's okay, we've been hanging out," said Eli finally.

"Hanging out as in hanging out, or hanging out as in_ oh, that kind of hanging out_?" asked Adam curiously, a trace of mockery in his voice.

"Dude, did you listen to what you just said?" smirked Eli. "You made no fucking sense."

"You know exactly what I mean," grinned Adam knowingly. "Do you like her?"

"She's a cool girl," said Eli evasively. "She's a good _friend_."

"Oh, so you aren't attracted to her," said Adam, narrowing his eyes.

"Nope," lied Eli, avoiding Adam's eyes.

"Cool, because I want her number."

Eli looked at Adam in disbelief, trying to act nonchalant at his friend's words. "Wh-why?" stammered Eli, failing to hide his jealousy.

"She's cute," shrugged Adam, pulling out his new phone from his pocket. "I want to ask her out. You don't mind, right?"

"Ah, well, see... I don't think she's ready to date, you know, um, she had this boyfriend and they broke up, so yeah, I think she wants to be single for now, so I don't think it would be a good idea to, ah, I don't know, call her and ask her out, and-"

Adam started laughing, causing some customers to stare at him, and Eli frowned at his friend's reaction. "What's so funny?" asked Eli.

"Man, I don't want her number," chuckled Adam. "I was just testing you. You definitely like her, you should have seen your face."

"Asshole," snapped Eli, crossing his arms. "You better stay quiet, I don't want her to know."

"Why?" asked Adam, putting his phone away. "You like her, why not go for it?"

"It's complicated."

"How so?"

"I... long story," said Eli, shaking his head. "Just drop it and keep quiet, okay?"

"Mmmmkay," mumbled Adam, not sounding too happy. "I was going to ask you for advice but you're a mess, I'm going to ask my brother instead."

"Advice about what?" asked Eli.

Adam looked around and lowered his voice, amusing Eli. "I met this girl today."

"Oh, really?"

Adam nodded eagerly, a slight blush appearing on his cheeks. "She's so hot, dude, so freaking hot. But she's funny too, and she loves The Violent Scissors too! God, she's perfect. I'm in love."

Eli chuckled, burying his face in his hands. "You're not in love, man," he snorted. "But she sounds cool. Did you ask her out?"

"I just met her!" exclaimed Adam, sounding horrified. "Fuck no."

"Why not?" frowned Eli.

"Why haven't you told Clare?" retorted Adam.

"Told me what?"

Eli looked up as Adam turned around, and both of them went pale as they saw Clare standing in front of them, holding a book in her hands.

"I... uh..." Adam seemed at a loss for words as Clare glanced curiously at both of them.

"My house-warming party, dinner, whatever," blurted Eli quickly. "Um, I think I'll do it."

"Yeah, party," interjected Adam, and Clare smiled.

"Will you let me cook?" she asked excitedly, walking over to the counter and leaning on it, just in front of Eli. Eli looked into her eyes and cleared his throat, his mouth suddenly dry.

"No, no, I will buy something," he said nervously.

"Well, Clare, it was nice seeing you again," said Adam patting her in the shoulder. "But I have... stuff to do, so I'll leave you two _alone._"

"Oh, sorry, Adam, I didn't even greet you properly," said Clare, sounding embarrassed as she gave him a hug. "You look good!"

"I was born like this," said Adam sardonically. "Can't really help it, can I?"

"Adam, the epitome of modesty," commented Eli, making Clare chuckle. "I'll call you and tell you about the party, okay?"

"I will be waiting like a Christian girl waits to have sex until marriage," mocked Adam before walking away. Eli watched him walk out of the store and turned to look back at Clare, who was blushing furiously.

"Whoa, your face is on fire," noted Eli, reaching out to touch Clare's cheek. "What's wrong?"

"Adam's comment..." she started. "Just... never mind." Clare looked at him and smiled, the blush fading away slowly. "I believe that I'm here to discuss a certain book, Mr. Goldsworthy."

"This discussion is what I've been thinking about all day," said Eli, leaning in, his arms on the counter. Their faces were too close, their noses almost brushing, and he wanted to kiss her badly. She looked at him, the blush reappearing, the unspoken truth between them feeling like a burden that neither one wanted to acknowledge.

"Me too, Eli. Me too."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the Manchester Orchestra lyrics featured in the this chapter. However, I do own The Violent Scissors, a fake band mentioned throughout this fic. **

**Author's note: Thank you so much for the reviews. You guys are amazing, incredible, etc. Oh, and the reason why I created this band is because I didn't want to use a real band for a crucial chapter in this fic... read this chapter and you will see. Dedicated to eclarerocks (because of the reference to one of her favorite bands) and ZephyrHearts (because she is awesome!) ;)**

"_Are you the living ghost of what I need? Are you going to get the best of me? We will see. Because I'm done being done with a funeral, at least for now. Are you tired of being alone? Are you tired of being alone?"_

_**Shake It Out, Manchester Orchestra **_

_**Days later**_

_**Clare**_

_She shivered as she felt his lips on her neck, and part of her wanted to push him away, but she also knew that she never wanted him to stop. His hands were all over her body, he was touching like he never had before..._

_Clare moaned as teeth nibbled on her neck, a warm sensation taking control of her shaking body, and she knew that something wasn't right. _

"_K.C... you need to go back to Jenna," she mumbled, and opened her eyes. _

_Eli's green eyes were staring back at her, and Clare felt her heart stop._

"Sleepy head, we're going to be late," said Alli, shaking Clare gently.

Clare woke up with a start and she placed a hand over her heart, which was beating erratically fast. She had been having _inappropriate_ dreams about Eli for the past few days, and she gulped as she glanced at her watch, realizing that Alli was right.

"Sorry, I..." started Clare as she sat on her bed, causing Alli to manically fix Clare's hair, a concentrated look on her face.

"You haven't been sleeping well, have you," stated Alli simply.

"No," admitted Clare, rearranging her dress. "I've been dreaming... of him."

Alli raised her eyebrows at Clare, a smile lurking on her lips. "Well, good thing that I'll finally get to meet _him_ today," winked Alli. "I'll see if he's worth all these sleepless nights and naughty dreams."

"My dreams aren't naughty!" blurted Clare, the color on her cheeks betraying her words.

"Ha, right," mocked Alli. "Come on, I'm driving. Let's meet this guy."

_**Later**_

"And I think Adam is bringing his brother," continued Clare as they climbed the stairs up to Eli's apartment.

"That brother better be cute, all these stairs are a crime," puffed Alli. "They need an elevator or they need to make more comfortable heels."

"I vote for the latter," giggled Clare as they found Eli's door. She turned around to face Alli, nervously twirling one of her curls around her finger. "Do I look okay?"

"You look gorgeous," smiled Alli. "If he doesn't ask you out today then I will make sure to punch him to death."

"Hopefully that won't be necessary," grinned Clare, sticking her tongue out. Clare knocked on the door, which opened insanely fast, and Eli was standing there with a flustered look on his face.

"You're here," he smiled, and Clare almost melted.

"Brownies," said Clare, holding up a tray.

"Cool."

"Store-bought."

"Still cool."

"Well, this is a very exciting conversation but... Hi, I'm Alli, Clare's best friend, almost-sister," said Alli pompously, extending her hand out. "Nice to meet you at last."

"Same here," said Eli nervously, shaking Alli's hand. "Come in."

Clare looked around the small apartment and saw Eli's parents chatting animatedly by the dining table with Adam, Jason, and an older boy who Clare guessed was Adam's brother.

"Is that the brother?" muttered Alli, leaning towards Clare and pointing at the older boy.

"I think so," muttered Clare back.

"What are you girls muttering about?" smirked Eli, raising an eyebrow at them.

"Your lack of décor," sneered Alli before patting Clare on the shoulder and walking away.

"Huh. I'm hurt," grinned Eli, moving closer to Clare. "My parents are driving me insane."

"Why?" asked Clare curiously. "They seem to be having fun."

"Exactly," chuckled Eli. "You look... beautiful, by the way."

Clare blushed and stared at the floor, crossing her arms as she felt Eli moving even closer to her. "Thanks," she gulped. She looked up and saw Eli smiling at her, and flashbacks of her dreams started running through her mind-

"Clare Edwards!" exclaimed Bullfrog excitedly, walking towards Eli and Clare. He was closely followed by Cece, and Eli's parents gave her a hug at the same time, almost leaving her breathless.

"Well, look at you, you look so cute!" squealed Cece. "No wonder our boy is spending so much time with you lately."

"Ah," interrupted Eli, and Clare wanted to laugh at the slight blush on his cheeks. "Maybe we should start serving dinner?" Eli glanced at Clare and grinned, his face still red. "Cece cooked by the way, so you might want to sign a waiver before eating."

"Hey!" protested Cece as she put an arm around Clare's shoulders. "You guys need to let go of the mac and cheese incident, okay?"

"Mac and cheese incident?" chuckled Clare.

"Let's just say I haven't fully recovered from that one," shuddered Bullfrog.

"The _world_ hasn't recovered from that one," mocked Eli, earning a playful pinch in the arm by his mother.

"Don't listen to them sweetie," said Cece conspiratorially to Clare. "They ate it anyway."

"We shouldn't have," said Bullfrog in mock despair. "My ulcer says so."

Clare couldn't stop laughing and she glanced at Eli, who was just looking at her with the utmost warmth in his eyes. She smiled back at him as Cece chatted and dragged her away to the kitchen, and Clare started missing him immediately.

"Here, help me take the casserole out of the oven," said Cece, handing Clare a pair of mittens. "This apartment is so tiny, I barely had room to move around and cook!"

Clare just smiled as she took the mittens from Cece's hand, and opened the oven door.

"The boy told me that you know how to cook," said Cece as Clare pulled out the caserole and put it on the counter next to the oven. "And that you suggested this dinner."

"I... I thought it would be a nice idea," said Clare sheepishly as she turned to face Cece.

"It was, it was," said Cece, smiling warmly at her. "Clare, I want to thank you."

"For what?"

Cece drew breath and Clare noticed the tears in the woman's eyes. "For saving him. For risking your life that day at the river... if you hadn't been there... I... I would have lost him. I don't think I would have survived that. But I also want to thank you because ever since you two reconnected, there's a difference in his voice. Whenever we talk on the phone and he casually mentions that he spent time with you, he sounds... happy. I have missed the happiness in his voice, it's been years, you know? I know that he's still going to therapy, but honestly, I think that you're the reason why he's doing better. I know that you guys are just friends..." Cece gulped and wiped the tears off her cheek. "But if it ever turns into something more... I know that he wouldn't mind."

Clare just stood there, holding the mittens in her hands, not knowing what to say. Cece walked over to her and gave her another hug, sobbing into Clare's shoulder. Clare hugged her, thinking of Cece's words, and closed her eyes.

"Um..."

Clare and Cece pulled away and saw Eli standing there, a concerned look on his face. "Is everything okay?" he asked, glancing curiously at both of them.

"Everything is fine," sniffled Cece as Clare cleared her throat.

"We were just admiring the beauty of the casserole," mocked Clare, and Eli and Cece chuckled at her comment.

"As long as it's not like the mac and cheese..." started Eli, before having to dodge the mitten that Cece threw at him.

_**Later**_

"And then I told him, 'Dee Dee, get your shit together, man,'" said Bullfrog as they all sat at the table, eating. "But you know, Dee Dee was just insane, and he was crazy about Connie."

"I still can't believe you got to hang out with the Ramones," said Jason in awe.

"He still has the scars," smiled Cece, looking adoringly at her husband.

"You know who I would love to hang out with?" blurted Adam. "The Violent Scissors. Every time I watch videos of their performances, I'm just blown away."

"They're all right," said Drew and Alli at the same time.

"Well, what do you know," said Drew coquettishly, grinning at Alli. "Great minds think alike."

"Not sure about the 'great' part," mocked Adam.

"Hmm," said Bullfrog pensively. "The Violent Scissors, you say? They're having a concert here in like two weeks, right?"

"Yeah, but it sold out," said Adam sadly.

"Um, I believe that I'm the most awesome DJ ever," said Bullfrog smugly. "I think I have a few tickets left. I'm sure I can spare some for all of you."

"That would be awesome!" said Adam excitedly. "Can I bring a... friend?"

"Sure!" said Bullfrog merrily.

"That's really cool, dad," admitted Eli, glancing at Clare.

"I've never actually listened to them," said Clare, causing all the men at the table to gasp in horror.

"You just broke one of the ten dude commandments," chuckled Cece.

"You have to-"

"They're so good-"

"Their lyrics are just, ugh-"

"Okay, okay, I'll give them a listen," said Clare hurriedly. She looked over at Eli, who was sitting across from her, and he smiled smugly at her.

"Oooh, Clare going to a rock concert," mocked Alli. "My oh my, our little girl has changed."

"That's right, you've known her for a long time," said Eli, a trace of mockery in his voice. "Any embarrassing stories to tell?"

"Oh, plenty," sneered Alli.

"You guys are evil," blushed Clare.

"Clare used to wear her Catholic schoolgirl uniform when she transferred to my high school, a_ public _high school," giggled Alli. "She looked so cute!"

"A schoolgirl uniform, huh?" asked Eli, grinning widely as Clare started blushing even more.

"I didn't want to get rid of it," she mumbled.

"I'm not complaining," chuckled Eli. "Do you still have it?"

Clare looked at him and their eyes met, and she suddenly wished that they were alone. He was looking at her in a different way, and it was making her nervous.

"I still remember that time your mother wore a schoolgirl outfit," said Bullfrog casually. "I think that you were conceived that night."

Everyone at the table groaned before starting to laugh uncontrollably, and Clare giggled when Eli buried his face in his hands, embarrassed.

"Thanks for ruining that for me, dad," sighed Eli mockingly.

"Anytime, boy. Anytime."

_**Later **_

"Well, I think it's time for me to go," yawned Alli.

Eli's parents and Jason had left already, and the rest of them had been talking and laughing for what it seemed hours. Clare was sitting next to Eli on one of the couches, and she wished that she hadn't carpooled with Alli so she could stay longer.

"I guess I have to go," she said to Eli, trying not to sound sad.

"Who said that you're going with me?" blurted Alli, standing up. "Drew and I are going to a bar right now."

"What about me?" asked Adam.

"You can take my car," said Drew, handing him the keys. "Just park it far away from the house and I'll pick it up later."

"Well, Alli, I came here with you..." started Clare.

"Eli can give you a ride home, right?" said Alli mischievously, causing Clare to feel anxious. She had been alone with Eli before, but never in a setting like that, and she tried hard not to freak out in front of everyone.

"Yeah... if Clare doesn't mind," said Eli, looking over at her.

"I guess that's okay," squeaked Clare, causing Eli to look at her curiously.

"It's settled then!" said Alli cheerfully. As theys aid their goodbyes, Clare pulled Alli side and glared at her.

"You planned this, didn't you? This is why you were so eager to drive!" muttered Clare.

"Something needs to happen between you two... no, Clare, not sex," whispered Alli, noticing the panicked expression on Clare's face. "But seriously, the way he looks at you... the guy likes you. Maybe you just need to figure this out tonight."

Clare said nothing and Alli kissed her on the cheek before walking away. "See you later," grinned Alli, walking out the door with Drew.

Adam just looked at Eli and Clare and cleared his throat uncomfortably, leaving the chair he was sitting on. "I'm exhausted so... I'm leaving too," he said, smiling at them. "This was fun. And we get to see The Violent Scissors in two weeks!"

"Thrilling," said Eli, and Clare noticed that he sounded nervous. After a few more jokes, Adam left, finally leaving them alone.

"So..." said Eli, not quite looking at her.

"Yeah..." Clare studied her fingernails as they both stood in front of each other, and Clare could almost hear her nervous heartbeats in the quiet room.

"I have a bottle of vodka in the freezer," suggested Eli. "Maybe we can drink so I can forget that my mother wore a schoolgirl uniform?"

Clare giggled and looked at him, smiling. "Sure, why not?"

_**Eli**_

"The cheese looked green, and Cece insisted that it was normal. Bullfrog and I had food poisoning for almost a week!"

Eli loved making Clare laugh, the sound was precious to him. His cheeks hurt from all the laughing, but for the first time in a while, it was pain that he could control.

"That is just so sad," chuckled Clare.

"It is, isn't it?" grinned Eli, pouring more vodka into his glass. "Okay, enough silliness. Let's talk about serious stuff."

Clare held on to her glass and sipped on it, gulping nervously. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I've had something in my mind for a while, and I'm dying to ask you," said Eli, slurring his words a little. "When Adam made that comment about 'waiting like a Christian girl waits to have sex before marriage,' you looked embarrassed. I know you're religious... I'm just curious."

Clare looked at him, and she seemed to be considering his words. "What do you want to know?"

"If you... if you're waiting," said Eli finally, and he could feel his face getting red.

Clare sighed sadly and drank the rest of the vodka in her glass, reaching for the bottle. Eli handed it to her and watched her as she poured more of the alcohol in her glass, and Clare put the bottle aside.

"When K.C and I met, at the beginning of our last year of high school, I wore a purity ring. I was a shy, timid girl, with no experience whatsoever, and K.C represented everything my parents disapproved of. They were going through a divorce, and dating him seemed like the perfect way of showing my discontent about the whole situation. However, K.C was a good guy, and I ended up falling in love with him. He was very understanding of my vow, and we even talked about marriage. I loved him, Eli, I really did. After a while, he started to get distant... and we started going to college, all these girls would flirt with him, and I felt like I was losing him. So, after dating him for two years, I told him that I was ready... that I was ready to sleep with him."

Eli drank, absorbing the pain coming from Clare's words. "But you weren't."

"Sorry?"

"You weren't ready to sleep with him."

Clare smiled sadly and shook her head. "No. I wasn't."

They both sat on the couch in silence, drinking from their glasses. "I slept with him," said Clare, breaking the silence. "I slept with him and two months later he told me he cheated and got another girl pregnant. I asked him how far along she was and he said four months. Four months, Eli. He slept with another girl before he slept with me, and I was so stupid..."

Eli put his glass aside and moved closer to her, wrapping his arms around her. Clare cried for a long time, but he just held on to her, trying to push away the homicidal thoughts towards her ex-boyfriend. Clare's sobs finally subdued, but she stayed close to Eli, resting her head on his chest.

"That's why I went to the river that day... I just had to get away from it all," sniffled Clare.

"Ironic," said Eli. "That's why I went there that day too."

Clare looked up at him and frowned. "You asked your question. It's my turn now."

Eli let go of her and moved away, reaching for his glass. "Fair enough."

"Why... why did you try to kill yourself?"

Eli breathed deeply, knowing that he owed Clare an honest explanation. "It's funny how I never thought about suicide after Julia died. I missed her like hell, but no, never tried to kill myself. I decided to find a job to keep me distracted, and that's when I started working at the bookstore. People kept asking me if I planned to go to college but... I don't know. It seemed like those aspirations died with Julia. I was quite content with being a nobody."

Eli drank some more and sighed, looking at Clare. "Over a year ago, the bookstore owner promoted me and I became a manager. I should have been thrilled... but I wasn't. It was as if this sensation of ultimate despair took control of me, and I just... I don't know. My first day as a manager was a very slow day, hardly any customers at all. One of my old friends dropped by to wish me luck, and to tell me that he was moving to the U.S because he had been offered a scholarship. And it hit me. Everybody was moving on, and I was stuck. I was living just for the sake of living, I really had no desire to do anything in life. I got home that night, knowing that my parents would be away for hours, and I went to the kitchen and grabbed a sharp knife, and went to my bedroom. I sat on my bed and just... I just did it. I don't remember much, I remember fading out and Cece screaming, and then the hospital. I don't have a valid reason for my suicide attempts... I just felt tired of living a worthless life."

"Your life is not worthless," said Clare, moving closer to him again. "It's not."

"Are you sure?" asked Eli miserably. "I feel like I'm a walking corpse sometimes... except when I'm with you."

Clare's eyes filled with tears and she kissed him on the cheek, making Eli put his arms around her again.

"I owe you, you know," said Eli, kissing her on the forehead.

"No... you don't," chuckled Clare. "You really don't."

"Let me show you the balcony, okay?" said Eli after a few minutes of silence.

"You have a balcony?" blurted Clare. "How fancy!"

"Well, they promoted it as a balcony, it's just a tiny space sticking out of the building," smiled Eli. They both got off the couch and Eli took Clare's hand, taking her to his bedroom.

"There," he said, pointing at the sliding glass doors. "Come on."

They stepped out and the warm air greeted them, and Clare rested her hands on the rail, smiling happily.

"This is nice," she said contentedly.

"Yeah," said Eli, not taking his eyes off of her. "Do you want me to call a cab? I'm in no shape to drive... or you could stay."

Clare looked over at him, hesitation etched on her face. "I can sleep on the couch," added Eli.

"Okay," said Clare nervously. "I'll stay."

"Good."

Eli walked closer to her and cupped her face with his hands, looking into her eyes. "Thank you for everything," he said quietly.

"Eli?"

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you another question?"

"Sure."

Clare gulped and put her arms around his waist, her lower lip trembling as she did so. "That night... when you let me browse the book section after the store closed... if Jason hadn't walked in... would you have kissed me?"

Eli's breathing became uneven as Clare moved closer to him, and he leaned in, their noses brushing. "Yes," he said sincerely.

"Well... Jason is not here now..." started Clare, and Eli pulled her closer and kissed her, pressing his lips softly on hers.

"Wait." Eli pulled away and looked at her, noticing the confusion in Clare's eyes. "We're drunk."

"Just a little," shrugged Clare.

"I just don't... I just don't want you to regret this in the morning," said Eli despairingly.

"Stop being so afraid, please," pleaded Clare. "All these walls you have... just stop."

Eli leaned in again, swallowing nervously, and their lips met. The kiss started slow, both of them getting used to each others' lips, and Eli wondered why he had hesitated for so long. Clare started kissing him more urgently, and Eli took advantage of her parted lips to deepen the kiss, feeling elated when Clare held him closer.

They kissed for a long time, and when they finally pulled away, Eli could feel the soreness starting to spread on his lips. "We should go to sleep... I do have to work tomorrow, you know," said Eli.

"On a Saturday? Not fair," protested Clare.

They walked back in and both of them just stared at the bed, an uncomfortable silence between them. Clare moved closer to him and grinned, brushing his cheek with her hand.

"Alli said... that I should sleep with you," mumbled Clare, pressing a finger on Eli's lips.

"Did she?" smirked Eli, pulling Clare's hand away gently. "Why?"

"She said that it would help me get over K.C," said Clare, blinking slowly. "I'm already over him, though... But you know..."

"As much as I would love that," said Eli, distancing himself, a playful grin on his lips. "You're drunk and this is not how I imagined the first time having sex with you, no offense."

Clare just stared blankly at him, and then a mischievous smile appeared on her face. "But you have thought about it, huh?" she mocked.

"You're very attractive, and I'm a guy, so... yeah, obviously," grinned Eli.

"I've thought about it too," said Clare quietly, putting her hand on Eli's chest. "I like you a lot."

"Good to know," gulped Eli. "That- that's good to know."

"Do you like me?" she whispered as her lips brushed his.

"Clare... you need to go to bed," said Eli, pushing her away gently and regretting it at once. "We'll talk about this tomorrow, okay?"

"I don't want you to stay on the couch. Stay here... just stay."

Eli felt weak when he saw the pleading in Clare's eyes and nodded. "I will."

They got into bed and Eli cuddled next to her, wrapping his arms around her waist as Clare rested her head on his chest. Clare soon fell asleep and Eli just stared at her, at her slightly parted lips, how her eyelashes fluttered even though she had her eyes closed, and he groaned in frustration.

"I... I really, really like you," he muttered, and closed his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. I own the Violent Scissors, a band mentioned in this fic. I also do not own any of the lyrics referenced in this chapter… especially not the ones in the Alli scene. Oh, you'll see. And probably laugh at me. **

**Author's note: I've never been about reviews. Having people read my stuff is already amazing enough. But I have to mention that the reviews for last chapter were so overwhelming, you guys put a big smile on my face. Thank you for making me feel like my writing is worth something. **

_"I want to know your fears, from your feet to the back of your ears  
and when they raise the landing gear will your heart stay here?  
If you could forgive me for being so brash, well you...  
you could hit me or whip me, I'd savor each lash."_

**_I Want To Know Your Plans, Say Anything _**

**_Eli_**

Cooking was definitely not his thing. He looked at the almost-empty fridge and sighed, wondering what to offer Clare when she woke up. He thought of taking her out for breakfast before his shift started, the nerves making his head spin. Eli had barely slept during the night, having Clare next to him had kept him awake, so he often went out to the balcony to smoke. He ran out of cigarettes before dawn, and had sneaked out of the apartment to go to the pharmacy and buy more. He thought of Clare while he was shopping and bought a new toothbrush, shivering at the symbolism of it. Maybe he was moving too fast…

He heard approaching steps and closed the fridge at once, waiting. He gulped as he thought of the perfect words to say, rehearsing them in his head, wondering what Clare's reaction would be-

"Hi," said Clare timidly as she walked in.

"Hey," he said, and almost groaned when he heard his voice cracking with nerves. "Good morning."

"Thanks for the toothbrush," said Clare sheepishly, avoiding his eyes. "I saw it next to the sink. Orange is a really good color."

"No problem," gulped Eli as Clare walked closer to him, still looking down. "Wasn't sure of what color to pick, you don't strike me as the pink kind of girl."

"Well done, Mr. Goldsworthy," she mumbled, wrapping her arms around him.

"I pride myself in doing things right," said Eli, attempting to hide his nerves. "Except minor things like suicide and such." Clare looked up at him, smiling, making his nerves disappear completely.

"Hey," he said shyly.

"Hey," she echoed, still smiling.

"We are _very_ eloquent people," said Eli, smirking a little. He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Clare's lips, still amazed that he was able to do so. Clare responded to the kiss in the same gentle manner, as if afraid of making a false move. She pulled away slowly and sighed sadly, causing Eli to look at her in concern.

"What's wrong?" he asked, feeling uneasy.

"Can we sit down or something?" she said, avoiding looking at him again. Eli could feel a weird vibe coming from Clare and he tried to put his defenses up as they walked to the living room. They sat on the couch next to each other and Clare just stared at her hands, which were shaking.

"About last night..." she started, and Eli felt his heart drop. "We… we need to talk about it."

"It's okay if it meant nothing to you," said Eli rapidly, trying to get rid of any emotions. "We were drunk and-"

"Eli, hold on," said Clare, finally looking at him. "We just kissed a few seconds ago. Of course it meant something to me."

"But?" asked Eli coldly. "There is a 'but' lurking in your words, and if you're going to say something just say it now."

Clare's eyes were filled with sadness, and Eli regretted his sudden outburst. "I don't regret what happened, okay?" she said, her voice trembling. "I just want to make sure that it happened for the right reasons."

Eli gulped again, trying to ignore his aching heart. Clare sounded broken for some reason, and he wasn't sure why. "What do you mean, Clare?"

"Well, I just...," Clare hesitated as Eli placed his hand on hers, trying to stop the shaking. "I don't want you to feel like you owe me, or like I needed cheering up after what I said about K.C-"

"I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you," interrupted Eli. "I've been wanting to kiss you for a while, so… there is no need to over-analyze this."

Eli leaned his forehead against Clare's, and she touched him gently on the cheek with her free hand, her breathing uneven. Their lips brushed, and Eli longed to kiss her again, but Clare moved away before he could do something about it.

"I think that we need some time apart," she said plainly. "We've been spending a lot of time together and maybe we are just confused… I don't know. Let's figure this out on our own before we jump into anything."

"Ah." Eli let go of her hand slowly, trying to remain composed. "If that's what you want."

She glanced at him and spoke, the pain in her voice quite evident. "Eli, don't be mad at me."

"I'm not," admitted Eli. "I'm just confused. But if you need time to figure stuff out then... go for it."

"You're mad," stated Clare, and Eli looked at her, noticing the tears in her eyes.

"No, I swear I'm not," he said, attempting a smile. "Um… I have to drive you back to your dorm, right? I, uh, I have to work and all."

He stood up and Clare followed him, grabbing him by the wrist. "Just give me a few days," said Clare despairingly. Their eyes met for what it seemed hours, as Eli struggled with the things he really wanted to say. He wanted to tell her that he didn't want her to leave, that maybe he wasn't the best person in the world, but that he would try to heal, just for her.

But maybe he was already scaring her away with his sick dependency. His need for her was so great that he was already pushing her away without realizing it. All the thoughts running through his head were already driving him insane, and she hadn't even left yet. Clare was still standing in front of him, waiting for his response, waiting for an answer he didn't want to say.

"Time apart… that's fine. I'm okay with it."

**_Later_**

"Thanks for the ride," said Clare sheepishly as Eli parked right outside of her building.

"No problem," he said, trying to remain emotionless. "Be grateful that I don't drive a hearse anymore, people would be staring right now."

"You used to drive a hearse?" asked Clare in amusement.

"Another story for another day," said Eli shortly, staring at the steering wheel. He drummed his fingers on the wheel, not knowing what else to say. Were they going to say _good-bye_? _See you later_? _I'm sorry_?

"You can still call me, you know?" said Clare suddenly, breaking the silence. "If-"

"I need to talk to someone, yeah," blurted Eli bitterly.

"Look at me," said Clare sadly, but Eli shook his head.

"I can't," he mumbled, and he felt Clare's hand touch his arm. She let go quickly and Eli heard the sound of the door opening and closing, and he could feel Clare's presence next to the car.

"Eli…"

"Bye, Clare," he said coldly, and drove away.

**_Clare_**

She walked down the hallway in a zombie-like state, not paying attention to her surroundings. When she woke up at Eli's apartment, trying to make sense of what had happened the night before, it had terrified her. And when she walked to the bathroom and noticed the toothbrush next to the sink, panic had corroded her senses.

Clare tried not to start crying as she walked to her room, praying for Alli to be awake so they could talk. She finally got to her door and opened it, sighing with relief at the sight of Alli sitting at their desk, typing hurriedly on her laptop.

"Morning," said Alli cheekily, glancing at Clare. "Let me just finish sending this e-mail to Sav and then we'll discuss the juicy details."

"There is nothing to discuss," said Clare miserably as she walked over to her bed and sat on it, tears running down her cheeks. Alli stopped typing and ran over to her, hugging her tightly as she sat next to Clare.

"What happened?" asked Alli urgently. "Did he do something to you? Clare, please tell me!"

Clare started sobbing harder and Alli just held her close, letting her cry. Clare finally stopped sobbing as Alli handed her some tissues, and she wiped her tears away.

"I messed up," sniffled Clare. "I'm the one to blame."

"Clare, you're killing me! What's wrong?" pleaded Alli. "You looked so happy yesterday and now you're a wreck! Did he reject you? Do I have to kill that asshole?"

"He kissed me," gasped Clare, still not able to believe it. "We kissed last night… we were both drunk…"

"Did you sleep with him?" sighed Alli.

"We shared the same bed but no, we didn't have sex," said Clare, still feeling miserable. "He was so sweet, he even bought me a toothbrush…"

"Nothing is making any sense," said Alli, frowning. "Why are you crying then?"

"I…" Clare gulped. "I told him that we needed some time apart."

"What!" shouted Alli, standing up quickly, her eyes filled with utter shock. "I'm sorry, but you've been pining for this guy since the first time you met and he finally kisses you and you tell him that you need some time apart and-"

"Calm down!" blurted Clare.

"I will _not_ calm down!" exclaimed Alli hysterically, running her fingers through her hair. "What is your problem? Why did you tell him that?"

"Because I'm afraid!" snapped Clare, tears running down her cheeks again. "We didn't meet in a conventional way, I'm afraid that he doesn't really like me, that he only feels like he owes me! I'm so scared, Alli, because I really like him!"

"Oh, Clare," snorted Alli. "I was there last night, I could tell that the guy is crazy about you! Those little looks he gave you… if he only felt like he owed you he would have given you all the books in the world and call it a day. But he wants _you_ around, he obviously likes you!"

Alli breathed deeply and resumed her position next to her, putting an arm around her best friend's shoulders. "There is something else, Clare," stated Alli. "I know there is. I'm your best friend, you can tell me."

Clare looked at Alli and saw the knowing expression in her eyes, and she knew that she had to be honest. "What if things get serious between us?" said Clare in a small voice.

"What do you mean?" asked Alli, sounding confused. "That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"What if… we have sex?" muttered Clare.

"You don't want to have sex with him?" asked Alli. "That's weird."

"No, I mean… I do… but…" Clare swallowed as the panic started rising in her chest. "What if I sleep with him and he leaves?"

Alli looked at her in realization and smiled sadly at her, giving her another hug. "Oh, Clare-bear, Eli is _not _K.C," she said. "I know that what happened with that asshole was terrible, but it doesn't mean that the same thing will happen with Eli."

"I don't know that," sniffed Clare.

"Does Eli seem like that kind of guy?" asked Alli.

"No, but K.C was supposed to be the love of my life," sighed Clare. "And here we are."

"Clare, if you're just going to run away from every possible relationship just because of something that happened in the past, then you might as well start going to nun school," deadpanned Alli. "I've been through roller-coaster relationships, you've seen it. And yet, here I am, still trying to make things happen. I still believe in love, and yes, I'm crazy but that's just a minor detail."

Clare chuckled, her tears mixed with laughter as Alli smiled widely at her. "Did he seem okay with taking some time apart?" asked Alli curiously.

"I don't think so," admitted Clare. "I'm so stupid."

"No, you're not," said Ali, trying to fix Clare's hair. "You just panicked because you like him too much. Well, take some time off, but make sure that you call him back eventually."

"I will," nodded Clare.

"And when you call him, please say…" Alli grabbed a hair brush that was sitting on the desk and put it close to her lips, breathing deeply. "_I can't live… If living is without you… I can't live…"_

Clare started giggling uncontrollably as Alli closed her eyes and stood up on the bed, singing loudly. "_I can't give anymooooooooore_!" sand Alli, and Clare couldn't breathe, her cheeks hurting.

A sudden noise inside the bathroom they shared made Clare jump, and Alli dropped the brush. "Are you okay?" called Alli, making Clare frown. Clare looked around the room and saw a pile of guy's clothes next to Alli's bed and she covered her mouth with her hands, shrieking.

"I'm fine!" called Drew from inside the bathroom. "You girls have too much crap in here!"

"You slept with him?" squeaked Clare as Alli gave her a mischievous grin.

"He's cute," said Alli, mockingly defensive. Drew walked out of the bathroom, wearing a towel around his waist and Clare covered her eyes quickly.

"I left my clothes outside," said Drew awkwardly. Clare heard the springs of her bed creak as Alli jumped off, feeling embarrassed about the entire situation.

"Were you singing a Mariah Carey song?" sneered Drew, and Clare giggled nervously.

"Ugh, just go in and put some clothes on, you indecent boy," snapped Alli playfully. Clare heard a door close and looked up, noticing the blush on Alli's face.

"What?" grinned Alli.

Clare sighed, wondering if she could ever be as free-spirited as her best friend. She thought of Eli, of her stupid fears, and decided to make it up to him after spending some time apart.

"Nothing. Nothing."

**_Adam_**

Eli leaned on the counter as he read _Tell-All_ by Chuck Palahniuk (again), his eyes following the customers who were browsing the racks. Adam was sitting behind the counter, reading a comic book, a privilege he had earned just for being Eli's friend. It was a good place to sit, hidden from view, and he could read tons of comics for hours without anyone complaining.

Adam put aside his comic and opened his mouth to speak, continuing the little rant he had been going on and on for the past hour.

"Fiona, do you want to go to a concert with me? Hey, Fiona, I got some tickets for The Violent Scissors... no. Fiona, I was wondering-"

Eli closed his book swiftly and glared at him, holding the hardcover novel threateningly over his head. "Dude, if you keep talking like that I'm going to throw this book at you."

Adam grinned and picked up the comic, trying not to burst out laughing. "Just practicing."

"This is a bookstore, not a Casanova-training center," snapped Eli brusquely.

"Man, you're in a crappy mood," noted Adam. "I thought that you would be all smiles and giggles today."

"Did you really picture me giggling?" asked Eli, raising an eyebrow at him.

"No, but I thought that you would be happy…" Adam cleared his throat, lowering his tone. "What happened with Clare last night?"

Eli looked at him and Adam noticed the sudden pain in his friend's eyes. Eli looked away and started reading again, gulping as he did so.

"Eli?"

"What?"

"You didn't answer my question," insisted Adam.

"Nothing happened," shrugged Eli, his voice laced with grief. "We kissed, that's all."

"That's all?" exclaimed Adam loudly, and Eli glared at him. "Dude, you kissed! But you're acting like '_Oh, I'm Eli Goldsworthy, I kiss hot chicks all the time, no big deal_.'"

"It's not like that," said Eli grimly. "She just flat-out rejected me."

"No fucking way," gasped Adam in disbelief.

"She spent the night… get your mind out of the gutter, we didn't have sex," added Eli, noticing the smile appearing on Adam's face. "And then this morning we kind of kissed again and then she told me that we needed a break. We aren't even dating yet and she asked for a break. In other words, she's fucking tired of me."

"Or you're a lousy kisser," mused Adam mockingly.

"Thanks, man," said Eli wretchedly.

Adam saw the misery on Eli's face and put his comic aside again before taking a deep breath, and closed his eyes. "I'm going to tell you a story. Several weeks ago, I was taking all of our old newspapers out to the recycling bin-"

"That sounds really exciting and all but… how is this relevant?" interrupted Eli.

"Hush, my Gothic mentor, let me continue," said Adam somberly. "Anyway, when I was going through the papers I saw a familiar face, and I just had to read."

Eli looked away, gulping nervously. "Clare's name was on the paper, and a picture of her next to this huge headline… saying how she saved some random guy from drowning," continued Adam. "You were that guy, weren't you?"

"How observant," said Eli dryly.

"Did you try to kill yourself?" asked Adam inquiringly. "I've seen the scar on your arm, you know. I'm not stupid."

"You could have fooled me," snapped Eli, his eyes focused on his book.

"It's okay, I know the answer," shrugged Adam. "Okay, has it occurred to you that maybe she is afraid?"

"Afraid of what?" asked Eli sorrowfully. "I like her, I'm not going to do anything stupid and hurt her... or myself."

"Maybe she's just afraid of starting something with you… you guys met in a weird way," said Adam, taking a wild guess. "Maybe that's why she asked for some time apart. I'm just guessing, I might be wrong."

Eli said nothing and Adam grew tired of the silence, and continued reading his comic. After several minutes he noticed that Eli put aside his book, lost in thought.

"_It's that girl with the blue eyes, the one that I'm afraid of touch_," quoted Adam. "_If I blink I fear that she will disappear, my heart just can't handle that much._"

Eli grinned and looked at him, shaking his head. "You really think that if you quote The Violent Scissors everything is going to get better?"

Adam chuckled, keeping his eyes on the comic. "You're grinning, so I must be doing something right."

"I'll give her space," sighed Eli. "I'll be miserable and whiny and snappy, but I will give her space."

"You're already miserable, whiny and snappy, so… what's your point?" mocked Adam.

"You're such an idiot," smirked Eli, grabbing his book. "But thanks. Thanks for listening."

Adam shrugged again, looking over at Eli with a huge smile on his face.

"No worries, man. That's what friends are for."


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the lyrics featured at the beginning of this chapter. I do own The Violent Scissors, a band I made up for this fic.**

**Author's note: Sorry about Adam's POV being so short, but the next chapter will be slightly more focused on him, that's why. I hope you like this chapter… it was difficult to write because it is kind of personal in a way. Enjoy. **

***dedicated to my friend Cortney because she is going through a rough time right now. Love you.***

"_Are you really here or am I dreaming? I can't tell dreams from truth, for it's been so long since I have seen you. I can hardly remember your face anymore. When I get really lonely and the distance causes our silence, I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes…a lover that sighs."_

_**If You Want Me, The Swell Season **_

_**Adam**_

"You can do it, Torres. Come on."

Adam was muttering under his breath as he approached Fiona, who was standing in front of her locker, going through a fashion magazine.

"Hey, where have you been?" asked Adam, leaning on the locker. Fiona looked up from the magazine and gave him a bright smile, causing Adam's knees to go weak. "You've been MIA for most of the week, I've been so lonely at the cafeteria."

"I went to New York to visit my brother," shrugged Fiona. "It was kind of a fashion emergency. Sorry for not letting you know."

"I'm so hurt that I didn't get a notification," mocked Adam. "So hurt."

"I will make it up to you," said Fiona, flipping through the pages of her magazine. "Coffee after school?"

"Oh, are you asking me out?" asked Adam mischievously, winking at her.

Fiona laughed, patting him on the shoulder. "Perhaps."

Adam was intoxicated by Fiona's presence, and his gut told him that it was the right time to ask her about the concert. He had never been so terrified in his entire life, not even when he told his family that he was a transgender. Suddenly having to endure his mother's fury once again didn't seem that bad compared to the prospect of asking out Fiona Coyne, but he knew that he had to do it.

Adam moved closer and he smiled when he saw Fiona blushing. "Um," he said, brushing Fiona's hand with his. "I have something to ask you."

Fiona looked at him, a nervous smile on her lips. "Ask away, Mr. Torres."

"Um… how much do you like The Violent Scissors?" he asked cheekily.

"I like them very, _very_ much," said Fiona vibrantly. "Why do you ask, my dear sir?"

"Well, I happen to have an extra ticket for their upcoming concert," said Adam, faking indifference. "I was wondering if you wanted to come along."

Their eyes met and Adam waited anxiously for Fiona's answer, gulping as she closed her magazine and put it back in her locker. She smiled very self-consciously and looked back at him, moving closer.

"Like a date?" she said coquettishly, tugging at the bottom of Adam's shirt.

Adam's heart started beating faster, Fiona's body too close to his, and he looked around, wondering if people noticed that the hottest girl in school was with him. Adam Torres, the school pariah, actually managing to get a girl interested in _him_. _How odd_, he thought.

"I… yeah, like a date," he muttered, and Fiona leaned in, kissing the corner of his lips. Adam felt a rush of blood go all the way up to his face, his mind reeling at the sensation of Fiona's lips close to his.

"Sounds good," smiled Fiona as she moved away. "Now, I have to go to my Biology class. Do you mind walking with me?"

"N-no, I don't mind," stammered Adam, his nervousness making Fiona giggle. They walked side by side and he grinned when he felt Fiona's hand clutching his, and they held hands all the way to Fiona's classroom.

_**Eli**_

He leaned against the wall, smoking his cigarette and watching the rest of the "patients" walk inside, their eyes barely glancing at him. He smirked derisively as he heard their muttering, wanting to get out of there. But he had promised his parents that he would continue going to therapy no matter what, and he was trying to keep his promises.

Eli dropped the remains of the cigarette and stepped on it, reaching for the pack in his pocket and pulling another one out. He lit it and sighed sadly, trying not to think of Clare Edwards, of her face, of her eyes…

He had promised to stay away for a while, but it was a promise that he regretted making. Eli missed her and their conversations, he missed the way she smiled shyly whenever she caught him staring at her and most of all, he missed Clare's lips. He had only kissed her once (the morning-after kiss didn't really count for him) but he couldn't stop thinking of the kiss, replaying it over and over just to torture his already broken heart.

"Fuck, it's time," he mumbled, and threw away the cigarette. He walked inside, the scent of the building filling him with dread as he walked down the hallway. He could hear laughter coming from one of the rooms, the crying coming from another one, and he swore he heard someone praying. All the support groups in the building were there to offer comfort, he thought, an emotion that all humans wanted to conquer, an emotion that none of them could really comprehend.

Clare was the definition of comfort for him, but she obviously didn't want to be with him. Eli felt his chest rising with despair and he tried to stop thinking of her as he walked into the room, all eyes on him.

He sat on one of the empty chairs, tugging on the zipper of his jacket and avoiding looking at anyone. Eli glanced around and noticed that the chair where Ronnie always sat was empty, and he felt grateful. Eli hated Ronnie's positive attitude, the way he spoke about life being the best thing ever, the way he spoke about how lovely his wife and kids were.

_Ugh, kill me now,_ thought Eli, his head starting to ache.

"Hello everyone," said Dr. Berlasky hurriedly as he walked in, holding his notepad close to his chest. "Let's start, okay?"

People started muttering and Eli noticed that they were all staring at Ronnie's chair, and a sense of uneasiness started to take control of him.

"Um…" started one of the patients, a middle-aged woman, as she raised her hand. "Where's Ronnie?"

Dr. Berlasky gulped and said nothing, sitting at the chair he usually sat on. "Doctor, Maria asked a question," snapped Eli, and everyone looked at him in alarm.

The therapist looked up and frowned at Eli, his hand still writing on his notepad. "Ronnie decided not to return to the group anymore," deadpanned Dr. Berlasky. "Now, if we could all talk about what makes us fall into depression…"

Jeremy, another one of the patients, put his wrinkled hand on top of Eli's and leaned in. "Ronnie is dead," breathed Jeremy, his voice barely a whisper. "He shot himself. I'm know his parents and he just… shot himself. Said on his note that he couldn't take it anymore. We're next, boy, we're all going to lose our minds and try it again."

Eli couldn't breathe; the whole room was spinning around him… Ronnie, the one who made them all sick with his positive thoughts… the one who always gave them a glare whenever they talked about wanting to kill themselves again…

"I have to go," he blurted, standing up and pushing the chair aside.

"Elijah, sit down," snapped Dr. Berlasky, but Eli shook his head.

"Fuck you," spat Eli. "Fuck you and all this shit, fuck everything."

"Calm down," said one of the patients.

"Ronnie is fucking dead!" yelled Eli, and ran out of the room. He couldn't stop running, his steps echoing in the hallway as he tried to wrap his mind around Ronnie's death. He was next, he knew it, he knew that he would end up killing himself in spite of the efforts of the people around him… he was just too damaged.

He finally got to his car and opened the door quickly, starting the engine almost at once. His heart was pounding and the anxiety was too overwhelming for him to handle. Cold sweat started running down his forehead and he thought of his parents, of his few friends, of Clare…

Eli stepped on the gas and drove away, trying to get away from it all.

_**Clare**_

She couldn't focus on her homework, every single one of her thoughts consisted of Eli. Clare pushed away the laptop and glanced at her phone, aching to call him. She had been miserable without him, even though she knew that the time apart was necessary in order to collect her thoughts and push away her insecurities. It didn't matter; she needed him, and badly.

Clare glanced at the phone again, her heart beating painfully fast, and she closed her eyes, trying to make up her mind. She reached for it, her hand shaking, and all of a sudden it started ringing. She looked at the caller ID and her heart almost exploded with joy as a smile appeared on her face.

"Eli."

"I had to laugh like hell."

"Sorry?"

"_Hocus Pocus_ reference. Vonnegut?"

"Oh yeah, Jack Patton. This is kind of random, Eli."

"You know how Patton witnessed fucked-up shit and would always say 'I had to laugh like hell'?"

Eli's breathing was agitated, and Clare held on to her phone, feeling anxious.

"What's wrong, Eli?"

"Remember Ronnie? The guy at my therapy group?"

"The one you disliked, yeah."

"He wasn't there today. He shot himself. Clare, the happiest man in that stupid group killed himself."

"Eli, calm down."

"I hated him, I really did, but he was some sort of... I don't know, he represented what I could achieve one day and he blew his brains out. He had a wife, kids... He just ended it. Just like that."

Clare sat on her bed; her heart hurting as Eli's breathing became more ragged, trying to think of the right words to say.

"Eli, where are you?"

"I parked somewhere before I lost control of the car. I can't deal with this, I just can't."

"Listen, when you're calm enough to drive, come over, please."

There was silence on the other line, which lasted an eternity, making Clare even more desperate.

"Eli, answer me!"

"I thought that you wanted me away."

"I need you here, right now. Please, Eli."

"Okay."

"My room number is A235. Please, come here and don't go anywhere else."

"I… okay."

"Eli-"

The dial tone made Clare feel frightened, and she wanted to hit herself for not going to him. She didn't really want him to drive in that state, and she hoped that he would listen to her. He sounded so broken and desolate over the phone, and she tried to think of something wise to say to him, but she couldn't. She just sat at the desk, not knowing what else to do, waiting for the time to fly by.

Finally, there was a knock at her door and she stood up quickly, trying to fix her hair. She walked over to the door and opened it quickly, and her heart dropped.

"K.C?" she frowned as her ex-boyfriend pushed her aside to walk in, muttering to himself.

"What are you doing here?" she blurted, closing the door.

"We need to talk," said K.C with urgency in his voice.

"I can't deal with you right now," snapped Clare, and K.C walked over to her, grabbing her by the wrists and kissing her forcefully. Clare pushed him away when she tasted the alcohol in his mouth and slapped him hard across the face, breathing hard.

"What is wrong with you?" she gasped furiously. "What makes you think that you can just come in here and-"

"I love you, Clare," said K.C desperately, running his fingers through his hair.

"Get out of here," said Clare, pointing at the door. "You're drunk and you're saying stupid things."

"Clare… Clare, it's not going to work out with Jenna," pleaded K.C, grabbing Clare by the hand. She pulled her hand away, feeling disgusted.

"You should have thought of that before cheating on me," said Clare heatedly. "I need you to leave, I'm not joking."

"She is talking about marriage and forever but you're the only one I see that happening with. Clare, please, forgive me." K.C looked miserable, his hair disheveled and the pain in his voice was blatantly obvious.

"I've forgiven you," said Clare, feeling sorry for him. "But I will never date you again… you're going to be a parent, so you need to be responsible for your actions and go back to Jenna."

"I don't love her!" exclaimed K.C wretchedly. "I love you, only you. You are the one for me, Clare… please…"

"K.C, I'm seeing someone else now," said Clare, her tone final. "I've moved on… and so should you."

The knock at the door made Clare shiver as she realized that K.C had to leave, and fast. She turned away from him and walked over to the door to open it, just to find Eli standing there, his face very pale.

"Eli," she sighed sweetly as K.C approached them. Eli raised his eyebrows at K.C, looking confused as he glanced back at Clare.

"Who are you?" snapped K.C, which earned a derisive snort from Eli.

"Who are _you_?" retorted Eli, narrowing his eyes.

"Eli, K.C, K.C, Eli," said Clare hastily.

"Ah," said Eli, his eyes flashing with anger. "The ex-boyfriend."

"Who died?" snorted K.C, looking up and down at Eli's black attire.

"Your intelligence, it seems," sneered Eli.

"Smart boy, huh?" sneered K.C. "One would think that wearing such tight jeans would cut some circulation to the brain… unless it harms _other_ areas…"

"It does not," grinned Eli. "Now, _your_ area does cause harm, like, oh I don't know, getting people pregnant at inconvenient times-"

"Guys, please," pleaded Clare, and Eli simply crossed his arms and glared at K.C.

"If you don't mind, I need to talk to Clare," said Eli dryly, his eyes fixed on K.C.

"Well, I'm talking to her right now," said K.C stubbornly. "So, you can go back the funeral and get the fuck out of here."

"No, you were leaving," said Clare. "Please, just leave... Go."

K.C looked at her and Clare noticed a glimpse of sadness in his eyes, but he looked away immediately.

"Fine. We attend the same school, so I'm bound to see you again," said K.C defiantly, glaring at Eli before walking away.

"Stay away!" called Eli after him, not looking at Clare.

Clare watched her ex-boyfriend leave, and then turned to look at Eli, who had an upset expression on his face. "Come in," said Clare shyly.

Eli stepped in and Clare closed the door after them, leaning on it and staring at Eli. He just stood in front of her, looking at his feet and not saying a thing.

"What was he doing in here?" asked Eli after a while.

"He wanted to talk," shrugged Clare. "He said that Jenna isn't making him happy... that he wanted to get back together."

"Oh," said Eli, looking up at her. "I... I see."

"I told him that I'm seeing someone else now," said Clare tentatively, blushing. "He got upset and was about to leave and then you knocked."

"So, you don't want to get back together with him?" asked Eli, stepping closer to her.

"Of course not," said Clare. "I like_ you_."

"Good," said Eli, finally smiling at her.

Clare grabbed his hand and beckoned him to follow her, and they sat on her bed. Their hands intertwined and they just sat in silence, Clare waiting for Eli to talk. He wasn't saying a word, he kept gulping nervously, and Clare leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Confused," said Eli. "Sorry for calling you like that, I was panicking... I know that you wanted some time apart and I just ruined everything."

"No, no," said Clare, placing a hand on Eli's cheek. "I was about to call you, I really wanted to talk to you again."

"Really?" asked Eli hopefully.

"Yes, silly," smiled Clare. "But let's talk about this, about Ronnie. Eli... maybe he was just pretending to be happy in front of all of you... or this moment of darkness was just too much for him..."

"Clare, it's those moments of darkness the ones that made me want to kill myself," said Eli, and Clare rested her head on his shoulder. "I... I just don't know what to think. He left his wife and kids behind just because he couldn't handle life anymore. I don't want that to happen to me, but I don't know if I can stop it... he couldn't."

"You're not Ronnie."

"I don't know anymore."

"Don't say that," pleaded Clare. "Please, I need you to be strong, I need you to be positive… I need you here with me."

"Do you really want me here?" asked Eli desolately.

"For such a smart guy… you sure ask really dumb questions sometimes."

She moved away and let go of Eli's hand, wiping the tears that were running down her cheeks with her sleeve. She felt Eli's arms wrap around her and she looked at him, their faces too close. They both leaned in and kissed, and Clare flung her arms around his neck, pulling him down to the bed with her.

They were lying next to each other, still kissing, and Eli pulled her closer to him. Clare parted her lips and Eli's tongue invaded her mouth, exploring every corner of it knowingly as she ran her fingers through his hair. She responded to the kiss eagerly, pressing her body against his, moaning softly when she felt his hand sliding under the back of her shirt.

"Alli might walk in," she breathed as Eli pulled away, placing his lips on her neck.

"Hey, she was the one who suggested that you should sleep with me," muttered Eli, placing small kisses on her exposed skin. "Too bad."

"What?" blurted Clare, pulling away.

Eli gave her a quizzical look, and a smirk appeared on his face. "The night we kissed, you told me that Alli told you that you should sleep with me, to get over K.C."

"Oh, no, you weren't supposed to know that!" said Clare nervously. "I don't remember saying that, oh no, oh no."

Eli pressed his lips on hers and then pulled away, grinning at her blushing face. "Don't worry. When you told me to come over I wasn't expecting anything else but a nice, happy conversation with you."

Eli's hand moved from her back to her stomach, tracing invisible lines on her skin. "I'm such a mess…" he sighed, kissing her on the cheek. "Especially when you're not around."

"Eli…" gulped Clare.

"Yeah?"

"I need to be honest with you… I'm not ready."

Eli looked at her and their eyes met, Eli's eyes filled with confusion.

"Sorry?"

"I'm not ready... to do that."

"Do _what_, exactly?" smirked Eli.

"Don't be a smart-ass, please."

Eli grinned and removed his hand from under Clare's shirt and tucked a curl behind her ear instead, not taking his eyes off of her.

"Don't worry about it... I understand. "

Clare touched his cheek with her finger, brushing it against his skin slowly. "Really?"

"Yes, I know that you're not that kind of girl," he said, kissing the tip of her nose. "And that's fine; I'll wait until you're ready again. I'm quite content with just kissing you right now."

"I'm glad," she blushed, and Eli kissed her on the lips slowly, making her feel delighted.

"I missed you," said Clare, looking into his eyes. Eli just looked at her and seemed to be struggling with himself, his eyes filled with hesitation. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again, gulping nervously. He looked like a terrified little kid, so vulnerable and lost.

"I..." he gulped again. "I missed you too."


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the Forgive Durden lyrics featured in this chapter. I do own The Violent Scissors, a band I made up for this fic. **

**Author's note: I hope that you like this chapter. Thanks for the reviews, you guys are the best! **

**While I'm not transgender, I do belong to the LGBT community, so I kind of (sort of) understand the kind of struggles Adam has to deal with. I will never completely understand what it must be like to be a transgender, I only know what I've been through because of my sexual orientation, so I can only attempt to do so. Hopefully I did a half-decent job. **

"_These heels, so used to sandy beaches, are now ready for solid ground and rain clouds. These palm trees were never inviting, my watch has stopped. I am dying for stars that line your coast… You are my torture."_

_**No Ace Just You, Forgive Durden**_

_**Days later**_

_**Adam**_

He looked around again, his eyes searching the crowd for a glimpse of Fiona. They had barely exchanged words or texts since their "coffee date," and Adam was starting to get concerned. She seemed to be distant with him, and he wondered if he had done something wrong.

Adam continued to walk, still looking around, and he finally noticed her exiting one of the classrooms hurriedly. He walked quickly, trying to catch up with her, his heart pounding.

"Hey!" he called as he approached her, grabbing her gently by the sleeve. "Where have you been, Fiona?"

Fiona turned around and she looked crestfallen, as if no expecting to see him. "Busy," she said coldly. "Sorry that I haven't been able to hang out, I'm just going through a rough time right now."

"Oh," said Adam, frowning at her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Fiona shook her head, holding her books close to her chest. Adam moved closer to her and tried to smile, but he couldn't help thinking that there was something serious going on.

"At least we have the concert to look forward to," said Adam, trying to make Fiona smile. Fiona looked at him, her expression blank.

"About that… I can't go," she said briskly. "Sorry, Adam."

She walked away from him, leaving Adam standing there in complete disbelief. Fiona was being extremely distant, and he had no idea way.

"Hold on," he snapped, and Fiona stopped walking, not turning to look at him. "Are you avoiding me?"

The hallway was crowded and Adam could feel all eyes on them but he didn't care; he just needed an answer. "Fiona!" he said, feeling how his hands started to sweat with anxiety.

Fiona finally turned around to face him again and Adam was surprised when he noticed the desolation in her eyes. She grabbed him by the hand and dragged him along until they found an empty classroom, and she closed the door after him. She let go of his hand quickly and stayed far away, breaking Adam's heart. Fiona bit her quivering lower lip and her voice broke when she spoke. "I know."

"Huh?" asked Adam in confusion.

Fiona's eyes fixed on his chest and then she looked away, her face very red. Adam felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach, as if someone was stabbing his heart from the inside, and he couldn't breathe.

_She knew. _

"I know about… your _situation_…" started Fiona.

"It's not a situation," said Adam angrily, trying to ignore the sadness that was starting to engulf him. "I'm a transgender. Call it like it is. And I was going to tell you eventually but… Who told you?"

He knew that it was a stupid question, the entire school knew about it, but he wanted to distract himself, he didn't want to think about the painful reality.

"I'm sorry, Adam," she said wretchedly. "I can't be with you." She walked out of the classroom and Adam placed his hands on one of the empty desks, his entire body shaking. In a fit of rage he pushed the desk away, causing it to crash against another desk, and he cussed under his breath. He left the classroom, blind with grief, and then he noticed Fitz and his cronies standing in front of their lockers, laughing about something.

They didn't deserve to be happy, they didn't deserve to be enjoying life while he was being miserable. He had to fix that.

"Idiots!" yelled Adam loudly at the bullies, who turned around to glare at him in contempt.

"What do you want?" snarled Fitz as he approached Adam.

"I want to settle the score," said Adam menacingly. "Meet me outside The Dot. Bring your friends if you want, I don't give a fuck, but let's settle this."

"There is nothing to settle," sneered Fitz. "We kicked your ass that day weeks ago. We're done."

Fitz turned to walk away but Adam grabbed him by the back of his jacket, making the bully turn around to look at him, irritated. "I'm serious, Fitzgerald," said Adam through gritted teeth.

"Okay, freak," said Fitz, shoving him away. "We'll meet after school… bring your tampons."

"Fuck you!" spat Adam as the bullies retreating, laughing loudly at him. He had never felt so angry in his life, so desperate, and he didn't care about anything anymore.

_**Clare**_

"You keep holding your breath, Clare. You're making me nervous."

"_You_ are making me nervous."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?"

Clare moaned as Eli nibbled on her earlobe, his teeth carefully tugging on it. She simply ran her fingers through Eli's hand as they lay on the couch, fully clothed, her legs wrapped tightly around him.

"I'm glad I took the afternoon off," breathed Eli, pressing his lips softly against Clare's cheek. Clare just smiled as Eli's hand slid under her blouse, his touch causing her to shiver. They kissed, their lips moving quickly and passionately, and Clare arched her back when she felt Eli unhook the back of her bra.

She had been in that sort of intimate situations with K.C before, but she had never felt truly comfortable. Eli was so careful, so tentative of every move he made, as if afraid of hurting her.

Clare closed her eyes as Eli's fingertips brushed one of her nipples and a low moan escaped her lips, causing Eli to bury his face in her neck. The sensation of Eli's hands and lips on her skin was driving her crazy, and she started grinding against him, which made Eli stop.

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"No… um…" he cleared his throat. "No need to apologize, really. Do you want me to slow down?"

"No," she said timidly. "I don't."

He smirked at her and kissed her on the lips, his hand caressing her breasts in a more urgent manner. The friction between her legs was making her tremble as Eli pressed himself against her, and she could feel his reaction at once.

"I'm glad I brought a bag," she gasped.

"A what?" he muttered, placing a kiss on her throat.

"I brought a bag… an overnight bag."

Eli looked at her and raised an eyebrow, looking surprised. "You did?"

"Yes," she blushed. "Did you fail to notice the enormous bag I had with me when you picked me up at school?"

Eli chuckled, his hand still under her blouse. "I thought it was like a fashion statement or something."

His hand moved to her stomach, brushing the skin with his fingers gently, and he smiled nervously. "I don't know what to say."

"Well, we'll watch those documentaries you've been talking about first," said Clare, tugging gently on a strand of Eli's hair. "And if I get bored… you might get lucky."

Eli's smirk became more pronounced and he shook his head, chuckling uneasily. "Ah, don't tease me, Edwards."

Clare pulled him closer to her and smiled mischievously, kissing him gently on the lips. "I'm not teasing," she breathed seductively and Eli kissed her again, deepening the kiss at once. Clare slid one of her hands under Eli's shirt, and she felt his stomach contract at her touch.

Eli's cell phone started ringing but he ignored it, groaning against Clare's lips as her hand continued to touch him. He pulled away from her and took his shirt off, which made Clare blush almost immediately. "Can I tell you a funny story?" he asked before attacking her lips again.

"Sure," she said between kisses, her hands caressing Eli's back.

"The other day…" he started, unbuttoning Clare's blouse quickly. "When you visited me at the bookstore…"

The phone rang again, but Eli didn't answer it as he helped Clare remove her blouse, her loose bra still covering her breasts. "Jason came into the office and said…" continued Eli, ignoring his phone and pressing his lips against one spot on Clare's shoulder. "'_Boss, your girlfriend is here_.'"

"What did you say?" asked Clare breathlessly, her heart beating faster at the mention of the word _girlfriend_, and Eli pushed away her bra.

"I said 'cool,'" said Eli simply, and looked at her in the eye. "What do you think?"

"About you saying 'cool'?" mocked Clare, and Eli smiled.

"You know what I mean," said Eli, blinking at her.

"I think that's great… _boyfriend_," said Clare quietly. Eli smirked again and kissed her, their chests pressed against each other's.

The phone rang again and Clare pushed him away gently, smiling regretfully. "You need to answer that," she said.

"No, I don't," grinned Eli, and Clare moaned loudly as she felt his lips on her breasts.

"Eli… maybe it's important…"

"The world could be ending and I could care less."

"Maybe it's your mother."

"Oh god, Clare."

Eli moved away and started chuckling as he stood up, looking around for his phone. "It keeps ringing and I have no idea where it is," he said, sounding frustrated. Clare sat on the couch and covered herself with her bra, feeling slightly self-conscious.

"Oh, there," she said, pointing at one of stacks of magazines Eli left on the floor. Eli picked up his phone from the top and rolled his eyes when it stopped ringing. "Great!" he said sardonically. "Just awesome."

"Are you fighting with an inanimate object?" grinned Clare.

"Ahaha, funny," said Eli, his lips twitching. "Well, it was obviously not that impor-"

The phone rang and Eli answered it fast, closing his eyes as he did so. "Adam, dude… can I call you later-" started Eli, but then stopped talking. He started frowning and his lips parted in shock, and Clare reached for her blouse, putting it on with her eyes still on Eli.

"Dude… hold on… okay… they did what?... yes, I know where it is… calm down, I'm sorry, I'll go pick you up. Just stay there. No, Adam, just stay there. Okay."

Eli hung up and sighed as Clare walked over to him, putting her arms around his waist. "What's wrong?"

"Adam… I have to go pick him up," he said tiredly.

"What happened?" asked Clare.

"I'm not sure… but I have to go. Let me put on my shirt," he said, walking away from her. "Unless you want to stay, I'll just go-"

"No," said Clare vehemently. "I'm coming with you."

_**Eli**_

It was getting dark, and Eli and Clare walked into the alley next to The Dot, looking for the dumpster.

"Adam!"

"Right here." Eli felt heartbroken at the sound of Adam's subdued voice as he saw his friend sitting next to the dumpster, staring at the phone in his hands.

"Come on," said Eli, holding out his hand. Adam took it and Eli helped him stand up, peering anxiously into his friend's eyes.

"What happened?" asked Clare as Adam brushed off some dirt from his clothes.

"My ass got kicked, what else is new," muttered Adam angrily and looked at them.

"Fuck," breathed Eli when he saw the bruises on Adam's face, his busted lip, the blood caked under his nostrils. "Dude, we have to take you to a hospital."

"No, I'm fine," said Adam, shrugging.

"Those assholes beat you up,…" snarled Eli, feeling furious. "You're not fine! I mean, why? What the fuck is wrong with them?"

"_I_ wanted to fight them!" bellowed Adam, and Eli and Clare stepped back. "I was the one who told them to meet me here and fight me! Stop treating me like I'm an innocent little kid!"

"Adam…" started Clare.

"It doesn't matter anymore," said Adam miserably. "Nothing matters anymore. Fiona knows now and she doesn't want me."

"What are you talking about?" asked Eli.

"Fiona knows…" Adam breathed deeply, raindrops starting to fall on them. "Fiona knows that I'm a transgender."

The three of them stood there in silence while the rain started pouring down on them, and Eli was at a loss for words. He had noticed that there was something different about Adam, but he couldn't really define what it was. Some things made sense now, but Eli just stared at his friend who was obviously in pain.

Clare made the first move and walked over to Adam and hugged him, while Eli just patted him on the back.

"Why are you guys still here?" sniffled Adam. "You should be running away like everybody else does when I tell them what I am."

"Because you are our friend," said Eli, smiling weakly at him. "I could care less about what you just said, I care more about the fact that some idiots beat you up. And this little annoying guy told me once… this is what friends are for."

Adam smiled back at him, but the smile was tinged with sadness. "We'll take you home," said Eli, but Adam shook his head.

"Can I stay with you?" he asked rather timidly. "I really don't want my mother yelling at me again… and I don't want to bother Drew."

"Yeah, sure," said Eli quickly, half-glancing at Clare. "I guess I have guests tonight. Should be fun."

"Oh, if you guys were…" Adam seemed horrified. "No, I mean, don't worry about it then…"

"That's fine," smiled Clare. "But let's get out of here before the three of us get sick."

Eli put an arm around Adam's shoulder and they walked out of the alley, the rain getting heavier and heavier, just like Eli's heart.

_**Later**_

"He's in the living room now," said Clare softly, standing under the doorway. Eli was looking outside the sliding glass doors in silence, thinking about everything Adam had been through that day. Clare had helped Adam take a shower, and Eli had heard the sobs coming from inside his bathroom.

"Okay," shrugged Eli, and walked towards Clare. He took her hand in his and gave her a small peck on the cheek before walking out of the bedroom, wanting to offer some sort of comfort to his friend.

Adam was sitting on the couch, staring at the air mattress lying in front of him, a pensive look on his face. Eli sat next to him and both were silent, digesting the slight tension in the air.

"Why did you fight them?" asked Eli.

"I just… I felt so angry," said Adam desolately. "I really like Fiona and she rejected me, just like most people. I just wanted an outlet… it was a stupid decision."

"I don't understand how they could beat you up… like this," said Eli, glancing at Adam's swollen eye.

"Why? Because I'm a girl in their eyes?" snapped Adam. "Is that what you're thinking?"

"No," said Eli sincerely. "Because you are a person and nobody should have to go through this."

Adam just stared at Eli, his chest rising with every deep breath he took. "Sorry… I didn't mean to snap at you."

"Don't worry about it," said Eli, patting him on the arm. "We usually snap at people we like in moments such as these."

Eli smiled as he remembered the day Clare visited him at the hospital, just after his suicide attempt. Her presence had made him feel bitter, and the resentment consumed all his emotions. He knew how Adam felt in a way, and he knew that no words would make his friend feel better, but he wanted to let him know that everything would be okay.

"Are you cool with this?" asked Adam fearfully. "With me being the way I am?"

"You mean with you being an impulsive idiot?" smirked Eli. "No, I really disapprove of it."

Adam chuckled as he pushed the wet hair off his forehead. "People usually freak out, you know? They like me all right, but as soon as I tell them…. I notice how different they look at me, I can almost hear the questions going through their heads but they never ask. They don't really want to know anything, it's like ignorance is bliss. I didn't ask to be born this way, you know. If I could choose not to be this way, I would. Not because I'm ashamed of it or because according to society this is not 'natural'… I would change everything because I wouldn't have to go through all this pain, every day. Even my own family wants me to change who I am, except Drew, like… I can see the look in my parents' face every morning, wondering when they're going to get their little Gracie back. I'm not her, I never was… but she's like a ghost I will never get rid of."

Eli hesitated for a split second before giving Adam a hug, and the younger boy broke down, stifling his sobs on Eli's shoulder. "Sorry," mumbled Adam as he pulled away slowly.

"You're my friend, Adam," said Eli, looking at him. "That hasn't changed, okay? I'm not the best person in the world, but I'm not going anywhere... You're one of the coolest guys I have ever met."

Adam gave him a small smile and nodded, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

"And Fiona will come around," said Eli encouragingly. "I have the feeling that she will."

"Look at you, being all positive," mocked Adam. "Clare is a good influence for you… don't mess it up."

"I won't," said Eli. "Are you sure you don't want to stay in my bedroom? Clare and I can take the air mattress-"

"Nah, I will be fine," said Adam, and then yawned. "I'm tired, man. Go back to your lady… and I will be listening to music in case something happens, if you know what I mean."

Eli laughed as Adam winked knowingly at him, and patted him on the arm again. "Okay, good night," grinned Eli.

He left Adam in the living room and walked to his bedroom, still thinking of Adam's words. _"Clare is a good influence for you… don't mess it up."_

He leaned on the doorway and stared at Clare, who was sitting on his bed, already wearing her pajamas and reading a book. She looked up and smiled at him as he closed the door after him and approached the bed.

"Well, I could get used to this sight," he said, sitting next to her. Clare put her book away and kissed him softly, her lips moving very gently on his.

"What happened?" asked Clare.

"He's really sad right now but I think that he will be okay," said Eli, laying down. Clare followed him and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his chest.

"He looked so tiny when I was helping him… all those bruises on his back," said Clare sadly. "I felt so angry at those guys for being so brutal… I don't know. And Fiona, oh, that girl. If I ever meet her-"

"I like angry Clare," grinned Eli. "But yeah, I know what you mean."

Eli kissed her on the forehead and sighed. "I'm sorry that we didn't get to watch the documentaries."

"Well, it was an emergency," admitted Clare. "And I'm sorry too. I really wanted to… watch them."

"It's okay, we will eventually," said Eli, pulling her closer to him. "I guess it wasn't the right time."

"I really want to, you know?"

"I know… Me too."

"Just to make sure… we're not really talking about the documentaries, are we, Eli?"

"No," chuckled Eli.

Clare sighed again and Eli started to close his eyes, feeling exhausted.

"I'm still mad at those guys," said Clare suddenly. "Life is not fair sometimes."

Eli thought of the beautiful girl in his arms, the way she blindly believed in him even though he was a complete mess, how he didn't deserve her at all. Clare deserved someone better and yet there she was, holding on to him as if he was the only man she wanted to be with. He was so afraid of pushing her away with his insecurities, every day he expected her to run away and never look back. He really liked her, but he felt that life wasn't being fair to Clare, giving her a lousy boyfriend who was going nowhere in life.

"No… it's not. Not fair at all."


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the Fun. lyrics included in this chapter. I _do_ own The Violent Scissors, their lyrics, etc etc. I made up this band exclusively for this fic. That's all.**

**Author's note: This chapter is in Eli's POV… I always planned it this way, thought of changing it while writing it, but stuck to my original plan. I'm a true music junkie, so I tried to write this chapter as fun as possible… and hopefully you will like it. My inspiration for the venue was the Granada Theater in Dallas, my favorite venue… so look it up! Thank you so much for reading! **

**Credit to rebeccaleon at twitter for suggesting the name for the Fortnight actor. Wink wink to ZephyrHearts too. **

"_You look for a legend, I'm looking for common ground. Your heart isn't breaking, and mine isn't making a sound."_

_**Light A Roman Candle With Me, Fun.**_

_**Days later**_

"_What are you doing here?"_

_The wind was blowing and Eli squinted, trying to look at Julia. She was standing in the middle of the railroads, her dark hair very messy, clutching a book in her hands. _

"_Julia," he breathed, his words lost in the wind. He walked over to her, wanting to touch her to see if she was in fact, real. Eli touched Julia's cheek tentatively, feeling surprised at the warmth of her skin._

"_What are you doing here?" repeated Julia as their eyes met. _

"_I have no idea," said Eli honestly. _

"_Do you still want to jump?" she asked, her voice suddenly loud and clear. _

"_I… maybe." Eli glanced at the water below and shivered, remembering the day he tried to kill himself._

"_You're forgetting about me, Eli," said Julia, grabbing his hand. "You're happy now, and you're forgetting about me."_

_Julia's eyes were filled with anger and rage, and Eli let go of her hand, stepping back. "I'm not… I do remember you…"_

"_We were supposed to be together!" cried Julia. "You were supposed to die that day, but she had to ruin everything!" _

"_Julia, no…"_

"_Eli!"_

_Eli looked up to see Clare standing at the other side of the tracks, extending her hand to him. Her cheeks were red and she seemed to be shaking as the wind got stronger, and Eli didn't know what to do. _

"_Jump!" yelled Julia._

"_Take my hand!" called Clare. _

"_She doesn't need you… you are just a burden to her…" said Julia quietly. "You know that I'm right."_

_Eli walked over to the edge of the tracks, breathing erratically as he stared at the strong river below. _

"_Eli, no!" yelled Clare desperately. _

"_Jump… Eli…" continued Julia. "Jump and all the pain will disappear… Clare will be free and you can come back to me…"_

_Eli closed his eyes and felt a couple of hands push him off the tracks, and he was falling…. Falling…_

"Boss!"

Eli opened his eyes quickly and realized that he had fallen asleep at his desk, filling out some invoices. He looked over at Jason, who was standing at the doorway with a concerned look on his face.

"Um… it's almost five," said Jason sheepishly. "Your shift ended an hour ago, but I didn't want to wake you up."

"Fuck, I forgot about the concert," muttered Eli, rubbing his eyes. "Thanks, Jason. I guess I'll meet you there. Did I give you your tickets?"

"Yeah," grinned Jason. "My brother is so excited about it, he's a bigger fan than I am. Thanks again so much, boss."

"No problem," shrugged Eli. "Okay, I have to go and pick up Clare…"

_She doesn't need you… you're just a burden to her…_

Soon enough he was in his car, and as he tried to recall how he got there, he noticed that he couldn't remember a thing. Eli drove, the Julia/Clare nightmare still haunting him. He thought that those nightmares had stopped, but they were back, making him feel desperate and anxious.

Julia would never say those things, thought Eli. She was very understanding and kind, and Julia would never hurt him like that. And he hadn't forgotten about her…

_Lies, Eli,_ a voice in the back of his mind said. _You haven't given her a thought since you started dating Clare. You forget quite easily, don't you?_

A blurry figure appeared in front of him and he slammed the brakes, a small gasp escaping his lips.

"Watch it, you asshole!" Eli blinked and saw that he had almost hit a teenage boy, and the boy punched the hood of his car, looking irate.

"S-sorry," muttered Eli as the boy walked away, and he grabbed the steering wheel, trying to calm down. He had been avoiding the therapy group since the breakdown he had after Ronnie's death, concealing the information from his parents and Clare. Adam knew, but had agreed to remain silent after Eli explained why he couldn't go back.

People in that group were slightly crazy, but he was the worst of them. And then he thought of Clare.

Whenever Clare stayed over and fell asleep, he would stare at her, at her closed eyes, at the peace she irradiated. And he would feel terrified of what he was starting to feel for her, his need for her was too great. It wasn't a physical dependency (after all, they hadn't slept together yet), it was more of an emotional yearning.

Every time she left, he felt his heart panic, his lungs collapsing, but he didn't say a word to her about it. He would just push her away if he did; his overzealous necessity would break them apart.

He just kept everything bottled up, even if it was demolishing his mind.

_**Later**_

Eli knocked on the door and looked around, glancing at the students who were walking by. They were all holding their books and chattering excitedly, and a blonde, pregnant girl walking by winked at him.

"I like your skinny jeans!" she called flirtatiously, making the friend who was walking along with her start to giggle.

"I like your fetus!" called Eli back, and the girls continued to laugh all the way down the hallway.

"You." The door was already open and Alli was glaring at him, and grabbed him by the collar of his jacket, pulling him in. Alli was already dressed for the concert, making Eli feel shabby as he looked down at his faded Dead Hand t-shirt and black skinny jeans.

"Nice to see you too, Alli," blurted Eli sardonically as the girl closed the door after them.

"My best friend keeps looking at herself in the mirror, telling herself that she looks like a mess," snapped Alli. "This is all your fault."

"My fault because…"

"Because we are going to a rock concert, Clare has never been to one, and you already look like a rock star so of course she's intimidated and well what if you meet some whores there and those are her words, not mine but-"

"Okay, you need to breathe," chuckled Eli. "And where is my girlfriend?"

"Bathroom," said Alli briskly before storming off and sitting on her bed. "Also, isn't it like a cardinal sin to wear another band's t-shirt to a concert?"

"Hush," said Eli, and knocked on the bathroom door. "Clare?"

"Eli?"

"No, it's the guy from the Fortnight movies. I'm brooding for you, so please open the door so you can admire my sparkling body and dashing good looks."

The door opened slowly and Clare was grinning at him, her face very red. Eli just stared in awe at her; taking in how beautiful she looked. There was something different about her hair, and her eye makeup made her blue eyes look even more intense.

"Alli… Alli helped," she said shyly, and Eli forgot that Clare's best friend was in the room and kissed her fiercely, his arms wrapped tightly around her.

"Whoa! At least wait until I get out of the room!" squealed Alli, throwing a magazine at them.

"Wow," said Clare breathlessly as Eli pulled away. "Hi, Eli."

"Hello, Clare," he grinned. "How are you?"

"Oh, you know," shrugged Clare playfully. "Disappointed because I was expecting Samuel Notte but I got you instead."

"My feelings are so hurt right now," groaned Eli, kissing her on the cheek. "My heart just broke because I'm not Samuel Notte… and who the hell is that?"

"The guy from Fortnight!" teased Clare, shoving him away gently.

"He has an actual name?" smirked Eli. "And you know it? Okay, I'm officially jealous."

"And I'm officially nauseous," mocked Alli from afar. "When are you guys leaving?"

"Ouch, she's kicking us out," smiled Clare as she walked over to her bed, grabbing the bag on top of it. "And she's supposed to be my best friend."

"I smell betrayal," said Eli, mockingly hurt.

"Well, aren't you two hilarious," said Alli sneeringly. "I'm waiting for Drew to pick me up… I guess I'll see you at the venue? And why are you taking that huge bag with you?"

Eli glanced at Clare and smirked at her face, which seemed to turn a hundred shades of red. "Um… because I was planning to stay at Eli's after the concert…" she said bashfully.

"She didn't even ask me if I was okay with it," teased Eli, winking at Alli. "Clare Edwards, always planning things without letting me know first."

"It's not that!" choked Clare. "I just figured that Drew would want to come back here… I don't know…"

"She is _so_ considerate!" sighed Alli sarcastically. "Such a good friend."

Eli laughed and Clare crossed her arms, still holding her bag, and pouted. Eli put an arm around Clare's shoulder and kissed her temple, still smirking at the whole situation.

"You two suck," said Clare, sticking out her tongue at them.

_**Later**_

"Awesome. Everybody brought a date to this show, and I'm like the seventh wheel or something," complained Adam as they waited in line to enter the venue.

"Um… Jason brought his brother," said Eli, raising an eyebrow as he pointed at the two teenagers standing behind them.

Jason's brother was the complete opposite of the bookstore employee: Jason had long, stringy, dirty blonde hair and an overall look of cluelessness. Jason's brother, Jaden, was glaring at all of them, his eyes laden with eyeliner. Jaden fixed his purple mohawk obsessively every five minutes and Eli tried hard not to roll his eyes at the teen.

"Are you implying that I'm in a incestuous relationship with my adorable 16 year-old brother?" drawled Jason.

"Gross," muttered Jaden.

"No!" panicked Adam. "I mean… no, no, not at all!"

"It sure sounded like it," said Drew, his arm around Alli's waist.

"Illegal activity right here," sighed Eli, and Adam blushed.

"So, looking forward to this concert huh?" chimed in Clare, and Adam looked at her gratefully.

"Been a fan of Devon Zephyr for a long time," said Jaden conceitedly. "I have all his solo work, and of course, all The Violent Scissors' albums and EPs, and-"

"Slow down," groaned Jason, shooting a menacing look at his brother. "Don't get him started on this. I swear that if he could fuck Devon Zephyr he would."

Everybody started laughing as Jaden looked away, an embarrassed look on his face. "Well, I admire him," mumbled Jaden.

"He's a decent singer," admitted Eli as the line started moving.

"Thanks again for the tickets," said Drew. "Your dad is awesome, man."

"Every now and then," grinned Eli, clutching Clare's hand. "And no problem, I'm glad that all of you could make it."

"Are you kidding me? We get to see an extremely hot guy and his band," giggled Alli. "Devon is really so, so cute! Right, Clare?"

Eli turned to look at Clare, and smiled when he saw her blushing. "He… yeah… kind of," she said nervously.

"Clare, don't deny it, we were both squealing when we googled him the other night," taunted Alli. "All those shirtless pictures…"

"Whoa, whoa!" exclaimed Drew. "You guys were googling this dude the other night? Should I be concerned? Do I need to take your laptops away?"

Alli and Clare started giggling hysterically as Drew clenched his fists, attempting to appear upset. "Drew, we should definitely take their laptops away," nodded Eli, earning a playful slap on the arm by Clare.

"Neanderthals, trying to control their women," mocked Adam as they entered the venue. "Wow, this place is tiny."

"But it is one of the best," explained Eli. "The sound in here is amazing! Plus, we can buy some drinks."

"Great! Something else I'll feel left out on," sulked Adam.

"Well, aren't we Mr. Cheerful Pants today?" said Drew. "I'll let you drink from my cup if it's such a big deal-"

Adam shook his head and Eli could tell that his friend wasn't feeling well, so he let go of Clare's hand, giving her a meaningful look. "You guys go find a place to stand," he muttered into Clare's ear. "I have to talk to Adam."

Clare nodded and Eli grabbed Adam by the sleeve, pulling him away from the rest of the group.

"What?" snapped Adam.

"Dude, what's wrong?" asked Eli cautiously. "Are you still mad about Fiona?"

"It's just…" sighed Adam. "I had been looking forward to this concert, not just because of the band but because Fiona… I mean, we would be here, together. And now I look at you and Clare, at Drew and Alli… and I feel stupid."

"I understand," said Eli, placing a hand on Adam's shoulder. "But you love this band, don't let Fiona's stupid decisions stand in the way of you having a good time. Just forget about all the drama tonight… tomorrow you can sulk and angst and all that fun stuff you love to do."

Adam just looked at him, not saying a word, and then a smile started appearing on his lips. "Sulk and angst?" retorted Adam. "Please, dude, I'm not you."

Eli merely chuckled; he was glad to see the reappearance of his friend's usual self.

_**Later**_

"Oh my God. He's so hot."

"He's not wearing a shirt underneath that vest, Alli. Why?"

"I don't know, Clare, but just look at him."

All the guys rolled their eyes as Alli and Clare fawned over Devon Zephyr, who had just walked on stage, smiling widely.

"Can you guys stop fangirling and let us listen to the music?" protested Adam.

Alli and Clare exchanged looks and laughed, and then continued to stare at Devon. Eli had never seen Clare so excited about something, and the sight amused him.

"What's up?" Devon yelled into the microphone as the crowd started roaring with delight. Eli felt slightly suffocated by the people surrounding him, and kept glancing at Clare, making sure not to lose sight of her.

"Are you fucking ready?" said Devon loudly, causing the girls to scream. He ran his fingers through his dirty-looking brown hair, a malicious smile on his lips.

"_Hey, stop praying to that god of yours and praise me instead_," roared Devon. "_I'm not a miracle source, I'm not a saint, but if you hold your breath, I can save you!_"

Everybody started singing along, the sad incidents of the previous week (months) forgotten for an instant. Real-life didn't matter anymore; all of them were caught in a blissful, rebellious moment, with the energy surrounding them making them stronger in a way.

After a few more songs, Eli couldn't deny it; the concert was, so far, amazing. Part of him wanted to stop paying attention to the band and just focus on Clare, who was dancing and jumping up and down, looking like she was having a great time. He had been struggling with his feelings, but he knew that he was falling for her. The realization of that didn't help with the utter terror he felt, but at least he could point out the source of his irrational fears.

He didn't want to lose her, ever.

The band finished playing one of the songs and Clare winked at him, and Eli smiled back as Adam patted him hard on the back. "Dude! This is fucking incredible!" bellowed Adam. Eli just shook his head warily and continued to look over at Clare, who was leaning towards Alli, whispering excitedly in her friend's ear.

"This song is dedicated to those of you who are in love…" said Devon, trailing off. "Or are in the process of falling in love. Or just fucking, whatever you guys call it nowadays."

Eli tensed up at once as he recognized the chords, and he could feel Adam's eyes on him as the song that reminded him of Clare started playing.

"_It's that girl with the blue eyes, the one that I'm afraid of touch_," sang Devon, pointing his hand at the crowd. "_If I blink I fear that she will disappear, my heart just can't handle that much. Yes, my innocent lover, I'm talking about you. It's always only you._"

Eli glanced at Clare, who was staring intently at the band, apparently delighted. Eli reached for her hand and slipped his fingers between hers, and Clare turned to look at him, a tender smile on her face.

"_If I tell you that I love you tonight, if I tell you that if you leave I might lose my mind…_" the singer crooned, the acoustic guitar sending shivers down Eli's spine. "_Would you stay anyway? Would you save me with your touch?_"

Clare stared at Eli curiously, as if expecting him to do something. The words were ringing in Eli's ears, the soft melody almost pushing him forward, pushing him to make a move.

"_Tell me, would you stay? Would you stay?_" pleaded Devon, his voice raspy and broken. "_Even if the darkness becomes too much to bear?_"

The tempo of the song increased, and so did Eli's heartbeat as he moved closer to Clare, ignoring the rest of the crowd. He leaned in and when their lips brushed, Devon started screaming into the microphone.

"_But if you do leave me, just make sure that you leave your smile behind_," sang Devon. " _So I can keep it forever and make it a nightlight, so I can keep it forever, so I can stay alive_."

Eli kissed Clare and pulled her closer as Clare put her arms around his neck. They were swaying on the spot, holding each other close as the song progressed. He recalled briefly when he went to a concert with Julia, when they were still just friends, and how they had made fun of the couples that were making out.

The music started slowing down again, but Eli didn't let go of Clare, even though his head was starting to ache from the lack of oxygen.

"_But just in case you're wondering…_" muttered Devon sorrowfully. "_I would rather have you stay… just stay…_"

The song ended as Eli moved away and rested his forehead on Clare's, breathing deeply. The applause and cheers were deafening, but Clare was the only thing he could see, and he knew that he was in love.

_**Later**_

"My ears are still ringing!" giggled Clare as they stumbled into Eli's apartment, their arms wrapped around each other. Eli closed the door and pressed Clare against it, his lips moving rapidly on hers. He moved to his girlfriend's neck, enjoying the sound of Clare's moans.

"You're a good dancer," muttered Eli, pecking on her cheek. "You should do it more often."

"I only dance in front of incredibly good-looking rock stars," gasped Clare as Eli slid one of his hands under her t-shirt.

"You just love breaking my heart, don't you," breathed Eli. Clare put a hand on his chest, just where his heart was located, and Eli felt that the rapid beating betraying him.

"I would never want to do that," said Clare quietly, and Eli knew that she wasn't bickering with him anymore, that she was being sincere.

"You won't," said Eli in utmost sincerity. "I know that you won't."

Clare kissed him in a way she had never kissed him before, her kiss full of passion and lust, and she pulled her closer to him. They continued kissing and walking rather haphazardly as they tried to reach his bedroom, and Eli started to feel nervous as they lay on his bed, her body on top of his. Clare cupped his face with her hands and kissed him, and Eli rested his hands on the small of her back, tugging on her shirt. Clare started sucking gently on his neck and he groaned, wanting more of her.

"So… about those documentaries…" said Eli slyly, and Clare pulled away, blushing.

"Um… yeah…" said Clare, caressing his face. "I think I want to watch them now."

Eli grinned at her and kissed her again as he flipped them over, their tongues fighting for dominance as they kissed. He started undoing the button on Clare's jeans, and as he started to unzip them he felt how Clare startled trembling underneath him.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm just scared."

"About this? We don't have to… I mean…"

"I'm scared about what it represents, Eli," she said, looking into his eyes, her face filled with hesitation. "This is important to me… and I'm just talking too much."

"Clare, I really like you," said Eli, brushing her arm with his hand. "And I know… I know how much this means to you. And it means a lot to me too."

Clare's expression completely changed and she smiled at him, making his heart flutter. He didn't even notice when their clothes were discarded on the floor, he just knew that he wanted her more than ever; he just wanted _her_, desperately.

He kissed every spot on Clare's bare skin, wanting to erase the memories of K.C's touch from her body. His insides burned with jealousy when he thought of the jerk touching her while he was probably thinking about his dumb, pregnant lover.

He dug his fingers in her hips, as if trying to leave a mark, and Clare moaned loudly as he bit her gently on the neck. He then kissed the bite mark, ashamed of causing a blemish on her pale skin, and kissed her on the lips.

"_Eli…_" whispered Clare as he went back to her neck, then her collarbone, his lips moving teasingly slow. The way she whispered his name turned him on even more, and he knew that he couldn't wait any longer.

They had discussed sex before, and Eli felt suddenly grateful that Clare was on birth control; he didn't want to leave the bed at all. He pushed into her and Clare gasped as he started to move slowly, not wanting to rush things. Clare's hands were all over his back, her touch feeling like fire as he increased his pace, crushing his lips on hers.

Clare whimpered against his lips, her fingernails digging painfully into Eli's back as he moved faster, not able to control himself. He kept kissing Clare fervently even as her body started shaking, her moans getting louder, her grip on his back getting tighter. He let go as well just a few seconds later, gasping for breath as he collapsed on top of her. He kissed her on the lips again, but slower and in a gentler manner as he tried to regain control of his body.

He was shaking as the enormity of what had just happened hit him. There was no turning back; Clare had given everything to him, trusting him like she always did. He touched Clare's bare skin with his fingertips, tracing lines on her body, and she just looked at him with a shy smile on her face.

They didn't speak for a while, and then Eli pulled the covers on them, hiding underneath them. Clare started laughing as Eli's arms closed around her, pulling her closer to him. They lay under the covers, just holding each other.

"You're beautiful," said Eli, kissing Clare on the cheek.

"You can't see me under the covers, so you are a liar," retorted Clare. She kissed him on the lips, her lips lingering on his just for a brief second. "I'm still scared, Eli," she said as she pulled away. "I'm scared of this… of how I feel about you."

"Would it help if I told you that I'm terrified?" confessed Eli. "I'm terrified of being here with you, of having you stare at me with your usual compassion… I'm just so afraid of fucking everything up."

"Maybe we should stop being such scaredy cats and start enjoying… this…" said Clare, pressing her lips on Eli's shoulder. "Whatever this is."

"Scaredy cats?" snorted Eli. "Your choice of words always amuses me, Edwards."

"Word snob," chuckled Clare.

"Can't help it," said Eli. "Although… what are we going to tell people when they ask how we met? That should be an interesting story."

Clare remained silent and just brushed her nose against his cheek, and Eli closed his eyes, enjoying the intimacy they were sharing.

"I know what to tell them, Eli."

"Do tell, Clare."

Clare drew breath, and Eli could almost see her smile in the dark, the way her eyes shined with exhilaration whenever she was about to say something important to him.

"It's quite simple. We were swimming."


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do now own Degrassi or the lyrics featured at the beginning of this chapter.**

**Author's note: Wow, you guys are just amazing! Thanks for the reviews. Also, yes, the Violent Scissors' songs are just random lyrics that I wrote. I'm glad you liked them! The questionnaire featured at the end of this chapter, I actually found it in a magazine and I was like OH, IDEA! Hahaha. Do not judge me... too much. :P**

**This chapter (hell, this story) is dedicated to Meg because she is fucking amazing and has supported my stories from the beginning. Love you.**

**Special note: Credit to eclarerocks for recommending the song for this chapter... I am addicted! Thanks, love! **

"_You're so much different than me, yeah, I know. And I'm my only enemy, pain is all I can see. I see you're climbing a tree and I know that it's easier to be high up in the air than on the ground... and it's love, etc." _

_**Is This Love?, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah **_

_**Clare**_

The sunlight coming in through the glass doors started to burn Clare's eyelids and she opened her eyes, blinking dazedly. The memories from the previous night invaded her mind and she felt all warm inside, blushing. She smiled at the sight of Eli sleeping next to her, his mouth slightly open, and she kissed him softly on the cheek.

Eli's eyelashes fluttered and he licked his lips, groaning sleepily. "What time is it?" he muttered and Clare kissed him on the cheek again.

"I have no idea... but I think that I'm going to be late for church," she said sheepishly.

"Right," Eli said, opening his eyes slowly. "I forgot that today's Sunday."

Eli flipped over so he could face Clare, and he smiled widely at her. "Good morning," he said, blushing slightly. Clare touched his red cheek with her hand and smiled back, feeling butterflies in her stomach.

"Hello," she said and Eli leaned in to kiss her.

"Sorry about the breath," he muttered.

"You're all right," said Clare quietly, and kissed him again. It didn't take Eli long to start kissing Clare's neck, his hands sliding under the oversized t-shirt she was wearing. She wasn't wearing a bra, and Eli's touch made her moan instantly.

"I have to go to Mass..." she said feebly as Eli sucked gently on her neck. "My mother will notice if I'm not there."

"Skip it and stay with me," said Eli hurriedly as he helped Clare remove her t-shirt. "I'm sure you've done it before."

"I've never missed Mass... ever," chuckled Clare before Eli kissed her on the lips again. She parted her lips and Eli's tongue slid into her mouth, the kiss quickly intensifying. She tugged on Eli's boxers and he chuckled, pulling away.

"Will you stay, then?" he asked, his eyes pleading.

Clare looked at him, at his messy hair, at the way his green eyes were shining with utter adoration, and she couldn't say no. She liked him too much. She noticed that the way her heart started beating whenever she looked at him was way different than when she dated K.C. Liking Eli was chaotic but wonderful; painful but delightful, and Clare turned into a complete mess whenever they kissed.

Clare leaned in and kissed the corner of Eli's lips, her hands pressed against his bare chest. She touched his skin with her fingers tentatively, almost afraid that if she touched him he would disappear... just like K.C. did, in a way. Their eyes met again and Clare told herself that Eli wasn't K.C, that he wouldn't abandon her like her ex-boyfriend did.

"You're a horrible, terrible, bad bad influence," giggled Clare, and pressed her body against Eli, kissing him again.

His teeth tugged gently on Clare's lower lip as his fingers dug into her waist, causing Clare to sigh raptourously.

"I am... but just on Sundays."

_**Adam**_

Adam walked into the Dot, feeling exhausted from the night before. He had a blast at the concert, but he missed Fiona during the entire thing. He felt pathetic, still thinking of the girl that obviously didn't want anything to do with him. He walked over to the counter and ordered his coffee, wondering what to do. It was a Sunday, and he knew that Eli didn't work at the bookstore on Sundays, Drew was probably busy with Alli and...

_Maybe you should give Fitz a call, _he thought bitterly, drumming his fingers on the counter. He glanced around the coffee shop, and his heart stopped when he saw Fiona sitting by the window with another man.

The man looked slightly older than Fiona, and he was wearing an expensive-looking suit. Adam hated him at once, and his eyes fixed on Fiona, who was just smiling at the guy. Adam had felt jealous before, but nothing like the emotion that was consuming him. He wanted to walk over to them and pour his hot coffee on the suit-wearing dude and yell at Fiona and...

Fiona looked up and the world stopped for Adam as their eyes met, the sounds in the coffee shop suddenly non-existent. He breathed deeply as Fiona blushed, but she didn't look away, she merely gave him an awkward smile.

"Dude." The server tapped him on the shoulder and handed Adam his coffee, an impatient look on his face. Adam mumbled and handed him the money, trying to get out of there as fast as humanly possible. He approached the door in a hurry, listening to Fiona's high heels come closer to him, and he closed his eyes as his hand touched the door.

"Adam," she said, her voice sounding like the most beautiful song to Adam, and he reluctantly looked at her.

"I don't want to interrupt your rendezvous with the well-groomed dude," snapped Adam coldly. "Go ahead and talk about... suits... hair... whatever you guys talk about."

"As much as I enjoyed your weird display of jealousy... I want you to stay," sighed Fiona. "Please."

Fiona reached for his hand and Adam followed her without protesting, just glad that they were on speaking terms again. They approached the table and both sat down, with Adam glaring at the guy.

"Cliff, I'm afraid that we'll have to finish our meeting some other time," said Fiona politely. "I must discuss some important matters with my friend."

_Friend, _thought Adam despairingly. _Friend, friend, friend. Well, of course. You haven't had a proper kiss, of course. Of course. _

"All right, Miss Coyne," said Cliff in the same polite tone, which puzzled Adam. "Call me some time next week and we can finish talking about the procedures."

"Sounds lovely," smiled Fiona, and shook the man's hand. Cliff nodded towards Adam and walked away, and Adam couldn't look at Fiona.

"I thought you were..." swallowed Adam. "Never mind."

"On a date?" asked Fiona directly. "No, Adam. That's my lawyer."

Adam raised his eyebrows and just stared at her. "Lawyer? Are you in trouble?"

Fiona let out a nervous chuckle and shook her head, her hands clutching her mug tightly. She bit her lower lip, and Adam noticed a tear starting to roll down Fiona's cheek. He wiped it off with the sleeve of his sweater and she looked at him gratefully, and Adam forgot about all the pain she had caused him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Adam.

"Do you really want to know? I was horrible to you, after all."

Adam snorted and sat back, his hands on the table. "People are horrible to me all the time, Fiona Coyne. I'm used to it."

Fiona drew breath, and Adam leaned in to listen. "I transferred to Degrassi because of a certain incident that happened at my old school. I met this guy, Bobby, and he was... just amazing. Everything I wanted in a guy, yeah, that was Bobby. He was a little possessive and overprotective but I fell in love with him, and looked through all his flaws. One day I arrived late to his house after going to a doctor's appointment, and he lost it. He called me a whore and said that I was cheating on him. I yelled back at him and he..." Fiona's voice cracked and Adam reached across the table to hold her hand. "He slapped me and then pushed me against the wall... It was surreal. I vowed to break up with him but he apologized and I just... I forgave him. Over and over. The last straw was when we went to a party and we went back to his place, and he wanted to have sex. I didn't want to, and he hit me hard across the face and tried to rape me."

Fiona clutched Adam's hand tightly and smiled at him. "That's why I went to New York a few weeks ago. To press charges against him. It's probably going nowhere because it's been a while and I don't have a lot of physical evidence left. I just wanted to do something, to show him that I'm not afraid of him anymore. I didn't want to tell you because I thought you were going to run away, that you wouldn't want to be with a damaged girl."

Their hands intertwined on top of the table, but Adam couldn't speak. He wanted to kill Bobby, the guy who had dared to hurt Fiona so much, even if he didn't know him in person. Just seeing Fiona so vulnerable made him feel rage like he never had before, and he sighed in frustration as he caressed Fiona's hand with his thumb.

"And then, when I was ready to tell you, this girl..." Fiona squinted, trying to remember. "Bianca. Yes, that was her name, I think. She told me about you being a transgender, how you got sent away for months because your parents thought you were going through a phase... the fight with your brother..."

"Well, people are very well informed about my personal life," said Adam scathingly. "But how is my story relevant to this?"

"That's why I told you I couldn't be with you," said Fiona simply. "Adam, I don't care if you're the way you are. You're the best guy I've ever met, you're funny, cute, and like the same music I like. But you've had a hard life and I would just be a burden to you. You deserve a happy, cheerful girl who will make your life better, not worse."

"No offense, Fiona, but that was a really stupid reason," chuckled Adam, and Fiona looked at him curiously. "You should have told me! I thought that you hated me, I was moping around after that and..."

Adam just kissed her in front of everyone, his lips moving fast on hers. Fiona placed a hand on the back of his head and pulled him closer as they both deepened the kiss. Adam heard some people clearing their throats in the background and he pulled away slowly, grinning.

"You're the girl I want, Fiona," said Adam, blushing. "I'm just going to risk it and ask you to be my girlfriend, because I feel miserable whenever you're not around. I like hanging out with my friends, but you make me feel like... you make me feel like I'm worthwhile."

Fiona kissed him swiftly on the lips and nodded. "Okay," she said. "I really want to be with you, Adam Torres. Are you ready to enter my roller coaster life?"

"Sign me up for the ride," said Adam, his mouth twitching, and kissed Fiona again.

_**Eli**_

"What are you reading?" asked Eli as he sat on the couch next to Clare, his hair still wet from the shower. Clare held up the magazine and smiled nervously, seemingly embarrassed.

"Alli let me borrow it," explained Clare.

"Ah, using excuses, Edwards," said Eli, moving closer to her. "Admit it. You enjoy reading girly magazines every now and then."

"Will that make you think less of me, Goldsworthy?" mocked Clare, and Eli kissed her on the forehead.

"Of course! I will read from my Palahniuk novel and judge you with my snobby eyes," said Eli haughtily. Clare kissed him, the kiss slow and almost chaste, and Eli sighed as Clare moved away.

"I was actually filling out one of these fun questionnaires they usually have in these magazines," she said playfully, tapping Eli's nose with a pen. "Be careful, you might get a bad grade for being such a snarky boyfriend."

"I'm curious now," said Eli, quickly taking the magazine away from Clare. Clare squealed and tried to get the magazine back, but Eli was looking through the magazine, trying to find the questionnaire.

"Aha!" said Eli brightly, and started reading. "_Rate the following in order of sexiness_. This should be extremely interesting."

"Elijah Goldsworthy, give me that magazine back!" protested Clare, tugging on the sleeve of Eli's t-shirt.

"Mmm, you called me by my full name, that is a turn-on," he smirked, trying to push Clare away. "Okay, let me read this, Edwards!"

Clare crossed her arms and pouted, mockingly miserable. "You're just going to make fun of me."

Eli chuckled and looked at the questions, his heart racing. "_Smoking a cigarette_... 5 out of 10?" gasped Eli in mock hurt. "You don't find my smoking attractive?"

"Lung cancer is very sexy, yes," retorted Clare. "You will need to stop that eventually. Maybe you can go on the patch or something?"

"Controlling girlfriends, such a turn-off," sighed Eli sardonically, rubbing his forehead. "Next question... _Eight-inch heels? _Clare, I'm not wearing those, no matter how much you beg me to."

"You're hilarious, Eli," said Clare, sticking out her tongue. "You're supposed to answer it with your partner, that's why that question is in there."

"Hmm," mused Eli, his eyes glued to the magazine. "9 out of 10, in my opinion. If you're wearing nothing but the heels, of course."

Clare laughed and rested her chin on Eli's shoulder as he continued to read the magazine. Eli loved having Clare so close to him, her mere presence made him feel happy and safe.

"_Reading poetry_," continued Eli, and grinned at the answer Clare had scribbled. "10 out of 10, huh?"

"I like poetry," said Clare, kissing Eli's shoulder.

"I will keep that in mind," he said, winking at her. "Okay... _going braless_. God, Clare, this magazine knows all my thoughts and fantasies, I'm terrified."

"Men are simple creatures," said Clare pompously. "I'm not going braless for you, Eli. It's tacky to go out in public without wearing a bra!"

"Damn it," chuckled Eli. "I was going to give it a 20 out of 10, but I guess I need to respect your decision... oh my, why is _exposed cleavage_ the next one? Are you sure this is a girly magazine?"

Clare giggled as Eli leaned in to kiss her, still chuckling. "Read the next one," insisted Clare.

Eli read the next question and looked at Clare, frowning. "_Exposed insecurities_," he said softly. "10 out of 10." Clare smiled hesitantily, and Eli just sat there, waiting for her to start talking again.

"Whenever you open up to me... I don't know, I feel closer to you," explained Clare. "It's such a different feeling from what I felt the time we saw each other at the hospital. You were just pushing me away and you didn't even know me... I just wanted to help."

Clare blinked and her cheeks were wet with tears and Eli wanted to hit himself for causing her that kind of sorrow. He pressed his lips on her cheek, tasting her salty tears, and threw the magazine aside as he searched for Clare's lips. They just kissed, with their hands touching each other every now and then, but it was only a kiss.

Eli knew that he had never felt so strongly about someone before, his love for Clare was intense and scary, but he didn't want to say anything to her yet. He wasn't sure if Clare was at that point already, and he didn't want to pressure her into saying something she probably didn't feel.

He felt depressed at the thought of Clare not feeling the same way he did, but also knew that it would be understandable if she didn't love him yet. Eli stopped kissing Clare and smiled tiredly at her, and she ran her fingers through his hair tenderly. "Moody boy, you look sad again," she said lovingly. "Did I say something I shouldn't have?"

Eli took Clare's hand and kissed it, brushing his lips all over it as he closed his eyes. She would never understand the thoughts that went through his mind, the way his damaged brain worked. And he was grateful for that.

"No, I'm just being stupid," he mumbled. "I'm just glad that you're here with me... I'm glad that you didn't leave."


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the lyrics featured in this chapter.**

**Author's note: Ah, young love... maybe I'll change the rating to M now. Ha. To be honest, I felt uneasy about posting this chapter after watching Jesus, Etc, but... I don't want to rewrite the rest of the drafts, so I'm sticking to the original storyline and come what may. **

**Answer to MaggieTheUnicorn: I chose the title for this fic because the lyrics for the song fit it perfectly. :)**

"_Well, I keep my eyes open, I worry for nothing. And all the sweet things I don't say are gonna get me in trouble some day. And the harder that I try, I know, the harder that I push you away... And I'll, I'll admit that I'm scared."_

_**Eyes Open, The Gossip**_

_**-A month later-**_

_**Eli**_

He sat outside the classroom reading one of the many Vonnegut novels he owned, waiting. He glanced at the passing students who either glanced at him or ignored him. He was fine with both, he was there to see Clare, not them. He looked at his old, battered sneakers, the ones that Clare kept glaring at through narrowed eyes, and he wondered if he needed to get rid of them. Eli smirked in amusement as he thought of all the ways Clare Edwards had changed his life. Although his lingering depression was still very present, she managed to keep him distracted enough to keep all the suicidal thoughts away.

Julia and his past were still haunting him in his dreams, but Clare didn't need to know about that. He needed to appear collected in front of her, otherwise she would leave him, and he didn't know if he could survive that.

The door finally opened and he closed his book, waiting for Clare to walk out of the classroom. A group of students emerged from the room, talking excitedly about some assignment the teacher gave them, and Eli felt the sudden itch to return to school. He had been procrastinating enough, and the idea of an English degree was tremendously appealing to him. Maybe he could talk to Clare about it eventually.

"What are you doing here?" asked Clare, a tone of surprise in her voice. He smiled at her as he stood up, trying to be nonchalant about his presence.

"Took the day off, just for you," he said, walking closer to her. "Do you mind?"

Clare smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, sighing contentedly. "I don't mind at all. I'm afraid you're in for an afternoon of homework. I have tons of it, and you've been my constant distraction," she teased as they walked down the hallway. "How did you know where my Ethics classroom was located?"

"Lots of asking and lots of flirting," grinned Eli mischievously. "I think I have two dates tomorrow, not sure..."

Clare hit him on the arm with her book and he rubbed the spot, groaning mockingly. "Help, I'm being abused by my girlfriend!" he exclaimed loudly, making some passerby students to glance.

"Eli!" blushed Clare, and Eli reached for her free hand. Their fingers quickly intertwined and they just walked, holding hands, and Eli noticed that Clare had a huge smile on her face.

"I missed you," he said suddenly, and Clare looked at him.

"You saw me yesterday, remember?" she mocked.

"Well, you're just that important to me," said Eli sincerely, and he noticed a strange expression on Clare's face. "Anyway... um... is Alli going to be in your room today?"

"I honestly don't know," said Clare, smiling again. "Why?"

"Maybe I'll want to distract you from your homework," winked Eli.

"I think that you're underestimating my willpower, Mr. Goldsworthy," chuckled Clare, and Eli stopped walking, pulling Clare closer to him in the spot.

"Am I?" he asked quietly, raising an eyebrow.

He could almost feel how Clare's body started getting warmer as he leaned in, and he shivered when he felt her breath on his lips. He kissed her, aware that they were standing in the middle of a crowded hallway and that students were pushing them just to walk by, but he didn't care.

"Well, well."

Eli pulled away and Clare cleared her throat as they both faced K.C, who was standing there with a shrewd look on his face.

"Hey, it's the mop-head," said Eli casually, causing K.C to glare at him.

"We were leaving," said Clare quickly, dragging Eli along wth her.

"It's hilarious, Clare," called K.C coldly. "When we were dating, you wouldn't even look at me in public, and here you are, making out with this poor excuse of a goth with witnesses everywhere."

"Ouch, man, I'm so hurt," said Eli, turning around. "My heart is broken. Why don't you mind your own business and leave us alone? Start practicing being a baby daddy or something."

"I'm just surprised," retorted K.C, his voice venomous. "How long did it take you to convince her to fuck you? I bet you have already. It took me two ye-"

Eli punched K.C right in the mouth, making Clare's ex-boyfriend howl in pain, blood all over the floor. K.C snarled and shoved Eli, who almost lost his balance but managed to remain on his feet.

"You're just another project for her," said K.C through gritted teeth as students grouped around them to watch. "Just like I was... Clare Edwards, always trying to save the bad boys from their unavoidable end."

The words stung Eli, and he tried to remain expressionless as K.C continued to sneer at him.

"Eli, let's go," pleaded Clare, tugging on the sleeve of Eli's jacket. "Don't listen to him."

"I know that you're the guy she saved from drowning," continued K.C. "You tried to kill yourself, didn't you? What a catch, Clare."

"Shut up, asshole," snapped Eli, losing the little patience he had. "Stay away from Clare, and if you ever talk to her again I will fucking kill you. Did you hear me?"

"Eli, please," muttered Clare fearfully. "Let's go before the campus cops get here..."

"Fine," mumbled Eli, his eyes fixed on the sneering K.C.

They walked away, and Eli's ears with ringing with K.C's words. He could hear K.C yelling after them, but he couldn't make out the words. Soon enough they arrived to Clare's room, and she opened the door hurriedly, pulling Eli inside with her. She closed the door and turned to face him, and she looked alarmed.

"Eli, you're so pale," she said, cupping his face with her hands. "Talk to me, please."

Eli said nothing, he just closed his eyes at Clare's touch and he could feel the tears stinging the back of his eyes. Maybe K.C was right... maybe Clare was with him just to save him somehow. He remembered the day they saw each other at the hospital after she saved him, and he tried not to wince.

_"I don't need salvation," said Eli finally, moving his hand away from Clare's._

_"Excuse me?" asked Clare, and he noticed how confused she looked. The little bitch knew nothing about him, and there she was, wanting to save him from something she shouldn't be involved with._

_"You're wearing a cross around your neck," pointed Eli. "I don't need you and your god telling me that everything is going to be all right, so save it."_

_Clare's hand touched her cross, and Eli wanted to rip it off her neck. "Do your parents know that you tried to kill yourself... again?" she asked scathingly. Oh, she wanted to give him attitude? The nerve of the girl, he thought. He just wanted to get rid of her, and she needed to stop acting like a hero. _

_"I slipped," said Eli furiously. "I don't know what you're talking about."_

_"Sure... sure," retorted Clare. "You don't have to be mad at me, you know? I just did what I thought was right."_

_"Nobody asked you to," snarled Eli, his green eyes flashing with anger. "I didn't ask you to go in and save me. You're not my hero, so if you want me to be eternally grateful to you, don't hold your breath."_

_"I don't want to be a hero," said Clare bitterly. "Do you think that you're the only one with problems? You just used the easy way out."_

_Eli sat on the bed, and Clare looked scared, making him feel pleased about it. "Shut the fuck up," said Eli, his voice quiet yet filled with fury. "You don't know anything about me. Just get out of here and forget we ever met. I will sure as hell try to forget."_

_"Fine," snapped Clare, and walked away._

_Eli watched the door close and tried to regain his breath... she was gone, and that was all that mattered. _

"Am I a project to you?" he whispered, opening his eyes again, trying to forget about the past bitterness.

"Eli, of course not," said Clare. "Don't listen to him, he's just bitter because his relationship is not working out, and we are happy. He's just jealous."

"Are you sure?" he asked despairingly.

"I want to be with you because I really like you," said Clare, teasing his lips with her proximity. "I swear."

Eli was still quiet, and Clare kissed him on the cheek, as if trying to get a reaction from him. "Look. Just because I saved you from drowning doesn't mean that I feel like I need to protect you all the time or... that you're a project, like K.C said. I like being with you, even if we didn't have the most conventional start. You're a really good boyfriend, and I like you so much, Eli, you have no idea. Please believe me when I tell you that I'm all in in this relationship. Please, believe me."

Eli really wanted to believe her, but so many girls had told him that they would stay with him no matter what... just to leave weeks later. He was too much to take, his demons too unbearable, and he sighed as he considered what to say. But Clare's voice was filled with sincerity and he knew that he had to let go of his doubts and embrace what Clare had to offer. He wanted to tell her "I love you," but he was still feeling cautious about it.

"I believe you."

"As you should, silly boy."

Eli kissed her hungrily, and Clare let out a soft moan, turning him on. He tossed his jacket aside and wrapped his arms around her, their bodies pressed against each other, and Alli's voice was suddenly heard on the other side of the door. Clare jumped and tried to push him away, but he just tightened his grip on her.

"Oh, no," mumbled Clare. "Now that I remember, she was going to bring a study partner!"

"Tell them to leave," said Eli, kissing Clare's neck.

"Quick! Follow me!" squealed Clare, and both walked into the bathroom. "Let's hide in the shower!" Eli raised his eyebrows at her but obeyed her, and both hid behind the curtain. Eli let out a little snort as they heard footsteps inside the small dorm room, Alli laughing at some unheard joke. Another girl started talking and Clare panicked as Alli's voice got closer to the bathroom door.

"This was a bad idea... let's just tell them we're he- ouch!" gasped Eli as Clare elbowed him.

"Clare? Are you in there?" called Alli. "And is this Eli's jacket?"

"Yeah... uh... I'm about to take a shower," called Clare back nervously. "Um, I borrowed his jacket the other day, yeah." Eli started chuckling and Clare turned to look at him, realizing where Eli's hand was going.

"No-" she started, but her voice was drowned by the running water, her curls plastered on her forehead at once.

_**Clare**_

"We needed to make it believable," snorted Eli as they both stood under the shower, their wet clothes clinging to their bodies.

"This wasn't part of the plan!" muttered Clare hysterically. Part of her wanted to punch Eli, but she found her boyfriend very attractive, his wet hair all over his forehead.

"We had a plan?" mocked Eli. "We should have stayed there and..."

Eli stopped talking and Clare huffed at him. "What?"

"I... well... you look extremely sexy right now," he said in a hoarse voice. Clare looked down at her body and noticed how her dress was soaked and almost-glued to her body.

Clare looked up and Eli moved closer to her and kissed her, pressing her against the wall, her head hitting the cold tile gently. She tried to keep her moans quiet, but found it challenging when Eli's hand slid under her dress, his fingers brushing her thigh. Clare surprised herself by quickly moving her hand to the front of Eli's jeans, trying to unbuckle his belt.

"Do you like my plan better?" he muttered into her ear, groaning as Clare started to pull down his jeans.

"Stop sounding so smug," she muttered back, feeling Eli's hands get rid of her underwear. Clare buried her face in Eli's neck as she felt his fingers push into her, something he had never done before. She sucked on his neck, trying to stifle her moans as Eli's fingers started moving faster inside of her, causing her to feel slightly dizzy.

She could still hear Alli talking to her classmate, and wondered if they were able to hear anything in spite of the running water. She started breathing shallowly and Eli's removed his fingers, looking at her in the eye.

"You're so hot when you start breathing like that," he mumbled, and Clare smiled bashfully. No one had ever called her _hot_, and she wasn't sure if she should believe Eli. She wasn't the kind of girl guys had fantasies about, she thought.

Eli placed his hands behind Clare's thighs and gave her a questioning look, and she nodded nervously, not sure of what was about to happen.

He carried her and she wrapped her legs around Eli, praying that he would be strong enough to not drop her. _Now, that would be embarrassing,_ she thought, but everything was forgotten when Eli pushed into her, and she moaned loudly.

Eli smirked at her and Clare bit her lower lip, waiting.

"Clare! Are you okay?" asked Alli in concern from the other side.

"Yeah, I..." Eli's thrusts started getting faster, and he had his mouth pressed on her cheek, gasping for breath. "I just... hit myself... with... I'm fine!"

Clare had her arms around Eli's neck, her eyes closed, and even though she was still wearing a dress, the friction of the tile against her back was hurting a little, but she didn't mind the pain.

"_Eli... oh... please_..." she moaned, her body feeling suddenly warm, her breath shaky as satisfied moans escaped her lips. She had had orgasms before, but never like that, as if her body was about to turn into nothing, and she kept shaking. Eli kept moving and the sensation increased, and she wasn't able to think, she wasn't able to breathe... she just wanted to scream, but she couldn't, so she kissed Eli on the lips instead.

"God, Clare," he muttered against her lips, letting go at last. They both were panting, their gasps mixed with the sound of the water, and they kissed each other again, their lips slow and cautious.

"Don't ever leave me," he said painstakingly.

"Why would I do that?" she said lovingly, running her fingers through his hair.

"Because everybody ends up leaving me," he said simply, still holding on to her, their bodies still connected. "Clare..."

Eli seemed to be struggling with his words, and Clare was surprised by the situation... Eli usually always knew what to say. There was pain in his face and Clare didn't know what to do. She wished that Eli was easier to read, she felt that he still didn't trust her enough, and that hurt her slightly.

"You're the only reason why I'm still alive," he breathed. "I can't live without you."

Eli's statement knocked the wind out of Clare, and she didn't know what to say. There was so much hurt in Eli's eyes, and she didn't want to say the wrong thing. She didn't want to tell him that that wasn't healthy, that he needed to live for himself, not her. But Clare didn't want to say something that would push him over the edge, he was still fragile, and he didn't need to hear her doubts.

Eli leaned in and kissed her, and Clare responded to the kiss uneasily, her eyes wide open.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the lyrics featured in this chapter.**

**Author's note: Dedicated to Cortney, because she is going through a rough time right now. Also dedicated to my friend Tyler, who was kind enough to talk to me about a very personal issue which will be referenced in the conversation between Eli and Jason. **

**-This is a transition chapter, sort of, so it might suck a little. Just a warning. **

"_Oh, how could anyone not love the terrible things you do? Oh, how could anyone not want to try and help you?"_

_**Barricade, Stars**_

_**Days later**_

_**Adam**_

_Holy shit. This is not happening. Oh my God. Fuck. Fuck. _

Adam couldn't think straight, Fiona's moans were distracting him from any rational thoughts. Adam was caressing his girlfriend's breasts tentatively, cautiously. Fiona had never let him go that far, and Adam understood completely. After the incident with Bobby, Adam doubted that he would ever have any sort of physical intimacy with Fiona, but he was quite happy with just being able to kiss her.

But Fiona had stopped by his house after a session with her lawyer and one thing had led to another, and there they were, their legs intertwined, with Adam on top of her. He had closed his bedroom door even though he knew that his mother would not be there for another three hours, but Adam was just trying to be cautious.

Adam groaned when he felt Fiona's hand go between his legs, applying some pressure over the denim. "Is that okay?" asked Fiona nervously.

"Yeah, that's just... yeah," breathed Adam. Fiona removed her hand and gently slid it under Adam's flannel shirt, her fingertips brushing the bandages. Adam felt suddenly terrified, not knowing what to do. Part of him wanted to get undressed, but he was still feeling self-conscious about his body.

He focused on kissing Fiona's neck instead, tasting her sweet skin with his tongue, and Fiona's gasps made him shiver with desire. It was heaven and hell, torture and bliss, and Adam didn't want the moment to end.

"What is going on in here?"

Fiona pushed Adam away and started rearranging her blouse, while Adam blinked confusedly as he noticed his mother standing by the door, looking furious.

"Sorry, sorry," mumbled Fiona, her cheeks very red.

"Mom, I didn't expect you to come home early," said Adam bitterly.

"Who is this girl?" barked Mrs. Torres, and Fiona stood up, still looking flustered. Fiona tucked a strand of her behind her ear, glancing at Adam.

"She's Fiona Coyne... my girlfriend," said Adam. He had kept his relationship a secret from his parents, knowing that they wouldn't approve of his behavior, like always.

"Nice to-" started Fiona.

"How can you sleep at night, knowing that you're corrupting my daughter?" asked Mrs. Torres furiously, and Adam stood next to Fiona, holding her hand.

"Fiona is not corrupting anyone, and I'm your _son_," snarled Adam, trying to control his fury.

"Gracie, you're just confused," snapped Mrs. Torres. "And this whore is not helping!"

"Shut the fuck up!" yelled Adam and the room was silent with tension, his mother's eyes widened in shock at his outburst. "How dare you talk like that to the girl I love? I'm not confused, and my name is not Gracie, just get over it!"

"I'm leaving," said Fiona suddenly, her voice broken as she let go of Adam's hand.

"I'm leaving with you," said Adam, grabbing his hoodie from the bed. They walked past his mother quickly, and he didn't want to look back.

"Where do you think you're going?" she yelled hysterically, but Adam ignored her, focusing on how Fiona's hand grabbed his again as they walked out of the house. Rage was making his body shake, and he felt as if he couldn't breathe, but he needed to keep walking... walking...

"Adam, calm down," he heard Fiona say as they walked down the street hurriedly. He stopped walking and gasped for breath, tears rolling down his cheeks. Fiona placed her hands on the back of his neck, looking at him in the eye.

"Look at me, Adam... breathe, please," she pleaded. Adam was starting to get dizzy, but the concern in Fiona's eyes helped him calm down, and he wanted to do nothing but cry.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry that you had to hear that..." he mumbled. "If this is too heavy for you, please, feel free to leave and-" Fiona kissed him on the cheek and smiled tenderly at him, shaking her head.

"Adam, don't worry about it," she said. "I heard you say that I'm the girl you love... Well, you're the man I love, and I'm here for you, I don't care."

Adam wrapped his arms around Fiona and held on to her, his breathing still erratic, the pain in his heart threatening to eclipse everything.

_**Eli**_

He tapped the counter with his fingers, sighing at the sight of the empty store. It was one of those afternoon lulls, the ones he always dreaded, but at least Jason was there to keep him company. The younger boy was standing on a corner, his nose buried in a book Eli had never seen before.

"What are you reading?" asked Eli, trying to make conversation.

"The Pelican Brief," said Jason, his eyes fixed on the book.

"Oh, haven't read that one," commented Eli causually.

"It's pretty decent," said Jason. "The movie sucks, though."

"Shocker," smirked Eli.

Jason continued to read and Eli started thinking of Clare instead, of how distant she seemed lately. He knew that midterms were consuming most of her time, but he couldn't help but think that he was already starting to push her away.

His heart ached for her, and he just wanted to have Clare in his arms, he just wanted to kiss her and never let her go. When he woke up in the morning, she was the first thing he thought of, and the last thought before going to bed was always about her.

"Boss... since we don't have any costumers or anything... do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" asked Jason suddenly.

Eli looked over at the boy, who had put the book down and was staring back at him. "As long as it's not too personal," chuckled Eli.

"Um... I've always been curious... Why did you try to kill yourself... again?" asked Jason bashfully, sounding completely terrified.

Eli raised an eyebrow at him, the question surprising him. "That_ is _quite personal... and how did you... I mean..."

"The owner kind of mentioned it to Pamela," said Jason. "And you know Pamela, she will tell everyone. I just found it interesting since I was already working here the day you first tried to... yeah."

Eli said nothing, looking down at the counter. "So what, do you guys just talk about my suicidal tendencies during your lunch break?" snapped Eli suddenly, feeling furious.

"No, we just worry about you," said Jason calmly. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

Jason sounded extremely sad and defeated, and Eli wondered if there was more to Jason's question than just mere curiosity. He breathed deeply and clenched his fist, pondering his answer.

"Life started to feel like a burden to me," said Eli quietly. "I just... had no interest in living anymore. Like... what was the point? My life was going nowhere, my girlfriend was dead, all my friends were moving on... I don't know. It was just as if darkness engulfed me and I got tired of searching for the light."

Jason just stared at him, still standing on the corner, and he crossed his arms. "You got tired of living. Did you try to reach out to someone?"

"Therapy, but that didn't fucking work," shrugged Eli. "Obviously."

"Huh." There was an edge of bitterness in Jason's voice, which surprised Eli. Jason was usually a very quiet, laid-back guy, but Eli noticed how tense he looked.

"Why did you want to know?" asked Eli.

Jason licked his lower lip and looked away, his eyes focused on one of the walls. "I was twelve when it happened. My older brother, Jacob, was a very outgoing guy. He loved to play with Jaden and me, we used to have a blast. Then one day, all of a sudden, his behavior changed. He locked himself in his bedroom and wouldn't come out... he yelled at us all the time and even hit us every now and then. I don't know what happened to him. One day Jaden and I wanted to play soccer and we asked him if he wanted to join us. He said he had to look for something first and that yes... he would love to play. I got really excited because it seemed like Jacob was getting back to be his old self. We waited for him at the park for almost an hour, and Jaden started crying so we decided to go back home. My parents weren't there, so I started calling for Jacob and he didn't answer. I went to his room and he wasn't there, and I felt this weird sensation in my stomach... my gut told me to go to my dad's office. I opened the door and-"

Jason stopped talking, and he cleared his throat, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "His blood was everywhere... his face was unrecognizable and the shotgun was on the floor next to him. I will never forget that."

Eli's chest felt heavy, and he didn't know what to say. He had never known that Jason had gone through something as horrific at that, he didn't seem like the kind of guy to carry such a weight on his shoulders.

"That's why I wanted to ask you..." sniffed Jason. "Until this day, I've always wondered why Jacob killed himself. And here you are, telling me that you felt... tired."

"Maybe there was something else going on," said Eli sorrowfully. "I mean, maybe-"

"He should have talked to us," said Jason serenely. "He killed himself without thinking about the pain he would leave behind... he was selfish, and I will always resent him for that."

"Fuck, Jason, I'm sorry," mumbled Eli.

"Just... don't try to do it again," said Jason nonchalantly, picking up his book. "People care about you, and you should think of that every day before doing something stupid. Just my opinion, boss."

Jason went back to reading and Eli just stood there, a migraine lurking in the back of his head.

_**Clare**_

"Oh, Claaaaaaaaaare!"

Clare blinked and glanced at Alli, who was standing next to her with an annoyed look on her face. "It would be lovely if you actually paid attention to what I'm saying, instead of daydreaming about the amazing shower sex you had the other day!" protested Alli.

"I'm not... wait, shower sex?" blurted Clare.

"Oh, Clare, I'm not stupid," said Alli, rolling her eyes. "I've feigned ignorance but seriously? 'Oh, Alli, no, I hit myself with something, it's not like I'm moaning with pleasure.'"

Clare blushed furiously and continued to pack her overnight bag, trying to think of anything else she might need during the weekend. "Sorry about that," said Clare apologetically.

"Yeah, well, I had to tell my study partner that you _really _enjoy showers," mocked Alli. "So, are you spending the weekend at Eli's?"

"Mhm," said Clare uneasily. "Alli, can I ask you something?"

"Oh, now you want to talk," said Alli, tongue-in-cheek. "Sure."

Clare breathed deeply, closing her bag slowly. "I really like Eli, but lately... I feel like I've been pushing away."

"Why?" asked Alli, sitting on Clare's bed.

"I don't know, I feel like he depends too much on me and... that scares me," admitted Clare.

"Ew, is he clingy?" groaned Alli.

"No, not clingy... he just looks at me like I'm the only thing worth living for," said Clare pensively.

"Honey, girls would kill to have a guy look at them like that," smiled Alli. "Why are you complaining about it?"

"Because relationships end, Alli," said Clare miserably. "While I don't expect us breaking up anytime soon, if we do... he needs to live for himself, not me. I just don't want him to hurt himself in case we don't work out."

"Oh." Alli pursed her lips and started playing with the strap of Clare's bag, thinking. "That's a valid point. Maybe you should tell him this, you know? Keeping it inside will only damage your relationship with him."

"I do want to tell him," said Clare, sighing loudly. "Maybe sometime this weekend. We're having dinner with his parents tomorrow night so I'll definitely talk to him after that."

"That sounds like a plan," smiled Alli. "You seem so happy with him, and I really want you guys to work out."

"I really want that too," said Clare quietly, and grabbed her bag.

_**Later**_

"Oh. Have you been practicing behind my back?"

"No, Eli, I'm just better at video games than you are."

"Clare Edwards, you are a liar."

Clare giggled as Eli dropped his control and started kissing her on the neck, the video game still going on on the screen. "Eli! I'm about to kill you!" protested Clare, trying not to moan as he felt Eli's tongue on her skin.

"Oh, yes you are," he mocked, pressing his lips on hers and Clare forgot about the video game. They kissed intensely for minutes before pulling away, both of them trying to catch their breath.

"I missed you," he said.

"I missed you too," said Clare honestly. "I really did."

"Are you done with midterms?" he asked as he started to unbutton Clare's blouse.

"I only have one next week, Geology," said Clare, placing small kisses on Eli's cheek. "And then my schedule will go back to normal."

"Good, not being able to see you every day just..." Eli stopped talking and kissed her instead. The conversation with Alli started to invade Clare's thoughts, but she pushed it away, focusing on Eli.

"I'm looking forward to the dinner tomorrow," said Clare.

"Let's not talk about my parents, okay?" smirked Eli. Clare nodded and kissed him, trembling when his hand slid down the front of her jeans, and she moaned against his lips. Eli's fingers were moving fast, urgently, and Clare could only gasp as she held on to him.

She moaned softly as she arched her back, her body shaking under his, and Eli kissed her slowly. He removed his hand and Clare's hands moved to his belt, trying to touch him, but Eli pushed her hand away.

"I don't want to be selfish," muttered Eli.

"Sorry?" asked Clare, confused.

"I don't want to be selfish," repeated Eli.

"You're not selfish... Eli, what are you talking about?" questioned Clare. A brief glimpse of sorrow appeared in Eli's eyes but he blinked it away rapidly, and just smiled at her.

"Nothing, nothing," he mumbled as he started sucking on her neck again, and all of Clare's worries disappeared.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the lyrics featured in this chapter. Also, Bullfrog's stories are referenced in Please Kill Me, which is an AWESOME book about the punk movement. READ IT NOW!**

**Author's note: Not much to say except… don't hate me. **

"_If it's too much to bear, or to hear, or take, I'll be frank… Let my inflection be crystal clear. This mess that you've made, it's a six-foot grave. It's a home for your lonesome bones that remain. We'll disappear, but you'll stay here to rot as the king of the dark and forgot."_

_**Toba the Tura, Forgive Durden **_

_**Clare**_

"You've been really quiet today," noted Eli as he drove Clare's car.

"I'm still thinking about school, you know," lied Clare. She was feeling apprehensive about talking to Eli after the dinner, not sure about how she would approach the subject.

"You know you can talk to me about anything," said Eli, glancing at the traffic signs. "It's a two-way street, this relationship."

"Actually… I was wondering if after the dinner we could talk about something," she said in a small voice.

"Should I be worried about this?" joked Eli.

"No, no, not at all," said Clare rapidly.

"Sounds good," he grinned, but his voice sounded apprehensive. "We'll just have to stop by the bookstore after dinner, I think I left my phone there."

Clare chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, and squeezed Eli's hand gently. "Just forgive me for being weird today. I'll try to act normal at your parents' house."

"Please, there is no need to," smirked Eli. "My parents are the opposite of normal, so feel free to act insane."

Clare looked at him and sighed at the sight of the smile on Eli's lips. Maybe it wasn't necessary to say anything; maybe his dependence on her was his way of showing affection, maybe…

She knew that she couldn't avoid it, that they needed to talk. She was just afraid that the conversation would ruin everything between them, and she wasn't sure if she could handle not seeing Eli anymore. He made her happy, made her feel emotions she didn't know she had, and she truly cared about him. She needed him.

_Who's the needy one now?_ thought Clare, and looked away.

_**Later**_

"You two are quite the chatty bunch today," said Cece loudly. The only sound in the room was the one of utensils scarping the plates, and Eli smiled weakly at his mother.

"It's been a rough week, that's all," said Eli. "Um, dad, you should tell Clare the story about Iggy and the bottles."

"Oh, yeah," said Clare, attempting to make conversation. "Eli mentioned something about it."

Bullfrog jumped on his seat excitedly and Cece rolled her eyes playfully at her husband. "I've heard this story many times," laughed Cece, looking over at Clare.

"It was really funny, actually. Iggy was just insane, and he kept breaking bottles on stage and cutting himself in front of all those girls. Craziness." Bullfrog took a sip out of his beer, chuckling, and winked at his wife. "Blood everywhere, and the paramedics were next to the stage freaking the fuck out. Iggy just kept singing and smiling like nothing was going on. And somehow, chicks found him sexy. Why? I have no idea."

"Women find the idea of a damaged man very appealing," explained Cece calmly, glancing at Eli and Clare. "It might not be the most practical thing to do, though."

Clare smiled nervously, poking at the mashed potatoes with her fork. She wasn't feeling hungry, and while Bullfrog's stories usually had her laughing, she was still thinking about the conversation she needed to have with Eli.

"Like Sid and Nancy," pointed out Bullfrog. "Eli used to be obsessed with their story back in the day, when he was dating-"

Bullfrog stopped talking and looked nervously at Eli, who merely shrugged at his father. "When I was dating Julia, yeah," mumbled Eli. Clare glanced at her boyfriend's plate and noticed that he hadn't eaten much, and wondered if he had any suspicions about her behavior.

"Anyway, Sid and Nancy were a pair of crazy fuckers," said Bullfrog, sounding amused. "Sid was clingy as hell, he was so in love with Nancy and would do anything for her. It was borderline obsessive… who am I kidding, he was truly obsessed with her. As if hanging out with Nancy was the only thing worth living for."

Clare thought of Eli immediately and cleared her throat uncomfortably, blushing deeply.

"He didn't actually know them, by the way," noted Eli, looking at Clare. "Odds are he's just making shit up."

"No, but I heard the stories," continued Bullfrog. "It was just a sick, totally dependent relationship, so fucked up. People don't know what to think, they don't know if Sid truly killed Nancy… I think he did."

"Really?" asked Clare, her hands shaking as she put down her fork.

"Sid loved Nancy too much," said Eli. "I don't think he killed her. Even if their relationship was messy and messed up, I think that Nancy was the most important thing in his life and he wouldn't hurt her."

"Nancy wanted to leave him, though," said Bullfrog, poking Cece in the shoulder. "Right?"

"I think so," said Cece, cutting her steak. "I mean, Sid was kind of clingy and getting on her nerves."

"Because he loved her," interjected Eli. The way Eli said the words made Clare feel uneasy, and she felt that she needed to say something.

"It can get a bit suffocating at times, though," said Clare shyly. "Depending too much on someone isn't healthy, and maybe that's why Nancy wanted out."

"That was selfish of Nancy then," snapped Eli. "She was a nobody, and Sid Vicious was famous and gave her the time of day."

"Oh, well, Nancy should have been eternally grateful then," said Clare, sipping on her drink.

"I'm not saying that-" started Eli.

"Dessert?" interrupted Cece.

Clare noticed that Bullfrog and Cece looked very uncomfortable and she felt ashamed of her outburst.

"Sure, sure," mumbled Clare, feeling embarrassed.

She glanced at Eli, who was just staring at his plate in silence, and she coughed nervously, dreading the end of the dinner.

_**Eli**_

The drive from his parents' house to the bookstore had been extremely silent, and Eli couldn't help but wonder if Clare was about to break up with him. He knew that Clare said that the conversation was nothing to worry about, but he was apprehensive by nature.

"Do you want to come in?" asked Eli as he parked Clare's car in front of the bookstore. "We got a new shipment of books yesterday. Maybe you can look around."

"Sure," said Clare, taking off her seat belt.

The store was dark and Eli walked over to the office, turning on the lights so the main floor was dimly lit. Clare followed him and when Eli saw his phone sitting on the desk he felt suddenly reckless.

"Come here," he said softly and Clare smiled nervously at him.

"Yes?" She put her arms around his neck and Eli thought that maybe he was just being paranoid. He kissed her eagerly and ran his fingers through Clare's hair, his heart racing.

They kissed passionately and Eli pushed Clare against the desk, some books falling as she sat on the desk, wrapping her legs around Eli. He really loved her, he wanted to be with her forever, and he knew that he had to tell her.

_I love you, I love you, I love you_. The words went through his head as he undid the button on Clare's jeans, enjoying the sound of his girlfriend's hurried moans.

"This is not right," she mumbled as he pulled on her jeans.

"We don't have a camera in the office, don't worry," he smirked as he nibbled on her earlobe. He usually wanted to take things slow with Clare whenever they had sex, but his body took control of him and he pushed into her, making her gasp because she wasn't quite ready.

"Sorry," he mumbled against Clare's neck, but Clare just dug her fingernails on the back of his neck as his thrusts picked up. Everything was a blur; everything was fast and sweaty, intense and desperate. He groaned against Clare's lips, their moans and gasps getting louder and he kissed Clare hard, their lips bruising at once.

He just buried his face on Clare's neck after everything was over, and a question came to mind. His lips created a trail of kisses from Clare's neck to her cheek, and Clare muttered something he couldn't quite understand.

"Are you scared of me?" he breathed into Clare's ear. Clare pushed him away slowly and looked at him quizzically.

"Sorry?" she asked.

Eli moved away, rearranging his clothes rapidly, not looking at her. Clare slowly got off the desk, staring tentatively at him.

"You really got into it with the whole Sid and Nancy discussion," pointed Eli casually. "Am I _your _Sid or something?"

"Eli, I don't want to fight," said Clare, buttoning her jeans.

"You've been acting distant for the past few weeks, and I just need to know if there is something you need to tell me," said Eli, not really wanting to know the answer. "Well, of course there is, you said so earlier today. I'm waiting."

"I…" Clare moved closer to him and grabbed his hand, and Eli noticed that she was shaking. "I do have something to say, and promise me that you won't get mad."

Eli pursed his lips and frowned, not taking his eyes off Clare. "Just tell me."

Clare breathed deeply, her fingers intertwining with Eli and she opened her mouth to speak. "I'm worried that you're a little bit… Okay, I… I'm worried that you depend on me too much."

Eli grimaced, trying not to show his despair too much. He had accomplished what he had been afraid to; he had pushed her away with his need, as he always knew he would.

"It just scares me when you look at me like... like I'm the best thing in your life," said Clare quickly. "Eli, you need to live your life for _you, _and I'm afraid that you will never fully recover if you-"

Clare's lips kept moving but Eli wasn't listening to a word she was saying. He was panicking; he could feel his chest starting to get heavy as he tried to think of what to say. Clare just didn't understand, she didn't understand that before she walked into his life he had no real reason to live, that her presence made him want to get better.

She didn't know anything, and a new emotion pushed away the sadness he was feeling.

"I think that you're being a little conceited," said Eli, his voice dripping with anger as he let go of Clare's hand. He walked over to the desk, standing against it, and crossed his arms as he looked at Clare.

"I didn't mean to sound conceited at all," said Clare apologetically. "I just thought that I should let you know what I feel, you did say this is a two-way street, remember?"

Eli snorted and stared at the ceiling, trying to control himself. "Whatever, Clare."

"Why are you being so childish about this?" asked Clare, sounding frustrated. "I'm trying to be honest with you."

"Clare, my life was perfectly fine before you appeared," snapped Eli cynically.

Clare rolled her eyes and a derisive chuckle escaped her mouth, making Eli feel more and more irate.

"What's so funny, Edwards?" he retorted.

Clare licked her lips and shook her head, sighing impatiently.

"What? Just fucking say it, since we're here, being all honest and whatnot," said Eli sardonically.

"I saved you from drowning!" cried Clare, and the words hit Eli in the gut, causing an unexpected amount of pain. "You wanted to kill yourself and I saved you, so excuse me for being concerned about your mental well-being!"

"Oh, well, _thank you_, my one and only savior," sneered Eli. "How stupid of me, without you I wouldn't be alive, you're absolutely right."

"Eli, stop it!" protested Clare. "Stop being such a jerk!"

"I'm a jerk!" yelled Eli. "Remember the day we saw each other after you saved me? I haven't changed, Clare, I'm still the same asshole you met that day. You were just stupid enough to believe that I had changed or something."

And suddenly, it was as if they had traveled back in time, back to the day when they saw each other clearly for the first time at the hospital, and Eli felt defeated.

"I've been so stupid," said Eli bitterly, and Clare shook her head, trying to approach him but Eli stepped back, not wanting to touch her.

"Eli-"

"I was always the one calling you, needing you," groaned Eli, burying his face in his hands. "I can't believe I was so stupid to let you in, I can't believe I was such an idiot… I fell in love with you, and I shouldn't have."

"Wh-what?" gasped Clare. "You what?"

"I'm in love with you," said Eli sorrowfully. "I love you."

Clare's eyes widened but she said nothing; she just tugged on the hem of her shirt nervously, and looked away. After all the shouting and yelling, after all the recrimination and reminders of guilty, Clare had nothing to say to him, and foreboding invaded Eli's aching heart.

"You're not going to say anything?" asked Eli hoarsely.

"I… I don't know what to say."

And just like that, he knew the truth. Clare didn't love him. His greatest fear wasn't a distant nightmare anymore, it was cold, bitter reality. He had fallen in love with someone who couldn't love him back, because he was only a project to her, she was with him just because she felt as if she owed him. The walls that had disappeared during his relationship with Clare came up all of a sudden, and he felt his insides turn into ice, his heart slowing its rhythm.

"Your ex-boyfriend was right... you're with me just because you feel responsible for me," said Eli, his voice breaking. "You know what? You're free, Clare Edwards, you're fucking free. You don't have to be with me out of pity, you can go ahead and move on and forget about me."

"Hold on-" started Clare, but Eli didn't want to listen to her, he never wanted to see her again.

"Just leave... I'll call a cab," said Eli handing her the keys and turning his back on her as he gripped the edge of the desk, his knuckles turning white.

"Are you going to listen to me?" pleaded Clare.

"No. You've done enough damage." Eli closed his eyes and waited, waited for Clare to tell him that he was crazy, that she was in love with him and that she didn't mean any of the words she said. He wanted her to say that they weren't Sid and Nancy, that their story had an actual future.

But the only thing he heard was the sound of Clare's disappearing steps, the sound of the door closing after her, and he fell on his knees.

He couldn't breathe.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the lyrics featured in this chapter.**

**Author's note: Just one chapter left! I will try to post the epilogue before I go on my trip. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, I am not worthy. This chapter is dedicated to musiksnob. **

"_But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?"_

_**Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons**_

_**Eli**_

He looked at the pile of cigarettes next to his feet and dug his hand in his pocket, grateful that he had bought more than one pack. Eli stared at the horizon ahead, leaning on his car as he looked at the trail in front of him.

Clare was right... it wasn't healthy to depend so much on someone. He never intended to be a burden to her, to his parents, to his friends.

Eli glanced at the trail again, the trail that led to the railroad tracks. The tracks where he spent so much time with Julia... where he tried to kill himself for the second time. He recalled what he said to Clare ages ago, the day they saw each other for the second time.

_She looked at him with her blue eyes and he felt weak all of a sudden. Clare had been concerned about him, thought about him, and he didn't know what to think._

_"I just wanted to know if you were alive," blurted Clare. "Don't flatter yourself."_

_"Third time is the charm," said Eli, leaning against the brick wall. "Maybe next time I'll get lucky."_

He dropped the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it, sighing sadly as he considered what to do.

"It's such a mixed blessing, to be brought back from the dead," he muttered to himself, paraphrasing Vonnegut. He sighed again and looked ahead, trying to make up his mind.

_**Clare**_

She sniffed against her pillow, her eyes red and stinging. Sleep had eluded her all night, but she was fine with it, she deserved nothing but pain. Clare couldn't stop thinking about Eli, about how wretched he looked, and she hated herself from breaking his heart. She started sobbing again, holding the pillow close to her face, and felt grateful that Alli wasn't in the room with her.

_I love you._

Eli's words echoed in her head, which made her cry even harder. She had been caught off guard because she had been too busy being mad at him, and she lost her opportunity to tell him how she felt.

Of course she loved him, being with Eli was like oxygen to her. But he hated her now, he didn't want to talk to her ever again, and she would have to live with that guilt for the rest of her life. She tried to stop crying when she heard the door opening and pretended to be asleep as Alli stepped into the room, the loud sound of her heels making Clare wince.

"Clare, what are you doing here?" asked Alli, poking her in the shoulder. "I thought you would be at Eli's."

"I thought that you were supposed to be at Drew's," mumbled Clare, opening her eyes slowly.

"I just stopped by to get- Clare, you've been crying," stated Alli, pushing Clare aside gently and sitting on the bed. "What happened?"

"We broke up," gasped Clare in anguish and Alli lay next to her, wrapping her arms around her.

"Oh, Clare," said Alli sadly. "I'm guessing you did tell him about... you know, what we talked about."

Clare sobbed into Alli's shoulder while her friend just pulled her closer, thinking of Eli over and over again.

A few minutes went by, and while Clare thought that she would never run out of tears, she finally stopped crying, her sadness still consuming her.

"He told me he loves me and I just stood there like an idiot," muttered Clare. "Alli, it's all my fault."

Alli pulled Clare up so they both could sit on the bed and grabbed her by the shoulders, looking at Clare straight in the eyes. "But you love him, right?" snapped Alli.

"Of course," said Clare weakly. "I just got scared and... we were fighting and the timing wasn't right. He ended up telling me he never wants to see me again, that he never wants to talk to me again. I left, I just couldn't handle it, Alli!"

"First of all, breathe," said Alli calmly. "You sound and look like you're about to have a stroke. Second, both of you were mad, and I'm sure he didn't mean that. I mean, he loves you, Clare. Call him and figure this out."

"No, no," said Clare stubbornly. "This is worse than what happened with K.C and-"

"Clare, stop it!" said Alli sternly. "You two love each other and you guys need to fix this. Is Eli a little messed up? Yes, he is. But do you want to be there for him? I know you do. You were honest with him about your fears and maybe that upset him, but I'm sure he regrets saying the things he said last night... just like you regret not saying anything."

Clare looked at Alli and tears started rolling down her cheeks again, which she frantically wiped away with her sleeve. She didn't want to spend the rest of her life wondering what would have happened with Eli and she knew that Alli was right. She had to call him and tell him that she loved him, no matter what. That she also needed him in her life, that he was the only one that made her heart beat faster every time he smiled.

"You're a pro at relationship advice now," said Clare, still sniffling.

"What can I say, I'm pretty awesome," winked Alli. "Call him, Clare."

Clare reached for her phone and dialed Eli's number, waiting for his reponse. The phone rang and rang but he didn't pick up, and terror started growing in the pit of Clare's stomach. What if...?

"He's not answering," said Clare frantically, dialing again.

_This is Eli, I'm busy at the moment-_

"Eli, please, answer," begged Clare, and Alli just looked at her in concern.

"Maybe he's at the bookstore?" suggested Alli.

"No, he doesn't work Sundays," said Clare, dialing one more time. "Oh, Eli, please tell me you're all right."

Alli stood up and tried to flatten her dress, noticeably upset. "Let me call Drew and tell him I'm not going back to his apartment," said Alli, reaching for her purse before stepping outside.

Clare just sat on the bed, holding on to the phone as her heart started beating in erratic anxiety. "Eli," she said desperately, hoping that he would listen to the message. "Please answer the phone, I need to talk to you. Or at least tell me that you're okay even if you hate me, please, Eli. Please."

She hung up and dialing again, her phone the only source of twisted comfort, and she couldn't stop shaking.

_**Eli**_

The sun was burning the back of his neck, and Eli smirked at the familiar feeling. He stood at the edge of the tracks and stared at the water below, his heart thumping wildly inside his chest. It was another windy day, and he wondered what were the odds of everything turning out the same way it did months ago.

Would Clare save him again? Would she say "welcome back" to him one more time?

He shivered as he felt another presence, but he looked around and saw no one, which made him chuckle bitterly. No wonder Clare didn't want anything to do with him... he was losing his mind.

"I have to say goodbye, Julia," muttered Eli, closing the eyes. "It's time to say goodbye."

_**Adam**_

"Shouldn't you go home?" breathed Fiona, kissing Adam on the neck.

Adam pulled Fiona closer to him and they kissed for a long time, and he could feel his face getting red. "The advantages of living with your older brother are many," mocked Adam. "Such as... no curfew."

"Hmm, interesting," said Fiona coquettishly. "I love when you spend the night with me."

"Well, I like waking up next to you," grinned Adam. "And please explain to me... when did I become such a sap?"

"You've always been one, my prince," smiled Fiona, kissing him on the lips again. Adam deepened the kiss as Fiona pressed her body against his, their legs intertwining under the sheets. Adam's hand slid under Fiona's nightgown, still not able to believe that he was able to touch her...

His phone started ringing and he groaned, pulling away. "Must be Drew," he grunted.

"Do you have to answer?" protested Fiona playfully.

"Yeah, give me a sec," said Adam, getting out of the bed and walking over to his discarded jeans. He found his phone and frowned when he saw that Clare was the one calling him.

"Hello, ma'am, this is the international association of perfect Casanovas," said Adam mockingly as he answered the phone. "All of our associates are quite busy at the moment-"

"Adam, have you seen Eli?" asked Clare in an anxious tone.

Adam stopped smiling as he felt his heart drop, and he glanced at Fiona meaningfully.

"No... why?"

"We had a fight last night and I can't find him. I already went to his apartment, called the bookstore to see if Jason knew something but he had no idea, and I'm freaking out."

"Whoa, calm down. Have you called his parents?"

"No, not yet. They're going to hate me."

"I'm sure Eli is okay," said Adam, feeling uneasy. "Maybe he just needed some time to think or..."

"Can you call him? Maybe he will answer your call."

"Sure... do you want me to call his parents as well?"

"No, I'll do it. They will hate me, but I will call them."

"He's okay, Clare, I know."

"I hope you're right. Call me if you find out anything, please."

"Sure."

"Bye."

Adam hung up and just looked at his found, a deep sense of anxiety overpowering him. Eli was more than a friend to him, he was like a second brother. He had saved him in so many ways, and the fact that his friend was going through a rough time made Adam feel terribly sad.

"What's wrong?" asked Fiona.

"My friend Eli is missing," said Adam. "I... need to try to contact him."

"Of course," nodded Fiona. "Let me go get dressed, okay?"

Adam cleared his throat as Fiona walked out of the room and he dialed Eli's number, hoping for the best. The phone rang but Eli didn't answer, and images of Eli lying dead somewhere tormented Adam with every single dial tone.

"Come on, man," he sighed, and kept waiting.

_**Clare**_

Clare flung her arms around Adam and hugged him tightly, the boy responding to the hug weakly. "Thanks for meeting me here," said Clare gratefully.

"I don't think he's in here, Clare," said Adam, glancing at the building.

"Cece said he might... but I'm not sure either," admitted Clare. Drew and Alli parked next to Clare's car, and Adam waved at his brother. Fiona got out of her car and joined them, her face very pale.

"I'll go and ask," said Adam. "What else did Cece say?"

"Nothing much, she said that Bullfrog would call some of Eli's old friends and that..." Clare's voice broke, remembering the conversation.

"_I'll tell my husband to call some of his friends and-"_

"_Cece?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_I'm sorry, this is all my fault."_

"_Oh, honey, don't blame yourself. Eli... Eli has never fully recovered, this is not your fault. I feel like I should apologize to you."_

"_No, Cece, what are you talking about?"_

"_I feel like we didn't do enough to help him, you know? He tried to kill himself twice and... we weren't able to prevent anything." _

_Clare just closed her eyes, not knowing what to say. _

"... she just said she would call us if they got in touch with him," finished Clare.

"Good," nodded Adam.

"Who's going in?" asked Drew, his arm around Alli. "We're not helping, you know, just standing outside like idiots."

"I'll go," said Clare, pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket. "I need to look for Dr. Berlasky's group."

"I'll go with you," said Adam, touching Clare's arm. "Come on."

"We'll be waiting for you," smiled Alli, and Clare felt incredibly grateful towards all of them.

They walked into the building and the smell of it made Clare slightly nauseous. She remembered Eli telling her that the building smelled like looming death, that it smelled like wasted tears, and then he had laughed about it. She wondered if Eli had laughed just to make her feel comfortable and not freak her out with his darkness.

They finally found the room and Clare looked in, seeing a small group of people sitting there, listening to a gray-haired man with a clipboard as he talked about the many phases of depression. Eli wasn't there, and Clare just wanted to fall on her knees and cry in frustration.

"Excuse me," she squeaked, and everybody turned to look at her.

"Yes?" the gray-haired man drawled.

"I'm looking for Eli Goldsworthy," she said, and Adam held her hand, clutching it tightly. "Have you seen him at all today?"

"Mr. Goldsworthy hasn't showed up for several weeks," the man said. "He stopped showing up after the incident with Ronnie."

Clare frowned as she realized that Eli had skipped therapy without telling her, but there was no time to dwell on it. "Oh, I'm sorry," said Clare and turned around to walk away.

"He doesn't want help," the man called. "He needs it."

Clare looked back at the man briefly and noticed that he looked genuinely worried, and she wondered if he was the doctor Eli hated so much.

"I know... doctor," she said, and Dr. Berlasky nodded gravely at her.

She walked with Adam and tried to think of other places where she could find Eli, cringing as her head started to ache. "Such a cheerful man," pointed Adam as they reached the doors. "No offense, but I would jump off a bridge too if I had to see that face every-"

Clare stopped walking as she was hit with realization, and she let go of Adam's hand. "The bridge... the railroad tracks!" she gasped. "I have to go."

"Clare, wait!" called Adam, but Clare was running, she couldn't stop running.

She just hoped it wasn't too late.

_**Eli**_

His eyes were still closed, and he could feel the wind pushing him, egging him on.

"It was interesting while it lasted," muttered Eli. "It really was. But... I can't go on like this, Julia. I hope that you understand."

Eli could hear a distant voice calling him, but he continued to smoke, ignoring it. Even if it was a windy day, the weather was fairly nice, and Eli felt grateful for it. He ran his fingers through his hair and dropped his last cigarette into the water and once again felt threatened by the height.

"Eli, don't do it!"

Eli stiffened at the sound of the familiar voice, and wondered if his mind was still playing tricks on him. He glanced and saw Clare running over to him, and he stepped back from the edge.

"Hold on, don't come near me!" called Eli, and Clare stopped running, looking exhausted.

Eli walked over to her tentatively, still not sure if she was a vision or the real thing. He stepped on the gravel, his feet not on the tracks anymore, and he looked into Clare's eyes.

"I thought I wouldn't make it," gasped Clare, her eyes filled with tears.

"Sorry?" asked Eli, raising an eyebrow.

"I just... was afraid that it was too late," croaked Clare. "I thought you would be-"

"Dead?" interjected Eli.

Clare didn't say anything and looked down, staring at her shoes. Eli placed a finger under Clare's chin, gently forcing her to lift her head and look at him. They just looked at each other in silence for a minute and then Eli removed his hand.

"I don't want this. I don't want you worrying about me like this. Clare, I wasn't planning to kill myself."

Clare looked profoundly relieved and wrapped her arms around him, and Eli couldn't help but hug her back. "I just came here to get closure... to say goodbye," muttered Eli. "Sorry if you got worried."

"You're okay, and that's all that matters," said Clare quietly.

"Why are you here?" asked Eli curiously.

Clare pulled away and brushed Eli's cheek with her hand. "I know that you still have issues to figure out but... I want to help you, I want to be here for you."

"Why would you want to do that?" Eli shook his head, trying to ignore the dull pain in his chest.

"Because... I love you."

Eli looked at her, not wanting to believe her.

"When you told me that you love me last night... I freaked out," admitted Clare. "We were fighting, and that was the last thing I expected, so my reaction wasn't probably the best. I'm sorry. But Eli, I do love you, I'm so in love with you... and this morning when you didn't answer my calls, I felt like I was dyin-"

Eli kissed her, not letting her finish. He forgot about his pain for a moment, all that mattered was that Clare was there with him and she loved him.

"You're right, you were right," he muttered against her lips. "I was depending too much on you."

Clare kissed him again, her lips moving slow and lovingly. They finally let go of each other and Eli felt scared again, and knew that they had more to discuss.

"I want to live, Clare," said Eli sincerely. "But I know I have a long road ahead of me to be truly happy... And you're one of the reasons why I want to get better."

Clare cupped his face with her hands and said nothing, she just looked at him patiently.

"I also want to get better for my parents, I hate seeing them so worried about me," he continued. "For my friends... but most of all, for me. I feel like I need to let go of all this weight that I've been carrying around, I'm just so tried of it."

"That's good, Eli," said Clare, her voice filled with emotion.

"So, here's the thing," said Eli, clearing his throat. "I do want you in my life, but I want to make sure you're comfortable with this. I don't want to pressure you into anything, I know that this isn't the most pleasant situation. I would be thrilled if you want to continue dating while I go through this process, but if you want to be here for me just as a friend until I get better, I will be happy too. I just want to know that I can count on you, as selfish as that sounds."

Clare bit her lower lip and she sighed, taking one of Eli's hands in hers. "I do want to be here for you," she said. "And of course you can count on me."

"Whatever you decide, I will understand," said Eli honestly. "It's your call."

Their eyes met one more time as the wind started slowing down and silence engulfed them. Eli placed his hand on her cheek, his thumb tracing circles on it. He admired the parted lips, the blue eyes, and he blinked, not able to believe that such a beautiful woman existed. He knew that he would never love someone as much as he loved Clare, and just for that experience, just for knowing what he was capable of feeling, life was worth living.

Eli waited for Clare to answer and after a couple minutes, she opened her mouth to speak.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the lyrics featured in this chapter. **

**Author's note: This epilogue is dedicated to all of you who read this story. The response was just overwhelming… it really was. I don't know if you will like my next story as much, but one thing is for sure, your comments for this fic made me feel better about my writing and I love you guys so much. **

**Also, if you've read my collection of one-shots, Snapshots of Us, you will recognize a character in this epilogue. ;)**

_-_** As always, dedicated to those who have struggled with depression all their life.-**

"_You give like I give, you know how I ache. We all became so poor… there's nothing left to take, I break when you break. You fall like I fall, as far as I fall. You call how I call… we're indivisible, inside invisible. When I fall inside a hole that I can't crawl out, better give up my control as I call you down."_

_**As I Call You Down, Fistful of Mercy**_

_**Eight years later**_

"Daddy? Are you awake?"

Eli groaned sleepily as he felt a tiny hand poked him in the arm, and he wished that he had been able to sleep a few more minutes. His face was pressed against the pillow, and he could feel a headache lingering in the back of his head, a result of staying up too late. He blinked slowly as the sunlight poured in through the window and knew at once that he had overslept.

"I'm awake now," he mumbled, giving his daughter a weak smile. "Good morning, Emy."

"Mommy made pancakes," said Emy, as if the event was almost life changing. "I left you a few."

"Well, aren't you the nicest kid on Earth?" mocked Eli.

The five-year old smiled widely at him, and Eli chuckled at the sight of Emy's missing tooth. He sat on the bed slowly and looked at his daughter, Clare's perfect, flawless mini-me.

"You're already dressed, how efficient," he said, messing Emy's hair playfully with his hand.

"Mommy said that I had to look nice today," grinned Emy, and Eli stood up and carried her.

"You always look nice," he said softly, and kissed her on the cheek. "You're getting heavier though."

"Do I have to go on a diet?" mumbled Emy sadly and Eli laughed as they walked out of the bedroom.

"No, Emy, you're fine," he said, kissing her on the cheek again. "Diets are evil, they are so evil that Mommy's priest said that if you try a diet you will go to hell."

"Eli," said Clare disapprovingly as they walked into the kitchen, and Eli winked at Emy, who winked back mischievously. Clare was over by the sink, washing dishes, and just shook her head at both of them.

"Hey, just trying to be a good parent here," explained Eli sarcastically as he delicately placed Emy on the ground.

"Right," said Clare mockingly. "Well, _good parent_, we have to pay the water bill soon."

Eli sat at the kitchen table and groaned, causing Emy to walk over to him and wrap her small arms around him. He put an arm around his daughter as he sorted through some of the envelopes Clare left on the table for him and he grabbed one and stared at it.

"Emerson Goldsworthy, I've had enough of your laziness," he said in a serious tone, and touched the tip of Emy's nose with the envelope. "It's time for you to get a job and help pay all these bills. Mommy and Daddy need to stop working so much."

"But I'm five!" protested Emy. "And I have tiny hands!"

"Oh, excuses," said Eli, sticking out his tongue at her. "Okay, Emy, I guess I'll give you a few more years to get your act together."

Emy giggled, letting go of Eli, and ran out of the kitchen.

"Emy, don't make a mess!" called Clare. Eli stood up and walked over to Clare, a sheepish look on his face.

"Sorry for oversleeping," he said apologetically.

"Don't worry about it," grinned Clare. "I'm glad you got some sleep, actually. You've been working on those edits for so long, and I can't help but…"

Clare looked away and Eli wrapped his arms around her, brushing his nose against her forehead. "I'm sorry. I know I've been in a bad mood lately. I promise that as soon as all this four-books-a-week-editing madness ends, I'll be back to normal… whatever that means."

"I know," smiled Clare, and kissed him. Eli deepened the kiss and held Clare close, his lips eagerly moving on hers…

"Someone's at the door!" squealed Emy, and Clare and Eli let go of each other reluctantly. Clare blushed deeply, and Eli marveled at the fact that not many things had changed after all.

"I guess that's Adam," mumbled Eli.

"Yeah," said Clare breathlessly. "Okay, I need to get dressed… and then _you_ need to get dressed, or you'll be late."

"Do I really have to go?" protested Eli, rolling his eyes.

"You promised Dr. Berlasky you would," said Clare sternly.

Eli stomped out of the kitchen, making Clare laugh at his behavior. She disappeared from his sight and he glared playfully at his daughter. "Emerson, you're never getting a brother if you keep interrupting," he muttered.

He walked over to the door and opened it, yawning as he did. "Sorry, traffic," said Adam, walking past Eli rapidly.

"Hi, Adam, it's so good to see you!" smirked Eli as Adam ran over to Emy and hugged her, picking her off the floor.

"How's my favorite niece?" asked Adam cheerfully, and Emy couldn't stop giggling.

"Hi, Uncle Adam," she gushed.

"Wow, she likes you more than she likes me," mocked Eli.

"Well, of course, I'm nicer than you," winked Adam. "And you're not dressed."

"Woke up late," said Eli. "Had to finish my edits last night, it was a nightmare."

"This is why you need to hurry up and finish writing your novel," said Adam, tickling Emy. "That way you will have a best-seller, travel around the world, and forget about me."

"I'm not Fiona," retorted Eli.

"Ouch, burn," said Adam, putting Emy down.

"How is she doing, by the way?" asked Eli as both men watched Emy pick up her dolls from the floor, stuffing them in a toy box.

"Still traveling," sighed Adam. "But she's coming back in a couple weeks and we'll get to hang out."

"So, are you guys together or…?" whispered Eli, not wanting Emy to hear their conversation.

"I think right now... we _are,_" shrugged Adam. "We have the weirdest relationship, don't we?"

"But you make it work somehow," nodded Eli.

Adam stayed silent and just looked at Emy pick up her toys, a sad smile on his face. "I guess," said Adam finally. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," said Eli. "Emy, why are you picking up your toys? Adam is babysitting you."

"I know, Daddy, but I want the living room to look clean," said Emy, waving her hands around. "And I want to play Twister."

"Ah, it's nice to know the well-being of my back is not relevant to you, Emerson," mocked Adam. "Go get it, then."

Emy left the room with a smile on her face and Eli just tugged on his t-shirt nervously, waiting for Adam's question.

"Are you nervous?" asked Adam quietly.

Eli could feel his heart beating faster with every breath he took, hating himself for agreeing to help Dr. Berlasky. Clare insisted that it would be a good idea, and after all, Clare was almost always right.

"I'm terrified."

_**Later**_

"I can't do this."

"Eli."

"Clare, I just… feel weird."

Clare held his hand and clutched it gently, her blue eyes looking into his. "You will be fine. And I'll be waiting here for you when you're done."

Eli leaned in and kissed her, his hand brushing his wife's cheek. He pulled away slowly, and chuckled nervously. "This is just great."

Clare looked at him curiously and continued to smile, running her hand through Eli's hair, trying to fix it. "You'll be fine," she said encouragingly. "Just be yourself."

Eli gave her another quick kiss and Clare sat on the couch outside the room, pulling a book out of her bag. Eli smiled when he noticed that the book was _Hocus Pocus_, and it brought back memories of their courtship.

"Here goes nothing," said Eli, causing Clare to chuckle, and he opened the door. Dr. Berlasky was standing in the middle of the circle, talking to the group. He looked up at Eli and gave him a warm smile, which caused Eli to immediately start tugging anxiously on his tie.

_Why on Earth did I wear a tie?_ he thought as all eyes fixed on his awkward self.

"Ah, Elijah, you're here," said Dr. Berlasky in a solemn tone. "Group, this is Elijah Goldsworthy. He is an editor for a very important publishing company and he is a former patient of mine. He is now going to therapy with another doctor because he moved across town with his family."

The group mumbled their hellos and Eli glanced at a sulking teenage boy who had his arms crossed, an expression of defiance on his face. The boy yawned and stretched his arms and Eli noticed the many scars on his arms, and flashbacks of his own suicide attempt came to mind.

"Hey, I'm Eli," said Eli, waving awkwardly at the group. "Um… I don't really know or where how to start…"

He looked over at Dr. Berlasky, who gave him an encouraging nod. Eli swallowed nervously and cleared his throat, ready to speak at last.

"I was 20 when I tried to kill myself for the first time. Until this day, I can't really say why I tried to… I just felt extremely tired. Life made no sense to me, everything seemed pointless and I just did it. My mother found me and took me to the hospital, and… yeah, I made it through."

Eli saw the recognition in the eyes of the people present; all of them had been through the same thing. All of them had tried to kill themselves at some point and had failed at it. Eli was just a representation of their own past, nothing they were too interested in.

"A year after that, I tried to kill myself again," continued Eli. "I jumped off the railroad tracks-"

People nodded as they realized which tracks Eli was talking about. One of them even clapped, making the rest of the group chuckle.

"Ha, yeah," said Eli, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. "I almost drowned, but someone saved me. I resented that person so much for doing that, I wanted to scream and tell her that she had ruined everything… but I fell in love with her instead. Of course, I got needy really fast, I don't know, I guess I felt like she was the only reason for me to be alive. Once you find something that makes you feel good, you don't want to let go of it, especially if you've spent most of your life feeling miserable.

"I'm ranting now, all you need to know about that is that I married that girl, the girl who saved me from drowning. I'm really happy with her, but one thing that you should know is that depression never truly leaves you; you just learn how to deal with it. And you can't let it consume you… it's just not worth it. I still have bad days… my wife has a nickname for them, "cloudy days." That's what we tell our daughter every time my depression gets the best of me and I just want to be alone. Thankfully, those days are rare because I really don't want my daughter to suffer because of me.

"Because sometimes we don't think about who is also affected by our depression, it's not only us. We think that it's only killing us, without realizing that the people who love us and care about us are right there, suffering with us. That's why I don't think I'll ever attempt suicide again.

"I just want to tell you guys that it does get better eventually. Will you ever be completely and truly cured? Probably not. And you're probably going to ignore every thing I'm saying and go home and think that this was a waste of time. But life has a different meaning once you learn to move on, once you accept your flaws and decide to accept life as it is. You just learn how to deal."

Eli stopped talking and people clapped unenthusiastically as Dr. Berlasky stood up and patted him on the back. "That was great, Elijah," said the doctor. "I just wanted Mr. Goldsworthy to talk to you so you can see that there is hope after all this darken-"

The teenage boy raised his hand and Dr. Berlasky nodded at him, beckoning him to speak.

"When does it get better?" the boy asked, his voice filled with bitterness.

And suddenly, Eli saw himself reflected in the boy's angry eyes, and he understood his pain. "I can't really tell you when," said Eli sincerely. "It just does."

"Do you still feel like killing yourself sometimes?" the boy retorted. "Because I still do."

"Yes, even though it's rare when I do," said Eli calmly. "But just the thought of leaving my wife, or the thought of my daughter growing up without a father is terrifying. Even if I'm not the best father in the world. To quote Kurt Vonnegut, I would leave my daughter a legacy of suicide… and I don't want that."

"I just don't see it getting any better," the boy mumbled, crossing his arms again and looking away.

Eli didn't know what else to say, but Dr. Berlasky pulled him aside and shook his head as they walked towards the door. "He reminds me so much of you," said Dr. Berlasky, glancing at the boy. "But he will be okay. Just like you."

Eli smiled weakly, feeling uncomfortable. "I don't think that what I said helped much," said Eli. "They all looked at me like they hated me… like we all used to look at Ronnie."

"But you're not Ronnie," said Dr. Berlasky. "You're a much stronger person. There were so many things happening in Ronnie's life that you guys were not aware of. His wife wasn't supportive, his kids were rebelling against him… but you have Clare, your parents, your friends and your daughter. You are not alone."

The mere thought of the people the doctor mentioned made Eli feel better immediately, and he smiled, nodding. "Yeah, you're right."

"Thanks again for agreeing to this," said Dr. Berlasky. "It must be interesting to see where you started and where you are now."

Eli said nothing but just shook the doctor's hand, grateful that he would never have to return to the building.

"May I ask you a question before you leave?" said the doctor as Eli let go of his hand. "I'm curious."

Eli held his breath uneasily, not wanting to be analyzed on the spot. He already had therapy every week, and he didn't need an impromptu session with the doctor he still found slightly annoying.

"Sure."

Dr. Berlasky grinned at him, showing his yellowing teeth, a low chuckle escaping his lips. "When you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing that crosses your mind?"

Eli started laughing, his laughter mixed with relief and bitter memories, with forgotten pain and refreshing hope.

"I… I just feel lucky to be alive, doctor. So lucky."

_**Later**_

"And then… I… told Uncle Adam that I… wanted… ice cream…"

Eli and Clare were sitting on their bed, holding hands while Emy jumped up and down, her face red. Eli felt exhausted after talking to the group, and he keep thinking of the teenage boy. Maybe he would turn out all right, eventually. He really hoped so.

"So, I'm guessing that you ate a lot of ice cream?" smirked Eli, and his daughter nodded as she stopped jumping.

"Yes, and now my tummy hurts," said Emy dramatically, putting her hands on her stomach.

"Come here, you silly girl," said Clare, stretching out her arms. Emy ran to her mother and sat on her lap, resting her head on Clare's chest. Eli put an arm around Clare's shoulder and looked at both of them, smiling happily.

"Clare… thank you," he said softly into Clare's ear.

"For what?" asked Clare, kissing the top of Emy's head.

He couldn't believe his luck, that he had managed to get his life together and recover, even if the process had been slow. Clare had been by his side the entire time, holding him close whenever he had nightmares, listening to him whenever his depression took control of him. She had been there for him, in spite of the tears and insomnia, in spite of everything, and he couldn't thank her enough.

"For not giving up on me," said Eli, his voice breaking. Clare looked at him and her eyes were shining with tears, and she gave one of the warmest smiles he had ever seen.

"I love you," she said, and Eli leaned in for a quick kiss.

"Ew," giggled Emy, and Eli winked at her.

"She's my wife, I can kiss her if I want to!" pouted Eli mockingly, pretending to be upset.

"You're so mean, daddy," said Emy in a sardonic tone reminiscent of his, and Clare laughed as Eli wiped fake tears from his face. "Stop pretending to be sad!"

"I'm sorry," said Eli, smiling brightly at her. Emy moved from Clare's lap and placed her hands on Eli's cheeks, looking into his eyes. She had green eyes just like his, but her eyes were full of optimism and innocence, and Eli hoped they would stay that away forever. Whenever he thought of Clare and Emy all of his sadness would disappear, and Eli knew that finally, somehow, he had achieved the impossible... happiness.

"You're forgiven, daddy. You're smiling now."


End file.
